We had no phones, no watches, no time-keeping tools. Just the two of us, walking desolately through the endless desert. At night it was too cold, with temperatures dropping below zero, and as we walked we couldn’t help but shiver. But daybreak didn’t bring joy either, because the temperature would change drastically to extreme heat, followed by scorching sunlight and blistering heat waves. The sand beneath our feet was also scalding hot, and my feet, wrapped in scarf cloth, could barely touch the ground. During the day, Fu Junyan would carry me on his back, and I had to put the cotton jacket I had taken off on top of our heads to shield us from some of the intense sunlight. After several days, we only had water and no food at all, but he never complained once, never showed any despair. He just smiled gently at me and said, “Baobei, hang on a little longer, just a little longer and we’ll get out of here.”
Fu Junyan tried hard to make me forget our current situation. He said, “Look, now it’s just the two of us, free and easy. No one knows us, isn’t that nice…” I softly agreed, tightly squeezing his hand back.
At night, we would occasionally rest under a rocky outcrop, stretching out our arms to tightly embrace each other, but not daring to fall into a deep sleep. It was just too cold, and we were afraid that if we fell asleep like that, we might never wake up again. So even sleep was extremely alert at this time. When we woke up, Fu Junyan and I would not waste a single second, staring at each other foolishly, occasionally laughing at each other’s disheveled appearance. Or we would sniff each other, wrinkling our whole faces in disgust at the smell, but still holding each other tightly.
Gradually, everything became less frightening for me. The initial panic subsided because of his steady gaze and calm demeanor. As long as Fu Junyan was there, as long as I could see him, as long as he was by my side, even if we both smelled terrible, even if we didn’t know how much longer it would take to see any signs of human habitation, even if death came tomorrow, my heart was at ease and unafraid.
One night, Fu Junyan finally found some food. He caught two scorpions in the sand, carefully cleaned them, and handed them to me saying, “Here, Baobei, eat a little.” I pursed my lips, took a breath, didn’t complain, and under his encouraging gaze, I finally closed my eyes and put the raw scorpion in my mouth. The scorpion’s shell was very hard, crunching loudly in my mouth, and it didn’t taste good at all. The raw, fishy taste made me nauseous and want to throw up, but we hadn’t eaten for so long that for the sake of survival, I had to cover my mouth and wrinkle my nose as I chewed the live scorpion and forced myself to swallow it. In the end, I felt so awful that I collapsed onto Fu Junyan, not wanting to move. All this time, Fu Junyan looked at me with concern, gently patting my back, saying over and over, “Baobei, I’m sorry I couldn’t take better care of you.” I could only shake my head silently, but because of the lack of water, I didn’t dare to cry.
When we were too hungry to walk, finally on the third night, what appeared before our eyes was no longer unchanging yellow, but a small oasis. Those trees lay prostrate on the sandy ground in a spasmodic posture, their branches mottled and twisted, looking from afar like old pines in their twilight years. But when I ran in a few steps, I found that what could be called “pine needles” on the branches were green parts that grew very long, like string beans. Each branch had a node about the length of a fingernail, and then continued to grow coarsely.
I looked at Fu Junyan with delight, asking him a string of questions: “Is there water here? Does this count as an oasis? Can we eat these things that look like string beans?”
Fu Junyan nodded, his face showing a hint of warmth, and poked my face saying, “These are saxaul trees.”
“Then! Then can we eat these things that look like string beans?” I asked again.
The constant sandstorms had made Fu Junyan’s face very dirty by now, but his eyes were still bright and warm. However, when I asked again, Fu Junyan’s eyes revealed undisguised heartache. He reached out and gently pinched the green shoots on the branches, telling me: “Silly pufferfish, these are the tender branches of the saxaul. They say it’s good fodder for camels.”
Hearing this, I tilted my head and looked at him, wrinkling my nose. Because I was too hungry and had just been too excited and happy, now I had even less energy. I could only ask in an increasingly small and soft voice, “Can we eat what camels eat?”
Fu Junyan was silent for a few seconds, stroking my face, and shook his head saying, “Saxaul is a shrub plant. Even the tender branches are too coarse. We haven’t eaten for days, and if we suddenly swallow this, our stomachs won’t be able to handle it.”
I pouted, asking almost desperately, “Then since it can grow here, there must be water underneath, right?” I had already drunk quite a bit of my water…
“Saxaul is a very hardy plant. If you see it, you can almost never find a water source,” Fu Junyan patiently said softly, once again dashing my hopes. He squeezed my palm to calm me, turned his face, and gazed at this small patch of green forest lost in thought.
But I suddenly felt deflated, with a feeling of being tricked. “Then what use is it?! It’s of no use at all! Why does it have to grow like a tree?” I complained, increasingly irritated. If I still had energy, I would definitely flap around like an old hen, instead of leaning lazily against Fu Junyan standing. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt, the more I thought about it, the hungrier I felt.
Turning my face, I looked pitifully at Fu Junyan, then looked at the green forest that had plunged me into despair again, and was almost about to cry. I said, “Fu Junyan, I’m really hungry. It doesn’t matter if my stomach gets upset, I want to eat something, I’m really hungry…”
“Don’t rush, I’ll find something for you.” Fu Junyan came back to his senses because of my words. Hearing me say I was hungry, his eyes were full of sadness. He comfortingly pulled away my hand that was trying to grab the saxaul branches, warmly meeting my eyes and said, “Listen to me… There won’t be water in the saxaul thickets, and we can’t eat the branches, but I remember that there might be cistanche growing on the roots of saxaul. It’s a parasitic plant, as good a tonic as ginseng and deer antler. I’ll go in and look, there might be some. You just stay out here obediently, pick some tender saxaul branches, don’t wander off, don’t worry, wait for me to come back. If we really can’t find anything else, we’ll eat the tender saxaul branches, okay?”
I looked up at him in confusion, then nodded, sniffling, obediently retreating from his embrace. I watched sadly as he walked alone into the thicket, while I tried to pick tender saxaul branches on the outskirts. They were very hard and cut my hands painfully.
Fu Junyan took a long time to return. By then I was frantically calling his name outside the thicket. I saw him emerge dusty and gray from among the withered, twisted dead trees, holding a strange object in his hands. It was about 30 centimeters tall, scaly yellow, looking like countless oddly-shaped morning glories parasitizing on a bamboo shoot. The corners of his mouth curved into a nice arc as he waved that ‘little monster’ at me and said, “Baobei, heaven hasn’t abandoned us, we’re really lucky.”
I walked towards him holding the saxaul tender branches I had painfully plucked off, and hearing his words, seeing his smile, I was overjoyed. But I still looked curiously at that monster-like thing, couldn’t help but poke it with my finger, and couldn’t help asking with some disgust in my voice, “Is this the precious tonic as valuable as ginseng and deer antler? But I don’t know… It doesn’t look very nice…”
“How could you know?” Fu Junyan chuckled pleasantly, reaching out to pat my head, resulting in a face full of sand for me. I rose up, puffing out my cheeks to glare at him, and he squinted his eyes to poke my face. Then, the pufferfish deflated…
He pulled me to sit under a saxaul tree, reached out to take the saxaul tender branches I was holding and looked at them, then put them aside. Then he tore off a large piece of cistanche, skillfully peeled off the skin, took out the flesh and handed it to me. Fu Junyan shrugged, indicating for me to eat, and put a small piece in his own mouth. I followed his action and also put it in my mouth to taste. It tasted strange, but it was much better than raw scorpion.
I heard Fu Junyan continue to say leisurely: “When I was young, I read many miscellaneous books. I remember that ‘Supplements to Materia Medica’ once recorded: ‘Three qian of cistanche, decocted three times and prepared once, drink it hot, and one will never decline in life’. Do you think it counts as a precious tonic?”
Never decline in life!!! “Wouldn’t that make us immortal then?” When I heard this, my face flushed, and I didn’t know whether to swallow or spit out the cistanche in my mouth, so I had to reproach him irritably. He stroked my head, carefully put the cistanche aside, and bent down to pick up the saxaul tender branches I had picked from the ground. He started circling them in his hands, seeming to be weaving something. I curiously tilted my head to watch him, feeling much better after eating a little.
Fu Junyan’s hands didn’t stop moving, and for some reason he suddenly lowered his eyes and said to me, “There was once a silly woman whose dream was to make shoes for her lover for a lifetime, to make insoles for a lifetime.”
I thought he was going to tell a story to comfort me again, so I propped up my face with interest and asked, “Then what happened to her later? Did she make shoes for her husband for a lifetime?”
Fu Junyan shook his head and looked up at me. By now he had woven something like a frame out of the saxaul tender branches. He tried pulling the two ends of the frame left and right, and it was very sturdy, not loosening.
Fu Junyan looked at it and smiled slightly, then said to me, “Baobei, stretch your foot over here.” So I obediently put my calf on his thigh. He pulled me to sit properly, then fitted that frame onto my foot wrapped in scarf cloth, and tied several knots with the saxaul tender branches. He first nodded approvingly like a child, then smiled and turned to me saying, “Look, one ‘straw sandal’ is done.”
I stared at my own foot in amazement, pulled open the scarf covering my face once again, and planted a kiss on Fu Junyan’s dirty cheek, saying admiringly, “Young Master Junyan, you’re really amazing!” He shook his head, pointing at his own face and turning his head to ask me, “Not dirty?” His hands were already picking up saxaul tender branches to weave another straw sandal for me. I shook my head, kissed him again, and nuzzled against his face. I said, “It stinks! It’s filthy! But when we’re equally dirty, it’s not dirty anymore…”
I looked at his profile as he concentrated on weaving sandals with saxaul tender branches, thought for a moment and asked in confusion, “That person you mentioned earlier, why didn’t she make shoes for her lover for a lifetime?”
Fu Junyan paused at my words, then answered simply and dejectedly, “Because she died…” His voice was like a sigh, very light… yet very heavy…
I fell silent, but I was thinking, if she died, then everything would be gone. I also wouldn’t believe that heaven would favor me again. But even if we went back to before, where would Fu Junyan be? My heart suddenly chilled, and looking at the vast yellow sand, I couldn’t help but ask pessimistically for the first time, “Fu Junyan, will we die?”
“Silly child, death isn’t that easy…” he answered me lightly, reaching out to brush the tip of my nose. He silently put on the other ‘straw sandal’ for me, then looked at me seriously and said, “When I was young, someone told me that all the misfortunes and hardships in life are the foundation stones for growth. Because God loves you, He lets you feel pain, so that you understand better the meaning of warmth. So, Baobei, this may be difficult, it may be bitter, but perhaps it’s not a bad thing. Let’s not complain, let’s overcome it, overcome it together.”
I nodded, watching him bend down to wrap up the cistanche, then pull me to my feet. Once again, he carefully shielded my face with the scarf, patted the sand off our bodies, and calmly said, “Let’s go.”
I hugged his arm, trying hard to smile, wanting to be a little happier, and pointed at the boundless desert saying, “Fu Junyan, when we get out, I want to plant trees, I want to plant many, many trees! Many, many trees!”
“Okay, we’ll plant many, many trees.”
“I want to plant apple trees, and then no one will die of thirst or hunger in the desert anymore, only many Newtons will be knocked out!”
“Heh.” He chuckled lightly, looking at me helplessly and saying, “Silly pufferfish.”
Good luck didn’t stay with us for long, just like when you’re unlucky even drinking water can get stuck in your teeth. The next day, the Taklamakan Desert kicked up sandstorms larger than usual. Fu Junyan paused his steps then, looked at the sky and sighed lightly, “A sandstorm is coming.” Then we raised our heads, watching the sun gradually become unclear, just tightly holding each other’s hands, not saying another word.
Later I learned that the first to discover something was wrong with us was actually An’an. When this poor child sat on his little chair every day hugging Xiao Qi, but couldn’t wait for our call. When one day cousin called home, An’an finally threw a tantrum and cried loudly, sobbing, “Brother bad, blocking sister and brother-in-law’s call. Brother bad!” Daddy rarely frowned, feeling something was amiss.
So he immediately had cousin contact the film crew. After communicating with each other, they discovered that we still hadn’t arrived at the Xining film crew after three days, and also couldn’t be contacted. Director Huai’an then realized something was seriously wrong and immediately sought help from the police. Daddy and cousin also rushed to Xining at the first opportunity. But the search and rescue work made no progress due to the sudden sandstorm.
When the sand was so heavy it could blow people up, the only option was to hide under a rocky outcrop or lie flat on the sand surface. But our luck was really bad – all we could see was yellow sand everywhere, no plants, no rocky outcrops to block the wind, no sun. Fu Junyan’s initial methods for determining direction were all useless now, and we couldn’t walk because of the strong wind. I said, “What should we do? We’re going to get lost, aren’t we?”
But Fu Junyan shook his head, saying with certainty, “Trust me.”
I nodded, seeing the calmness and composure still in his eyes, but his palm unconsciously clenched slightly. I reached out to rub the back of his hand, trying hard to break into a smile and said, “Fu Junyan, let me tell you a story.”
He turned his face to look at me attentively, nodding at me.
I said, “I heard that! Every time Zhuge Liang went to battle, he would ride alone in a war chariot following the army. Once in a battle, as soon as it started, Zhuge Liang drove his chariot to charge towards the enemy at the front. The army’s morale immediately soared, and they closely followed, defeating the enemy forces. After the battle, everyone praised, ‘The military advisor is so brave!’ But Zhuge Liang, still shaken, said: ‘The slope was too steep, I couldn’t stop…’” As I spoke, I also laughed foolishly, and snuggled against him saying, “Fu Junyan, maybe by accident, we’ll get out.”
He played along with me, raising his lips in a silly smile, and for some reason touched his own face, wrinkled his nose in disgust, and foolishly criticized himself saying, “I’m so dirty!”
I put my hand over his, shaking my head at him, and said seriously, “In Baobei’s heart, Fu Junyan is the cleanest in the world.”
The weather got colder and colder, and even the daytime temperature was lower than usual. After several days, we had finished eating that cistanche, and the water in my canteen was also down to just a few sips. But there was no oasis, no end in sight. I couldn’t even summon the energy to encourage myself or him anymore…
I could no longer count how many days it had been. The wind and sand were still everywhere. Fu Junyan was still tirelessly carrying me, protecting me in his arms. At night he would hold me motionless, trying hard to warm me. Our lips gradually turned pale, Fu Junyan’s even more so. His lips were dry and cracked, even starting to bleed. I noticed he drank water very rarely. I said, “You should drink some water,” but he just shook his heavy military canteen and said, “A little sip is enough.” I was helpless, frowning slightly. I said, “Fu Junyan, if you’re not drinking water because you want to save it for me, I won’t drink a single drop!” He looked at my righteous declaration and just good-naturedly patted the top of my head, saying, “I know, don’t overthink it.”
We didn’t become hysterical, we just gradually fell silent due to lack of energy. Occasionally we would look into each other’s eyes, with so much unsaid… In the night with only howling wind and sand everywhere, I just felt cold. I couldn’t imagine how cold Fu Junyan must be, wearing even less than me. But when my teeth were chattering, he was still calm, his eyes only showing comfort and concern, his mouth just saying to me over and over, “Hold on a little longer, just a little longer…”
I think I went crazy then. I started frantically trying to pull off his pants, saying, “Fu Junyan, hold me. I don’t know how much longer we have to walk, hold me.”
I couldn’t walk anymore. I felt time was so long, so long that I suddenly recalled my whole life. I was so small and ordinary. If I hadn’t met Fu Junyan, my life might have been full of regrets.
Fu Junyan looked at me, his pale lips parting slightly, his eyes only showing tolerance and love. He struggled to pull the corners of his lips into a bitter smile. Reaching out to undo the scarf shielding me, he began to kiss me soothingly. His lips were so cold, so dry, occasionally with a taste of blood. But we kissed each other as if in desperation, as if using the last bit of strength in our lives.
I remembered our first meeting. The first thing I saw were his eyes. They were the clearest, brightest eyes I had ever seen, but they also seemed to hold many stories, many, many stories, like a book, thick, drawing you to look inside.
His hand reaching out to me was so warm, big, and comforting. And his smile and thoughtfulness quickly helped me adapt to the situation back then.
Waking up one day, he had appeared in my life, quietly becoming inseparable. I finally understood what true love is, and finally understood what it means for souls to be compatible.
I thought everything was getting better and better. I really felt content. To meet someone in a lifetime who loves me, and I love him, we love each other, rely on each other – it’s truly the most wonderful thing in this world. I thought about how we would have two children, a boy and a girl.
The girl would look like him, the boy like me. They would be small and soft, just like An’an. Our family of five, plus Xiao Qi, would be happy every day.
But unexpectedly, the accident came so suddenly. In the face of nature, humans are so small, like ants.
I suddenly thought of An’an again. If we couldn’t go back, would An’an be sad? He had already lost his mother. If he lost his brother and sister too, would it be too much for him? Would he become afraid of life? This made me feel increasingly upset.
It got dark again. So cold, bone-chillingly cold. I felt so dirty, not having bathed for days.
I said, “Fu Junyan, let me tell you another story?”
He nodded, his hand gripping mine tightly, but as cold as stone.
I said, “I once saw a movie where the plot was about a man whose beloved wife died. It was a rainy day, and the woman was killed in a car accident at an intersection. Then this man cried, heartbroken. But he still lived on bravely. It’s just that whenever it rained, he would go to that intersection to direct traffic. As I gradually grew up, I felt that this kind of story was the most reasonable. People have too many responsibilities in life. It’s not that without someone, you would abandon the whole world, abandon yourself…”
I spoke each word tiredly, turning my head to look at Fu Junyan hopelessly.
I had said such negative things, but Fu Junyan didn’t say anything. He didn’t scold me, nor did he comfort me. He just acted as if he hadn’t heard, still holding me half in his arms, continuing to walk. I could only lower my head, close my eyes, not looking at anything, just listening to the faint sound of sand moving under our feet, and his strong heartbeat.
But finally, even the water in my canteen was gone. I was very cold, very hungry, with no energy at all. Fu Junyan had also lost a lot of weight. His face was paler and weaker than I had ever seen, only his expression remained as calm and determined as ever. His grip on my hand hadn’t lessened a bit either.
At night, I reached out to test the weight of Fu Junyan’s canteen at his side – there was still some. But my canteen was already empty. He was sleeping deeply on the sand, his brows furrowed uneasily. His once jade-white hands now had such prominent veins, and his whole person seemed so transparent, as if about to disappear. I looked at him, my heart aching. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have encountered such danger. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have walked so slowly, maybe he would have already walked out of the desert. No matter what, I was holding him back… I tossed and turned thinking about this all night, unable to sleep.
The next day, when I fell countless times onto the sand due to weakness, and he still unfailingly helped me up each time, half-carrying me, dragging me along again and again. I finally tugged at his arm as he was about to lift me up again, shaking my head and looking at him almost desperately, saying, “Fu Junyan, I can’t walk anymore. You should go on alone.” As I spoke, I started crying. I said, “Fu Junyan, I don’t want to leave you. But I don’t want to hold you back, I can’t hold you back anymore… Rather than both of us dying together, it’s better for one person to live and get out. You go, don’t look back at me.”
This time, he didn’t gently persuade or comfort me, nor did he pretend not to hear. Instead, he looked at me almost coldly, withdrawing his hand that was about to pull me up, letting me fall straight back onto the sand. Fu Junyan’s tall, slender body stood in front of me, just looking down at me like that, with such an icy cold gaze. For some reason, I felt ashamed and guilty.
He said, asking me in a tone he had never used in front of me before, “Gu Baobei, is that possible?” His face, as white as paper, flushed red with slight anger, and his cold gaze fell squarely on me. The emotions in his eyes were too turbulent and complex for me to understand or dare to look at.
My heart trembled as I heard him continue to ask, “If I leave, maybe I’ll die alone here, my body abandoned in the wilderness. Maybe I could get out, then go love another woman, kiss another woman, make love to another woman, marry another woman, have children with another woman. Gu Baobei, is that what you want?”
I almost covered my ears and started shaking, involuntarily shaking my head, avoiding his cold gaze like a wounded little animal, just wanting to curl up into myself, and curl up even more. I weakly murmured, “Fu Junyan, I’m so hungry, I’m so thirsty, I can’t walk anymore, I really can’t walk anymore…”
At this point, Fu Junyan finally sighed. He bent down and reached out to touch my shaking shoulders, gripping so hard it hurt. And finally the coldness in his eyes was wiped away, leaving only deep love and tenderness. He said, his tone becoming gentle, “Baobei, for my sake, can you hold on a little longer? I’ve waited for you for so long, longed for you for so long. How can you bear to leave me? You said you felt sorry for Lu Shaoyou, but do you want to turn me into him?” His words fell on my ears one by one, so light, yet weighing a thousand pounds.
Then he smiled, bending down to wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes with infinite tenderness. He said, “I don’t want to see your crying tears. I like your smile, as bright as a little sun. When you smile, everywhere is warm. So, Baobei, don’t cry.” He paused, almost coaxing me, carefully taking out his military canteen and shaking it in front of me, saying warmly, “Silly child, look, there’s still water in my canteen. Let’s just think of it as quenching our thirst by thinking of plums. Let’s walk out together, and then we’ll drink the remaining water in the canteen together as our wedding toast, okay?”
I shook my head and then nodded, crying uncontrollably. Maybe it was because I was afraid of his momentary coldness and determination, or maybe it was because he was being so gentle to me. I just heard myself almost out of control, brokenly shouting at him, “I don’t want to hold you back! Don’t want to hold you back! Fu Junyan must live well, Fu Junyan still has to live well. Baobei doesn’t matter, Baobei can’t hold Fu Junyan back, can’t hold Fu Junyan back anymore! I love you, so I can’t… Fu Junyan, you said to let go when you should let go. Haven’t you realized yet? I’m holding you back! How can I keep pretending to be stupid? I don’t matter, there are many, many good women in the world without me, Gu Baobei. They will love you, they will be good to you. But you can’t die, you’re so good, there’s only one Fu Junyan so good, you can’t die. And I, I don’t matter…” I’ve already died once, I don’t matter…
“You said you would love me very, very much, you said you would bear children for me, grow old with me. Gu Baobei, you can’t go back on your word!” Fu Junyan was really angry. He almost shouted, interrupting my words. Then, like a pouting child, ignoring my trembling and struggling, he just forcefully hoisted me onto his back and started walking forward. But his body was already weak and exhausted. After just a few steps, he stumbled and fell with me onto the sand. Even then, Fu Junyan didn’t forget to use his body to protect me, using his hand to shield my head.
I saw him look dejectedly at his own hand, smiling bitterly and sighing almost helplessly, “Good Baobei, stop making a fuss, be good, okay? I don’t have any strength left either.”
And I hugged him, crying uncontrollably, unable to help shouting, “Is heaven jealous of us? Is heaven jealous of us?”
Fu Junyan heard this and covered my lips, shaking his head gently. Then, he held me tightly, almost crying as he said, “Don’t leave me behind, don’t leave me behind in the name of love. If you love me, you have to stay with me. Everything else is just an excuse.”
And I looked at him through my tears, nodding heavily. I said, “Fu Junyan, I’m sorry.” But I still asked him uncertainly, “Fu Junyan, can we get out? Can we?”
He paused, hugging me as we got up from the ground, supporting me as he seemed to walk forward tirelessly. He said, “Silly pufferfish, hold on a little longer, just a little longer…” But his breath was so weak, even his eyes showed some dryness.
When we finally saw the village, I almost couldn’t believe my eyes. By this time, Fu Junyan and I were as dirty and messy as beggars fleeing a famine. Fu Junyan seemed to finally let out a sigh of relief. When we finally stepped onto solid ground, his hand that had been supporting me all the way loosened. Childishly, with a hint of bewilderment, he rubbed his eyes. After confirming that he really saw the village, he turned his head to smile at me, his grip on the military canteen loosening. That smile was weak yet beautiful, as ethereal as a blooming snow lotus. I heard him say, “Baobei, look, we’re still alive…”
But as soon as he finished speaking, before I could nod, Fu Junyan’s body swayed slightly, and he fell into my arms without warning…
At this moment, his eyes were tightly closed, his face deathly pale, his dry, cracked lips turning white and still oozing blood. I frantically supported his body, patting his face and calling his name over and over, but Fu Junyan had no reaction at all. He was just so quiet, as pure and fragile as a transparent, beautiful sculpture…
And when I half-hugged him, bending down to pick up the military canteen that had fallen to the ground, which still had considerable weight and had kept us going all this time, and unscrewed the cap to feed water into his mouth, what poured out were only grains of yellow sand…
Leave a Reply