ATLAS TRANSLATES

Regarding Fu Junyan going to Dubai for work, from the very beginning I pretended to be sensible and didn’t ask him many questions about what exactly he was filming or how long he would be working. I always thought, I would just listen to whatever he was willing to tell me. For anything he didn’t say, as long as he was doing it, I would support him unconditionally. Cousin had taught me many times that “men are not held tighter the more you grip them.” But now, I really regret it! Why did I have to act so sensible? Awooo…

On the day Fu Junyan arrived in Dubai, he sent me a message to let me know he was safe. But a few days later, his phone was constantly in an unreachable state.

When Dad returned from the archaeological team and took An’an and Xiao Qi back to the villa, such a big house was left with only me in the end, suddenly feeling incredibly empty and lonely. Although in my previous life I had endured long periods of loneliness and solitude, now I no longer had that endless patience. Because Fu Junyan had long since spoiled me…

Days passed one by one, but I still couldn’t contact Fu Junyan. When I dialed his number, I only heard that mechanical voice repeatedly replying: “Sorry, the number you have dialed is not in the service area.” My heart gradually filled with unease and worry. Since I couldn’t contact him, I became unable to do anything well. Every day I was either absentmindedly staring at my phone or opening my computer to constantly check Fu Junyan’s Weibo and search for news about him. Unfortunately, there was no news at all. On his Weibo, it was still that old photo of Xiao Qi, with the caption “Xiao Qi misses An’an too.” Looking at it, I couldn’t describe the feeling in my heart. Occasionally when I saw CP fans discussing the thousands of possibilities between me and Fu Junyan on forums, I couldn’t laugh secretly to myself like I used to. I was in a daze all day.

For the second round of “Ice Dance Miracle”, the program required each of us guests to invite a friend from the entertainment circle to sit in the audience and participate in the show. I invited Fang Dingyue, and when I called Ruofan jie, I was told that Shu Shuang had already invited her.

After the competition officially began, each contestant was no longer asked to go to the same ice rink, but started to rehearse and train separately. Shu Shuang was still very concerned about me in private. She didn’t care about keeping things secret and would call me every other day to ask where I was. Later, she would always appear in front of me with her single-lens reflex camera, still pressing the shutter non-stop, but occasionally she would give me some pertinent advice, sometimes even jumping up faster than the ice dance instructor to shout: “Gu Baobei, wrong! Wrong!” “Gu Baobei, show some courage! Will you die if you fall?” When I answered, “I will die!”, she would roll her eyes completely disregarding her image. At first, our way of interaction shocked my partner and the ice dance instructor, but later, they gradually got used to it.

But during these days, Shu Shuang would often look at the candid photos she took of me with her camera for a long time, then raise her face and repeatedly ask me: “Gu Baobei, what’s wrong with you? Do you have something on your mind?” As she said this, she would frown and stare at me with a look of inquiry.

I smiled, silently. What could be on my mind? My concern was so simple, just three simple words: Fu Junyan. Only Fu Junyan…

From childhood to adulthood, I rarely had dreams. Dad always said this meant I had a good sleeping posture, never pressing on my heart while sleeping. But that night I had a nightmare. I saw Fu Junyan from a great distance. I wanted to call him, wanted to walk closer to him, but I couldn’t. It was as if there was a thin film between us, and I was watching him from afar like in a silent film. Fu Junyan was standing with his back to me. Around him was a desolate battlefield, with bodies with fresh blood at his feet. His exquisite face was cold, his tall figure blocking the man in front of him. They were saying something, the atmosphere cold and terrifying. Then, suddenly, his back was hit by a bullet, followed by a “bang” and blood splattered everywhere.

“Fu Junyan!” I covered my mouth in shock in my dream, calling out his name repeatedly with screams. He seemed to sense it and suddenly turned his head, his eyes complex and deep.

Screaming awake from the dream, I sat up gasping, rolling and crawling out of bed, my whole body shaking, covered in cold sweat. Tears also fell uncontrollably, one drop after another, no matter how hard I tried to stop them. I almost fell out of bed, pushed open the door and stumbled into Fu Junyan’s bedroom, opening his wardrobe. Then, I almost recklessly took out his shirt, hugging it to my chest and smelling that familiar white musk scent, only then feeling a bit of stability.

Curled up in the corner, I kept telling myself in my heart that it was just a dream, only a dream. But tears still fell uncontrollably. At that moment, I couldn’t help but complain in my heart: Bad guy Fu Junyan! How could you not contact me for so long? I’ll worry, you know?

The day before the second round of “Ice Dance Miracle” began, it was late at night. The night was very quiet, the wind outside was quite strong, rustling. My phone suddenly rang, the screen showing a very long string of unfamiliar numbers. As if sensing something, I answered eagerly, tentatively calling out: “Fu Junyan?”

And his voice came from far away, still as calm and warm as ever. He said: “Mm, I’m here.”

“Mm…” I sniffled in response, my nose feeling a bit sour.

The signal on Fu Junyan’s side was very poor, the sound coming through intermittently. But I could still distinguish his pleasant voice, and tears finally fell one by one.

He seemed to hear me sniffling, and sighed, saying: “Silly baby, I made you worry…”

It was better if he hadn’t said that. Once he did, I almost cried out uncontrollably, softly cursing: “You heartless person, where on earth did you go?” Much later, when I recalled this conversation, I felt that tone was just like a wife complaining about a husband who didn’t come home, so intimate, so uninhibited, so dependent…

I heard him say: “I transferred from Dubai, now I’m filming in Somalia.” His voice was intermittent, torn apart by the distant distance and wind noise, making it hard for me to hear clearly.

Hearing his reply, I almost jumped up: “Somalia! You were clearly going to Dubai! How did you end up in Somalia? Only a madman would go film in a country having a civil war!” As I said this, I remembered the nightmare I had, and frowned even more, my heart full of worry.

“Mm, I think so too.” His faint response came from the other end, almost doting. Then he said: “I was afraid you would worry, so I didn’t tell you clearly beforehand. But every day since I left home, I’ve been thinking that I might have been wrong. Compared to making you worry about me, letting you bear my disappearance alone seems to be an even worse thing.”

I nodded and shook my head stupidly on this end of the phone. I hate Fu Junyan the most… After he said that, what else could I say? Fu Junyan was always like this, agreeing to whatever nonsense I said, never minding. The annoyance in my heart was easily smoothed out by him, leaving only deep worry and fear. I could only bite my lip and ask: “You know it’s dangerous but still went? Fu Junyan, are you alright? When are you coming back? Somalia is having a civil war! Fu Junyan, there are bullets flying everywhere, can we not film anymore?”

“Silly pufferfish, why are you talking nonsense?” He still used his usual tone, laughing softly.

I shook my head on this end, not caring if it was lucky or not, crying with a nasal voice: “But I had a dream the day before yesterday! I dreamed that you were hit by a stray bullet, you were injured and lost a lot of blood. Fu Junyan, can we not film anymore? I’m so worried about you, let’s not film anymore.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. I could hear the howling of wind and sand, then I heard him say word by word: “Dreams are the opposite, little fool. You’re such a grown-up now, how can you still believe in dreams? Silly baby, don’t cry. I’m fine, it’s very safe here, look, aren’t I talking to you just fine? Moreover, I’m not the only one who came here.”

I sniffled, pouting and asking: “Really?”

A soft “mm” came from the other end of the phone, then he continued: “It’s just that the communication facilities here have been severely damaged, it’s very difficult to contact the outside world. I can’t call you, so don’t worry unnecessarily, okay? You should wait for me to come home peacefully, then we’ll go to Suzhou together, alright?” He spoke sentence by sentence as if coaxing a child, his tone steady and gentle. If not for the tears falling on my arm, I would have almost been bewitched by his persuasion, unable to think of anything else.

“How can I not worry? Hey! Fu Junyan! Fu Junyan! Hello! Hello!” But the phone suddenly cut off, and when I tried to call back, I couldn’t get through.

Sitting dejectedly on the ground, my heart was still in chaos. So without thinking, I put on a coat, grabbed my car keys and went out, driving to the local Shakira Hotel in the middle of the night to use the satellite phone to call Fu Junyan, but still couldn’t get through. I felt a bit powerless, a bit helpless, a bit angry, a bit worried. But all these feelings were simply because he wasn’t by my side, and moreover, he was in such a far and dangerous place…

The Middle East, that land of frequent wars, is such a contradictory region, with deep cultural heritage and rich in oil, but this is precisely the driving force and source of war. I don’t want my man to be in such a place…

Having no other choice, I could only call my cousin in the middle of the night. My cousin contacted various people for me without complaint. He called me back not long after, asking very puzzledly: “Who exactly are you trying to find? I just contacted them, Somalia’s communication equipment was completely destroyed due to the civil war more than a month ago, and they still can’t contact the outside world. They only have one very outdated satellite phone in the country, and who knows which faction has it! Even my friend at the American embassy couldn’t help. If it’s not urgent, baby, shall we wait a few days and see?” I was speechless, vaguely saying: “If there’s no way, then forget it.” But my heart was turning over and over.

Fu Junyan, if it’s really as difficult to contact the outside world there as my cousin said, then how did you manage to find a way to contact me? My heart felt bitter, yet suddenly turned sweet…

With these complex feelings, I could only comfort myself that at least I knew he was safe. But I was still worried. I couldn’t help hitting my own head, useless thing! Why have such a messy dream? Am I going to be the world’s first pufferfish scared to death by its own dream? Hmph! Crawling into Fu Junyan’s big bed to feel his scent, I finally managed to fall asleep.

In the second round of “Ice Dance Miracle”, my partner Meng Dongyue and I didn’t cooperate well. The price of success has always been unremitting effort. But I had been absent-minded these days, and hadn’t rested well for several consecutive days, so I had little strength in my body. So when it came time to perform, not only did I make continuous mistakes in my dance moves, but I also dragged down my partner Meng Dongyue, causing us to fall twice on the ice. The live audience gasped repeatedly, and several judges covered their mouths in surprise. When the performance ended, I dared not imagine how miserable I looked. Sure enough, I still got the lowest score of all, even lower than last time…

Even Sean Penn shook his head repeatedly in disappointment. When it was her turn to comment, she sighed and only said into the microphone: “I won’t say much.” I think she probably felt tortured watching my messy dance moves and was too lazy to say anything more about me. Afterwards, I retreated to sit in the audience seats next to Wan Qing and Fang Qing. Wan Qing sighed and looked at me wordlessly. Fang Qing held my hand and said: “Xiao’ai, it’s good that you tried your best. After all, we’re not professionals. It’s already great that you could get up and continue performing after falling.” Hearing this, I felt uneasy in my heart. I nodded and evasively went to the front row to find Fang Dingyue and Xu Ruofan.

When Ruofan jie saw me walking towards her, she quickly stood up and reached out to pull me, supporting me as I walked down. She kept looking me up and down, asking over and over: “Xiao’ai, does it hurt?” I shook my head, staring at her blankly as she continued: “My mom is watching the live broadcast too, she was so heartbroken seeing you fall. After the show ends, will you come home with Ruofan jie? My mom will give you a massage and make you something good to eat, okay?”

Brother Dingyue also reached out his hand, patting my shoulder and saying: “Xiao’ai, I thought you did very well just now. It’s okay, it’s good that you tried your best.” My nose tingled, and I nodded, unable to sit still, then got up and returned backstage.

At the end of the program, all contestants went on stage, and the big screen displayed the final scores and rankings. The contestants’ scores were divided into four parts: judges’ scores, live audience scores, mobile phone SMS voting, and online voting. The last two places in this round would be directly eliminated.

Before going on stage again, I found my partner Meng Dongyue in a corner of the waiting room. He was sitting motionless, just staring blankly at the ice skates on his feet. He has an introverted and shy personality. Seeing me come, he just nodded silently and went on stage with me quietly. But when passing by the big screen, I saw him suddenly stop and look up at the judges’ scores that had already been displayed. A flash of disappointment passed through his eyes, full of dejection. Looking at his honest figure, I suddenly felt a bit apologetic and couldn’t help lowering my head and saying softly to him: “I’m sorry…”

He was stunned for a moment, his ears turning slightly red, and also lowered his face saying: “I’m sorry too, I didn’t catch you when we fell just now.” Both times we fell, he was always a step too slow to reach out his hand, and I fell directly onto the ice surface, then dragged him down with me. But, our coordination wasn’t very good to begin with, what right did I have to expect him to be my cushion? I pressed my lips together, lifted the corners of my mouth and shook my head at him, not saying anything more.

Returning to the stage again, I was already prepared to be eliminated. Since I was little, Dad had told me that people who haven’t tried hard don’t deserve to have results. But to say there was no regret would be a lie. The regret wasn’t because I didn’t do well. It was because only at the very end did I realize that I had never truly worked hard for this competition, which was even more terrible than failing after trying hard…

So when finally, due to my receiving the highest scores in mobile phone SMS voting and online voting, I unexpectedly avoided elimination with an overall fifth place finish, compared to Meng Dongyue’s face full of surprise and joy, I could no longer hold back. I covered my mouth with my hand and cried loudly in front of the national audience. How many people’s expectations and trust had I let down? The guilt and shame in my heart came surging forth. Their love almost made it hard for me to breathe.

At this moment, Shu Shuang came over first to support me as I was crying so hard I could barely stand on the ice. She patted my back repeatedly, imitating how I comforted An’an, using a voice only I could hear, saying: “It’s okay, it’s okay. Next time, we’ll do it seriously. Gu Baobei, don’t cry anymore. You could soak in water for over ten hours for a scene, what’s ice skating compared to that?” Hearing this, I cried even harder, directly burying my face and wiping my tears on the men’s dance costume she was wearing. This made the live audience laugh out loud. She was also helpless, and patted my head again.

Returning home from Ruofan jie’s house that night, I updated a Weibo post with just a short sentence expressing all my gratitude and shame. I said:

“My salutations to those who know that I’m not perfect but still love me. The ones I need to thank are them.

They know I’m not perfect, yet they still love me.”