ATLAS TRANSLATES

When I returned to the hotel, it was already past three in the morning, and the sky was a hazy gray. I dragged my tired steps, said goodbye to Fang Dingyue, and thanked him. Thinking about the scenes we had to film early in the morning, we looked at each other and said in unison, “Let’s sleep for a few more hours.” Then we laughed at our synchronicity.

Actually, when I returned to the hotel, I was thinking that perhaps I had really been reckless. How could things like the human heart and desire be persuaded? But I had always tried my best…

After going upstairs, I looked at the time and walked to Sister Ruofan’s door before stepping back. At this time, people should be in their deepest sleep. It would be better to wait until the sky was bright before picking up An’an and going to the set with Sister Ruofan. With this thought, I walked straight back to my own room, thinking of washing up before sleeping. However, as soon as I lay down on the bed, I fell asleep in a daze. I wasn’t sleeping very deeply, and my mind was still conscious, but I was tired and just wanted to keep my eyes closed.

I hadn’t been lying down for long when my phone started ringing incessantly. At first, I rolled over and simply buried my head under the pillow. I won’t listen! I won’t listen! But the ringing continued endlessly. I already had some insomnia, and this disturbance was really unbearable. I finally exhaled and reached for my phone with great frustration, almost throwing it out of my hand in my morning grumpiness. When the call connected, I was still too lazy to open my eyes.

“Hello, who is this?”

The other end of the line was silent for a moment before saying, “Xiao’ai, it’s Jay.”

I heard the voice clearly but didn’t respond immediately. My throat felt dry, and I was stunned for a long time before sitting up on the bed, using my free hand to rub my eyes vigorously. After a while, I finally said, “Oh, hello…” Intentionally, I deliberately suppressed my tone to be unfamiliar and polite.

“Xiao’ai, can we meet now? I want to see you.” On the other end of the phone, heavy breathing could be heard. Jay’s voice was calm and composed, with more emotion than the last time we met.

I closed my eyes and turned to look at the alarm clock on the bedside table, feeling a bit helpless. I tried to stay calm and said, “Jay, it’s three in the morning. And given your current situation, it’s best not to meet with me.”

“I know… I didn’t think it through…” He suddenly spoke, and then there was a faint laugh on the other end. “Xiao’ai…” He called my name as if sighing. That voice was so similar to our parting in my previous life that I couldn’t help but tremble with both hands. Facing Xu Mei, I could still remain calm and composed, but facing him, hearing him call my name like this, I couldn’t control myself.

Some people, when you have been so intimate with them, how can you not be familiar? When filming “Regretful Love”, I used An’an to avoid him time and time again. At the awards ceremony, when I saw Fu Junyan win the award that was originally his in my previous life, I actually felt a bit relieved. I was so petty, so petty. I even avoided all opportunities to collaborate with him. Because I knew, I really knew that some thoughts in my heart were like a tumor, either dying or going crazy. But now, for a moment, I actually wanted to throw on my clothes and rush out. Who cares about gossip and scandals? Even if I don’t have any scenes to film, I won’t starve to death. I had enough of it in my previous life, so what’s there to be afraid of now?

But I knew I shouldn’t meet him, at least not now. Whether for myself or for Fu Junyan, I shouldn’t get entangled with him any further. Because that represents the possibility of a series of unknowns, and I might even lose control and become deeply involved again. I knew, I really knew, but I also thought maliciously, if I were like all the gentle women now, comforting this wretched man, accompanying him through wind, frost, rain, and snow, then all the loneliness of my previous life could be soothed. Xu Mei would suffer, and I would be happy because of it. And he, Jay, would be mine. He would love me and be grateful to me. If he had such complex and profound feelings, such a kind person would never let go of me in his lifetime. And in this life, he would be mine…

But is this kind of revenge meaningful? When I looked up again, I saw the light purple aromatherapy bottle on the bedside table. The faint scent of the ocean permeated the entire room, instantly adding a layer of warmth and harmony to the originally cold hotel style. The ceramic bottle had a few pink wooden silk flowers and warm yellow wooden balls. These were all prepared by Fu Junyan. These were what I had longed for day after day during those long days of waiting in my previous life. On the other side of the bedside table was a small picture book, an English version of “The Little Prince”.

I still remembered that night when I leaned on Fu Junyan’s shoulder, and he held An’an in his arms, reading in such a clear and warm voice, “The little prince sighed, saying, ‘I was too young then and didn’t know how to love… You see, the way home is so far, and my body is too heavy. I need to rest…’” After An’an fell asleep, he continued reading for me, this silly Baobei, until I also slowly fell asleep. In a daze, I heard his sigh. He said, “The prince let go of the rose. When he suddenly looked back, the journey was arduous, and he could no longer return. Life has too many accidents, but opportunities only come once…”

I reached out and took that small picture book, staring at the little prince sitting on the hill in the painting. He was too young then and didn’t understand love, so he left the rose alone and left. He thought the outside world was gorgeous and beautiful, but in the end, he realized that the most beautiful thing was his own home, the rose in his own home. But when he wanted to go home, he had already used up all his strength, yet home was still so far away, and he could no longer return. A voice in my heart told me that if I let go of Fu Junyan’s hand and went to find Jay now, if I was hesitant, I would be like the little prince and never be able to return… And Fu Junyan, that proud and aloof man, would not forgive me…

But if I lost him, Fu Junyan… Fu Junyan… where would I go to find another Fu Junyan?

I instantly became sober, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over me, making my whole body shiver. I closed my eyes and finally said, “Jay, if you have something to say, let’s talk on the phone…”

There was a pause in breathing on the other end of the phone. He said dryly, “Xiao’ai, when you went to the hospital to see Xu Mei, her phone was calling me at that time. I heard everything you said.”

I was stunned and opened my mouth but couldn’t make a sound. I only let out a dry “hmm”. Thinking of what I had said, “I don’t love him, I don’t love a man who isn’t decisive and resolute enough,” my heart inexplicably ached. He had heard all those words. I knew I had hurt his heart.

Dad once said, “It’s not an easy thing for someone to love you. He loves you, so he will treat you wholeheartedly, better than others. Perhaps he doesn’t ask for your reciprocation, but most importantly, you can’t take advantage of his fondness for you to hurt him. Taking a knife and stabbing the heart he has opened to you. Baobei, who is the most undeserving of being hurt? It’s the one who loves you…”

Thinking about it, a strong sense of guilt welled up in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. In my previous life, even after he got married and had a daughter, he still cared for and protected me. But I had denied him like this, and he had heard it. Although I could tell myself that Xu Mei’s current impulsiveness and destructive actions were partly my fault, so by doing this and saying this, I could put Xu Mei’s mind at ease. No one was threatening her love, and perhaps she wouldn’t be so crazy towards Jay. But in the end, what I said was said. Even subconsciously, I had complaints about him…

“I’m sorry…” I said slowly, without any explanation.

“You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t say anything wrong. I’m not looking for you to hear your apology.” His voice was very faint, as if lost in memories. “Xiao’ai, I entered the industry when I was even younger than you. At that time, I was very impulsive and had no education. I didn’t know how to reason, only knowing to use my fists when things didn’t work out. I didn’t understand how to be tactful and offended many people, suffering many losses. When I met Xu Mei, she was even more impulsive than me, known for being shrewish in the entertainment industry. The first time I saw her, a group of men were surrounding her, a woman, and beating her. She was holding a glass bottle and charging around recklessly. With one swing, she smashed it on my head as I was passing by. I lifted my face, covered in blood, and saw the look in her eyes. Her eyes were fierce and guarded. I suddenly thought of myself. That look was so similar to how I was at that time. She also stared at me in a daze and suddenly reached out her hand to pull me, saying, ‘Don’t learn from me. You’ll suffer losses.’ Then she stuffed a handful of money into my hand, turned around, and ran away. It was then that I started to think that I couldn’t be like this. I had to learn to restrain myself and make more friends. Otherwise, if I continued like this, I really didn’t know how I would die. Xu Mei doesn’t remember any of this, but I do.”

He paused and continued, “I often say that she had the grace of recognizing my talent, and I indulged and protected her everywhere, not because she later led me to make my official debut, and not because of her kindness to me later. The most important thing was her wretched state back then. It was that one short sentence from her that made me come to my senses. After that, I restrained myself a lot, treating people kindly everywhere, and being considerate in everything. Sure enough, I benefited a lot from it and even changed my life. But Xiao’ai, you were right. Truly good people are not like this. A truly good person, when they know they can’t give, when they know they shouldn’t give, they will refuse decisively and neatly, never softening their stance because of the other person’s eyes and tears, let alone endlessly apologizing and yielding. I know all this, but when a person pretends for a long time, they get used to it. I’m already used to it. I wanted to be a great person and have everyone like me, but I ended up truly doing bad things…”

These words, I didn’t hear them in my previous life either. I never thought that the favor he talked about, the kindness he said Xu Mei had towards him, would actually be this kind of favor, something that happened so early. In my previous life, he once told me that he would sign with his company because he had been running around as an extra in the film and television city for many years. His work attitude was serious and good, and he was known for not having a temper. Later, he was favored by the boss and signed. If that’s the case, it means Xu Mei didn’t become his agent. Towards Xu Mei, he would be tolerant, generous, and avoid her at every turn whenever he met her. Thinking about what he just said, the first time Xu Mei saw him, she threw a glass bottle at his head. No matter how you think about it, it’s a karmic debt. Thinking about it, I felt helpless, like a dog-blood drama…

I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep tonight, so I patted my head, silently blaming my brain that never seemed to grow. This time, I simply crawled out of bed, walked barefoot to the window. A few days after I joined the crew, Fu Junyan bought a hanging chair and sent it over. He told me to sit in the chair and bask in the sun and enjoy the breeze when I had nothing to do, not to close the windows tightly as soon as I returned to the room, only knowing to curl up in the blanket and sleep. Later, when Gu Xiao’an found out, he drew inferences and told me that Xiao Qi would also bounce around a few times after returning home before crawling back into his dog bed…

Who knew that later, I always liked to go to Fu Junyan’s room after work. His big sofa became my base camp. This rocking chair specially bought for me, I didn’t sit in it many times. Instead, after little friend Gu Xiao’an came, he always liked to sit on it with Xiao Qi, swaying and shaking, making the copper hanging rings on it creak, and there were always a few dog hairs stuck on the chair. An’an always argued with me that it was a swing, not a hanging chair. When he couldn’t argue anymore, he would look at me pitifully with a pair of glazed big eyes. I would yield every time, but my mood was often quite melancholic.

After the hanging chair was sent over, it was always placed by the window. Occasionally, I would lazily sit in it to rest and bask in the sun. It was really a very comfortable and happy thing. I curled up in the hanging chair and sighed before saying, “Jay, you’re already very good, really very good…”

“Xiao’ai, if I had told you from the beginning that you were my dream lover, if I hadn’t let Xu Mei do as she pleased, would you be by my side now?” He suddenly laughed softly and asked me gently.

“I don’t know.” I replied, soft and powerless.

“Actually, Xu Mei didn’t lie to you. I really had thoughts about you early on. When we were filming ‘Regretful Love’, every time I wanted to get close to you, you were either busy taking care of An’an or surrounded by Fang Dingyue and Fu Junyan. Later, I hoped you could sign with my company, preferably under Xu Mei as my junior sister. That way, I could take advantage of the proximity.” He laughed. This time, his tone was a little lighthearted.

“But you two seemed to be incompatible by nature. I had no choice. I also thought you were still young and would have plenty of opportunities in the future. I could be a good senior and take good care of you. Falling in love over time wouldn’t be bad either.” Hearing that, I also wanted to laugh. Thinking about my previous life, wasn’t it falling in love over time? After laughing, I fell silent.

I heard him continue, “At that time, I felt something was off with Xu Mei, really off. Even I felt uneasy. When I thought of you, I lost my composure. I really couldn’t imagine you being disappointed in me. So I went to find you, at an inappropriate time. But I don’t regret it. No matter what you think or what others think, I don’t regret it. I just followed my heart and wanted to see you. Because I love you, so when I was most dejected, the person I wanted to see the most was you.” I was stunned and turned my head to look at the rattan beside the hanging chair. My thoughts had a moment of realization and became a little clearer.

Jay talked a lot today. He seemed to have been pent up for too long and was eager to find someone to confide in. But it was also as if he wanted to say everything. I couldn’t help but ask doubtfully, “Jay, what’s wrong with you?”

“I just want to tell you a few things, Xiao’ai.” He began soothingly and said, “I know you went to find Xu Mei for me, but what’s the use of arguing with her about something she’s convinced of in her heart? Besides, I do like you and love you in my heart. I also want to tell you, although I really want to tell the world that the one I love is you, the love declaration on the official website wasn’t written by me. Like you, I’m unwilling to drag down the person I love. Don’t worry, I will clarify everything. Shouldn’t a man do that?” He mocked himself. Without waiting for me to speak, he said, “Xiao’ai, I can no longer keep up with your pace. I really can’t keep up with you anymore… Someone like me can no longer stand up for you and argue for you like before. You must take good care of yourself, okay?”

“Jay…” His tone made me panic and feel bad.

“Silly Xiao’ai, don’t feel burdened. If I can’t afford to love you, I won’t love you anymore. You don’t love me either. Have a good life with Dingyue, okay?”

“Jay, Dingyue ge and I are not…” Before I could finish, the call was already hung up on the other end.

Afterwards, I sat in the rocking chair in a daze, thinking that my explanations were of no use at all. By my side, it wasn’t Fang Dingyue, but Fu Junyan. From the very beginning, I chose Fu Junyan among them, and then walked away from him step by step, going our separate ways.

Half an hour later, I turned on the computer. The news was full of Jay’s name. He released a press statement and recorded a video. In the video, the lighting was a bit dim. He sat alone on a black leather sofa, looking much thinner than before, but his features were clearer, and his eyes no longer had the lost look from the last time we met. It was as if he had grown up a lot overnight. But in the end, he still protected Xu Mei. He admitted that he and Xu Mei had an ambiguous relationship and made the mistakes that men often make. He didn’t make excuses or deny it.

This time, he still took all the responsibility on himself. He said he would take responsibility and choose a date to marry Xu Mei. He also denied the love declaration on the official website in the early morning. He apologized to me and stated that Gu Baobei was his very good partner and little sister.

After a full circle, they were still going to get married…

I remembered what he had just said, echoing in my ears one by one:

“But Xiao’ai, you were right. Truly good people aren’t like this. A truly good person, when they know they can’t give, when they know they shouldn’t give, they will firmly and decisively refuse. They definitely won’t soften their resolve because of the other person’s gaze and tears, let alone constantly feel guilty and yield.”

“I know all this, but when a person pretends for a long time, they get used to it. I’m already used to it.”

“Like you, I’m unwilling to drag down the person I love.”

“Xiao’ai, I can no longer keep up with your pace. I really can’t keep up with you anymore…”

“Don’t worry, I will clarify everything. Shouldn’t a man do that?”

“Silly Xiao’ai, don’t feel burdened. If I can’t afford to love you, I won’t love you anymore. You don’t love me either.”

After being in a daze for a while, I waved at him on the screen, and two lines of clear tears fell from my eyes. I said, “Goodbye, past love…”

You see, after all the twists and turns, you let go of my hand again, and I also let go of your hand…

It’s just that, Jay, I hope the responsibility and backbone you have isn’t about belittling yourself.

In the end, you still didn’t understand… didn’t understand…