The bond between the Xus and the Lins was deeply rooted in history. In the memories of Lin Xichi, there was never a corner so distant that it didn’t bear the presence of Xu Fang.
Growing up together from a young age, they were intimately familiar with each other’s embarrassing moments and quirks. They knew each other inside and out. As they matured, gender differences became less significant in their relationship.
When Lin Xichi referred to Xu Fang as her friend to others, it was a casual statement. In reality, the most accurate description was that Xu Fang was like family to her.
Xu Fang, two months older than her, had been taught by their parents to be respectful and to observe proper etiquette, especially in front of his younger sister. Thus, until the second grade, Lin Xichi used to call him “Xu Fang Gege” with his name, just like she did now with “Lin Xi.”
However, as they grew older, one day, Lin Xichi found herself unable to address him that way anymore. It had transformed into calling him by his full name, and even if her parents scolded her, she refused to revert.
She still remembered a question from her high school years when her desk mate asked what she would do if Xu Fang confessed his feelings to her.
At that time, her only thought was how absurd the question was. To her, it seemed no different from being asked, “What would you do if your own brother liked you?” Wasn’t that just incestuous?
Lin Xichi didn’t want to answer, but her desk mate kept pestering her, enjoying the spectacle. She gave a hasty response, not even recalling exactly what she said.
One thing was certain; it wasn’t a pleasant answer.
Recently, she had been convinced that her feelings towards Xu Fang were purely platonic. She believed that if he had any crossdressing interests, she could help him pick out underwear and dresses, perhaps even share her own.
That perspective changed on the night she got drunk.
Thinking about the fact that it was Xu Fang who helped her buy underwear, she nearly confronted him about sizing. After that night, whenever she was around him, she felt like something had changed.
But she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.
Lin Xichi had now realized that her previous thoughts were her own, and she didn’t regard Xu Fang entirely as a friend.
In the midst of Lin Xichi’s unrelenting reproach, an angry response came from Xin Zidan, who was also struggling with the situation.
She stood there, not responding to Lin Xichi’s words. Xin Zidan’s frustration grew, and she was about to use even harsher words to put Lin Xichi in her place when finally, Lin Xichi replied.
“I don’t know how you got the idea that I have many guys around me,” Lin Xichi felt her heart beating faster than before and didn’t want to invest too much energy in this conversation. “I don’t think I need to explain anything to you, and please don’t use derogatory terms like ‘backup’ to describe him.”
Xin Zidan choked, “You’ve done…”
“In what capacity are you accusing me now?” Lin Xichi pursed her lips. “How I interact with him and what feelings I have for him are none of your business.”
“…”
“What does this have to do with you? Why are you acting so self-righteous, like you’re his girlfriend?”
“I didn’t say it had anything to do with me,” Xin Zidan indeed had no grounds to stand on and was feeling somewhat guilty. Nevertheless, she continued to taunt, “I just find it hard to stomach.”
When it came to audacity and eloquence, Lin Xichi believed she could match Xin Zidan, and she retorted, “He and I are both single. Even if I were to kiss him in front of you, you wouldn’t have any say in it.”
“…”
The confrontation eventually ended with no resolution.
Lin Xichi went to the balcony to collect the clothes she had just hung out to dry in the morning. With fresh clothes and towels in hand, she entered the bathroom.
Inside the small space of the bathroom, Lin Xichi finally felt isolated from the outside world. Her fiery demeanor from earlier dissipated instantly, and she squatted on the floor, biting her lip and clutching her hair, her expression showing signs of breakdown.
Lin Xichi held her chest, feeling like her heart was about to leap out.
Damn it.
She actually liked Xu Fang.
She really liked Xu Fang.
Oh my God.
She liked Xu Fang.
Wasn’t this a grave sin?
Recalling the words she had casually said to Xin Zidan just now, Lin Xichi let out a silent wail and couldn’t help but cover her face with a towel, feeling ashamed to even breathe.
What kissing?
Why did she say such a thing?
Lin Xichi crouched on the floor, curling up like a ball, like a red egg. It wasn’t until her legs started to numb that she took a deep breath and got up to start undressing for a shower.
After coming out of the bathroom, Lin Xichi’s feelings of confusion began to ease slightly. She tossed her dirty clothes into the washing machine and washed her undergarments at the sink.
Her emotions were all over the place.
There was the sudden clarity of realization and the bizarre sensation that followed. She thought about Xu Fang’s nervousness, her own expectations and fears about their future interactions, and her first-ever encounter with such emotions.
She was happy.
But she was also afraid of not getting what she wanted.
Lin Xichi suddenly felt lost, unsure of what to do next in front of Xu Fang.
She knew a female friend who had a close male friend. One day, the guy confessed his feelings, but the girl had no such inclination, and their relationship couldn’t progress and couldn’t go back to what it was.
She had also seen couples who were once deeply in love, convinced they were soulmates, but after breaking up, they never spoke again.
Lin Xichi’s mood took a significant dip.
She didn’t want that.
She wanted to be with Xu Fang forever.
Back in the dormitory, Nie Yue and Chen Hanyi were still not back.
Xin Zidan sat at her desk, and the cramped space was filled only with the sound of her typing on the keyboard.
Lin Xichi used a towel to rub her damp hair and then approached the desk with the box containing the cups she had broken earlier. She placed it on Xin Zidan’s desk.
Xin Zidan paused in her actions but didn’t say anything.
“You really don’t need to return the cup,” Lin Xichi said seriously, “I broke one of yours, so if you return one to me, I’d still owe you a cup.”
“…”
She thought Lin Xichi was right, and since they had to live under the same roof for the next four years, Lin Xichi continued, “I feel like you’ve used me, especially with the thing about going home with Xu Fang. Besides, you’ve never explained anything about that to me.”
“But I asked you beforehand,” Xin Zidan finally looked up, her voice softening as she sensed Lin Xichi’s tone had become more reasonable. “I asked you if Xu Fang was really just your friend, and you said yes. I felt awkward asking for your help, but I had to approach him through you.”
“…” Lin Xichi was puzzled by her logic. “But you didn’t mention the going home thing to me.”
“Since you don’t like him, what I’m doing won’t affect you,” Xin Zidan explained. “I didn’t think there was a need to discuss it.”
After their conversation, although their relationship couldn’t go back to what it was before, at least it wasn’t as awkward as before.
Lin Xichi didn’t want to dwell on those things anymore. She didn’t want to waste her energy on unrelated people. She returned to her seat, used a hairdryer to dry her hair, and hesitated before messaging Lin Xigeng on WeChat.
Lin Xichi: ?What do you think of Xu Fang??
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