In the story, the extras had already taken their seats and the bar lights were on. The blonde girl performing on center stage was playing the piano. Gu Xinyao listened expressionlessly, lowering her head and swirling the glass in her hand. In a daze, she took off her bracelet and smiled wryly at the scars left from cutting her wrists.
At this moment, the piano music abruptly stopped. A devilishly handsome man in a black leather jacket walked on stage with a violin. His arrogant face held a provocative expression of disregarding everyone, his brows lifted attractively, enchanting and captivating. In an instant, the bar fell silent. He snapped his fingers and the sound of strings rose. He turned his head, a proud smile on his lips. Closing his eyes, he played an incredibly melodious piece, the tune as intense yet cold and lingering as him.
She listened with her sapphire eyes lowered, fingers lightly tapping the table. Finally, the corners of her mouth lifted in a smile as she clasped her bracelet. She casually smashed the glass on the table. The crisp sound of glass hitting the tabletop cut through the music. She stood up and faced the man’s deep eyes, his brows raised in displeasure at being interrupted. She spoke lazily and provocatively, “With such a big reputation, this is all there is. Not pleasant at all…” With that, she turned and left, leaving only the clicking of high heels and the man’s inscrutable gaze following her.
“Okay! Next scene!” John was obviously very happy. He took off his headphones, walked over to Fu Junyan and patted his shoulder, saying, “Junyan, you played the violin well!” No wonder he was happy. In the previous life, the actor playing Xiao Moxiao couldn’t play the violin, so both during filming and post-production, a stand-in was used for the violin parts. But Fu Junyan had clearly saved him a lot of trouble.
Fu Junyan just nodded with a smile. Putting away his violin, he walked towards me. I recalled his displeased and challenging eyes in the scene just now. My heart trembled and, still in character, I unconsciously took a small step back.
He seemed to understand and stopped a few steps in front of me. He looked at me gently and silently, the sharpness in his eyes completely gone. After a while, he slowly said, “You take An’an back first. I still have two scenes. I’ll take over for you when I get back tonight.”
I nodded. I still had a scene tonight of Gu Xinyao cutting her wrists and committing suicide. I was quite conflicted, thinking I should coax Gu Xiao’an to sleep early.
Out of the studio, Gu Xiao’an was still sleeping, but Xiao Qi had already woken up. However, it still lay motionless on the ground, letting An’an use it as a back rest. I laughed at the sight. I walked over, squatted down and patted Xiao Qi’s head. It barked softly, sticking out its tongue and panting at me, obvious joy in its eyes.
At this time, a pair of men’s leather shoes appeared in my sight. I blinked and raised my head to see Jay smiling and asking me from not far away, “Done filming?”
“Yeah, Fu Junyan seemed very good. One take.”
He nodded and looked at An’an. “I was keeping him company just now. The little guy woke up for a bit and said he wanted water, but then fell asleep again.” Only then did I notice the cup in his hand. I nodded gratefully at him, then stood up to take An’an’s little bag from the back of a nearby chair. I took out the milk bottle from inside and reached out to take the cup from Jay’s hand. But as soon as I took it, I realized it was a cup of cold water. I was instantly dumbfounded. I retracted my hand and stuffed the milk bottle back into the bag.
Jay saw my actions and froze a little, but wasn’t unhappy. He just asked me, “What’s wrong?”
“An’an is young and his digestion isn’t very good. It’s not good for him to drink too much cold water. He needs to drink more warm water.” I explained, a bit embarrassed to refuse his good intentions.
Hearing this, his eyes flickered, but he still nodded and withdrew his hand. He said good-naturedly, “Xiao’ai, I don’t have warm water there. I’ll go ask Sister Mei to boil some for An’an.”
I shook my head, feeling it was really unnecessary. I reached out to stop him from turning around and said, “No need to trouble you, Jay. I still have a scene tonight, right? I’ll take An’an back now. There’s warm water at home.”
He stopped and nodded a little helplessly. But then he suddenly asked me, “Xiao’ai, I heard about the car accident. Did you adopt An’an?”
I subconsciously lowered my head to look at Gu Xiao’an, making sure the little guy was still asleep before daring to speak. Seeing my actions, Jay also felt his question was abrupt and smiled at me apologetically.
I waved my hand. Confirming An’an was sound asleep again, I softly said, “My father adopted An’an. I don’t meet the adoption requirements to be his mother, but I can be his sister.”
“You’ll be a good sister.”
I didn’t say anything. Then I heard him continue, “Xiao’ai, it’s your first time filming. You don’t have an assistant or manager by your side. You entered the crew alone and are even bringing a child. Mei-jie and I discussed it. Our company also thinks highly of you. Do you want to sign with the same management company as me? With a manager, many things will be much easier. The company will at least send an assistant to help you take care of the child. You won’t be so tired. What do you think?”
“I’m not tired. I also don’t want to sign with a management company for now. Jay, thank you for your kindness. Please thank Mei-jie for me too.” I smiled. I saw a bit more disappointment in his eyes, but then heard him ask, “Xiao’ai, why did you call me that day?”
Because adults and children are different. When An’an is in pain, he will cry and cling to me acting spoiled. But adults can’t do that. Adults have responsibilities. They will hide to cry and conceal when they are sad or scared. Gu Baobei is the same. She will avoid the whole world to cry in sorrow, but isn’t afraid of you seeing it… Maybe it’s out of habit. When I’m at my saddest, I always think of you. I’m not afraid of you seeing me in a wretched, wounded state, not afraid at all…
But I didn’t say it. Concealing the look in my eyes, I finally had the courage to look at him. For the first time, I seriously looked at him and said, “Ah, I’m sorry. I was so frightened that I randomly pressed your number. Jay, I’m really sorry.”
When Jay lowered his head, about to say something, An’an woke up. The little guy lay on Xiao Qi’s back rubbing his eyes. Seeing it was me beside him, he immediately hugged my leg and called out sweetly, “Jiejie! An’an hug!”
Xiao Qi also cooperatively barked and wagged its tail, sticking out its tongue and pawing its little paws.
I secretly breathed a sigh of relief. I smiled, put away the blanket draped over Gu Xiao’an, and picked up the blanket spread on the ground, placing it on a nearby chair. I slung An’an’s little bag over my shoulder before reaching out to pick up An’an.
Seeing me bend over to take the blanket from the chair, Jay hurriedly stopped me. He grabbed the blankets and held them all in his arms, looking a bit flustered at first glance. He realized it himself and scratched his head before saying, “You take An’an back. I’ll return the blankets for you.” Then he turned his head and lowered his voice to ask An’an, “An’an, weren’t you thirsty?”
At his question, the little one in my arms immediately straightened up. Puffing out his cheeks, he stared straight at Jay. Seeing this, I was also stunned. Then the little guy turned to look at me, rubbing his little head against my neck like a puppy, mumbling in a spoiled tone, “Jiejie! Jiejie! An’an drink milk!”
“An’an wait a bit. I’ll make milk for you as soon as we get home.” I patted the little one’s head. This time, I didn’t pay attention to Jay anymore. Nodding, I carried An’an and left. Xiao Qi also followed behind me, wagging its tail and running ahead, occasionally turning its head to look at me and An’an, seeming to know we were going home, in high spirits.
Back home, I watched An’an wearing his little bib and holding his milk bottle, with Xiao Qi obediently lying beside him. I just sat quietly to the side, feeling everything was like a dream. I had returned to the past. A baby boy named Gu An had appeared by my side, and with him came Fu Junyan and his big white dog Xiao Qi. For the past month, we had lived under the same roof, a life completely different from my previous one. Jay didn’t live in the apartment next to mine. He didn’t have time to discuss acting with me like before, not even time to eat together. Every time he had just started talking to me, he would be drawn away by all sorts of issues. Of course, most importantly, Gu Xiao’an, this lovable little baby, made me subconsciously spend too much thought on him. He seemed to be the best medicine in the world, able to calm me down to coldly observe many things.
For example, the way Mei-jie looked at Jay, that deeply hidden gaze of chasing after a loved one. In my previous life, I never saw it clearly. In my previous life, after “Regretful Love” aired, the response was huge. Actually, the audience was divided into factions, each hoping I would end up with someone different. But in the end, Jay and I became an on-screen couple and long-term partners. The reason was very simple. We signed with the same management company, and I also signed with Mei-jie.
A management contract was like selling your soul. At that time, no one knew who I was. Everyone thought Xiao Moxiao’s daughter should be surnamed Xiao, so everyone outside called me the Xiao family’s youngest miss. But no one knew I took my mother’s surname, Gu. So from the start, they all thought I was just lucky, born with a beautiful face that looked very similar to Gu Xinyao’s. They never thought I was actually her biological daughter.
At that time, Xu Mei thought that with my contract in hand, I would be obedient. Because when she initially gave me a twenty-year contract, I signed it without even batting an eye. Twenty years – if you were just an ordinary person, once the company froze you1, your whole life would be over. Xu Mei must have thought the same at the time. So she confidently had me collaborate with Jay on drama after drama. Only occasionally, she would kindly remind me like a sister not to confuse acting with reality. She was seven years older than Jay. No matter how excessively she cared, I never thought badly of it, just considering it the company’s routine.
Later, Jay and I secretly fell in love like this behind the company’s back. From time to time, we would go out to eat and meet at the company’s request, creating all sorts of ambiguous moments for the paparazzi to capture. We were also tireless in doing so.
But because Mei-jie watched us when we worked at home and the paparazzi watched us when we went out, in my previous life, despite dating for ten years, Jay never even touched me due to various reasons. Thinking back now, I find it funny. I really don’t know how I muddled through those ten years with him, caught up like that, as if playing hide-and-seek.
It wasn’t until later, when news broke of me and Jay holding hands on a date in Japan which wasn’t arranged by the company, that Xu Mei felt something was off. She then swiftly canceled several of my dramas and stopped letting me collaborate with Jay. She was indeed an excellent manager. After that, she kept sending me bad scripts, directly causing my popularity to decline.
I wasn’t lacking money, so she wanted me to relent, to admit my mistake. But I didn’t give her any reaction and still went to visit Jay on set as usual. Until she was truly furious and personally came to find me. She said to let me see the situation clearly. If I continued to go against the company, against her, the company would freeze me and I wouldn’t be able to take on any more jobs.
But I still did as I pleased. Jay’s attitude was also very good at the time. He gave me his supplementary card and said, “Xiao’ai, don’t be afraid. I’ll take care of you.” At that time, my man was willing to provide for me. I was very happy…
But later, the situation slowly changed. Xu Mei began to change tactics. She transformed into a victim, a lovelorn woman who pined for her beloved. She made a scene, fell ill, cried, and pulled Jay away from my side time and again. In the end, when she attempted suicide by cutting her wrists, Jay finally left me and never looked back.
For a while, whenever I heard Jay’s ringtone, I couldn’t help trembling in fear. Because I watched him be pulled away by that woman again and again. He would hold my hand and say, “Xiao’ai, I can’t just abandon her.” Then, I would watch with my own eyes as he let go of my hand to find Xu Mei. Although he would tell me every time, “Xiao’ai, don’t be afraid. I’ll come back.” But in the end, he never came back…
Because Xu Mei successfully grasped the weakest part of Jay’s heart. He couldn’t bear to abandon her after they had been through thick and thin together…
Before they got married, I was still frozen by the company. It wasn’t until I took the initiative to reveal my identity and paid a huge sum in damages for breach of contract. I always remember the look in Xu Mei’s eyes at that time, like a beast, as if she wanted to tear me apart. She looked at me and said in a tone that seemed to want to devour me, “I was going to make sure you never made a comeback in this lifetime. You’re really lucky.” The resentment in her tone made me want to laugh coldly…
An’an slept too much during the day, so he couldn’t fall asleep at night. I don’t know why, but the little guy was especially clingy to me today. When I sat in a chair, lost in thought, he woke up later and crawled onto me, asking, “Jiejie, what are you doing?”
I stroked his face and told him I was thinking.
As a result, when Fu Junyan came back in the afternoon, he saw a baby and a dog sitting dumbly on the blanket.
Fu Junyan was amused by the two little ones’ clueless appearance. He bent down, patted his little head and asked, “An’an, what are you doing?”
As a result, An’an’s big eyes rolled around. He actually looked at Fu Junyan seriously and, imitating my tone, said, “An’an is pondering.”
At that time, I was drinking water. Upon hearing that, I choked severely, leaning against the wall and coughing until tears nearly fell. Then, I heard Fu Junyan also rarely burst out laughing. He picked up Gu Xiao’an and praised him, “An’an is so smart.”
When it was time for me to film at night, An’an refused to sleep no matter what. Hugging my leg, he wanted to go with me. I thought it wasn’t good for a child’s sleep schedule to be disrupted and wouldn’t agree. But the little guy pitifully turned to look at Fu Junyan, tottering into his arms and acting spoiled, “An’an will be good. An’an won’t make noise.”
Fu Junyan was also very accommodating. Left with no choice, he actually carried An’an and went to work with me.
I changed my outfit and came out of the dressing room. The little guy was still in Fu Junyan’s arms, holding his head and watching me, covering his mouth and saying, “Jiejie, An’an won’t make noise.”
Hearing that, my heart melted like cotton. Looking at Fu Junyan standing beside the director, I could only helplessly and dotingly nod.
This scene was with Jay as my co-star. Gu Xinyao had a miscarriage and escaped from the hospital to her and Mo Qian’s little home to commit suicide. Mu Cunjin barged in and saved Gu Xinyao who was lying in a pool of blood.
When I entered the bathroom, I suddenly recalled my previous life. That day, after he was called away by Xu Mei, he never came back. I hugged his waist, refusing to let him go, but in the end, he still left. I didn’t know if it was because Jay saw Xu Mei lying in a pool of blood that he could never walk away after that. Later, I often thought, if I had held a knife to my neck at that time, crying and hugging him, refusing to let him go, would all the stories that followed have been rewritten?
But I didn’t. I wouldn’t do that. Because I knew my mom’s story, I couldn’t make the same mistake as my mom.
Love… If you lose yourself, what love is left?
Before filming, the crew checked the props and the lights came on. I also started getting into character.
The woman in the bathroom, pale-faced and dazed, turned on the faucet and watched blankly as the bathtub slowly filled up. She sat on the edge of the tub, watching her long dress get soaked. After a long time, she tilted her head and smiled foolishly at herself in the mirror, a tear slowly sliding down the corner of her eye. At this moment, she finally reached out and touched the mirror with her fingertips, watching the tears in her reflection’s eyes fall one by one, dropping into the water without making any ripples.
“Mo Qian…” The woman called out softly. Her gaze suddenly fell on the razor blade on the edge of the sink. She reached out to touch it and suddenly laughed out loud, “Ha, hehe.” When she gripped the blade in her palm, she held it like a treasure, gazing at it again and again. She stroked it with all five fingers. Even when touching the sharp edge, she didn’t seem to feel pain. She only murmured that name, “Mo Qian, Mo Qian…”
Then, the dazed woman suddenly froze, as if she suddenly understood something. She didn’t laugh or cry anymore. She just turned around and sat in the bathtub, her long dress floating on the surface like a beautiful white lotus.
Then, she almost stubbornly stared in one direction, as if making a vow, repeatedly calling out, “Mo Qian, where are you? Mo Qian, I’m coming to find you…” Then, the blade cut across her palm, each time deeper than the last. Blood flowed in rivulets, dying everything red. The snow-white bathtub instantly bloomed with a dazzling white lotus.
In that empty room, she slowly closed her eyes, that man’s name falling from her lips in fragments, “Mo Qian…” With that, a tear silently slid down.
It was also at this moment that Mu Cunjin’s shouts came, followed by increasingly heavy knocks on the door. Finally, he bent over and barged the door open, scooping up the girl who had bloomed like a blood lotus and fainted in the tub. He ran out like crazy, only hoarse, anguished howls left in his mouth.
I lay in Jay’s arms with my eyes closed. The set was so quiet that I could even clearly feel his violently pounding heartbeat and tense muscles trembling against me.
“Okay! One take.” After a moment of silence, John’s voice finally rang out. I opened my eyes, but I was still in Jay’s arms. Because he was immersed in the scene, the sorrowful emotions hadn’t faded from his entire being. He just looked at me in his arms in a daze, his eyes filled with such heartache and grief. This kind of gaze was a gaze I was so familiar with. My nose turned sour and I couldn’t help crying again.
It was also at this moment that earth-shattering cries suddenly rang out. A small figure stumbled towards me. He pushed Jay and hit him, “Bad guy, bad guy, let go of Jiejie! Let go of Jiejie!”
I quickly got up from Jay’s arms. Before I could bend down to coax him, Gu Xiao’an had already pounced on me, knocking me to the ground. The little guy’s face was flushed red as he hugged me, burying his face against me and starting to wail, “Jiejie don’t leave An’an! An’an will be good! An’an will be very good!” I froze, but seeing An’an refusing to get up from my embrace, my heart suddenly started to ache. I hurriedly held him and asked, “What’s wrong? An’an, it’s okay, don’t cry.”
“Jiejie don’t bleed. An’an doesn’t want Jiejie to bleed. An’an will be very good, hic, An’an is good… Jiejie don’t die like Mama…”
Die?! I was instantly stunned. What on earth did Fu Junyan tell An’an? How could such a young child know he had already lost his mother? But at this moment, I didn’t dare ask. I just held the little guy, rocking him and coaxing, “An’an is very good! An’an don’t be afraid, Jiejie is here! Jiejie is here! An’an, this is acting, it’s fake! Jiejie isn’t bleeding, it’s all fake! Don’t cry, An’an is good, An’an don’t cry.”
But Gu Xiao’an wouldn’t listen. He cried until his little body trembled, but he still stubbornly hugged me, refusing to let go. He lowered his head and held up my wrist covered in prop syrup, crying and saying, “Jiejie doesn’t hurt. An’an will blow on it.”
My eyes stung terribly because of this child. All the grievances and sorrows nearly poured out. Looking at this child who stubbornly doted on me, at this moment, I also couldn’t hold back anymore. Not caring about anything, I sat on the ground and started bawling.
Many of the crew members also had red-rimmed eyes.
Through my blurry vision, I saw Fu Junyan walk over. He squatted down and hugged me and An’an, just patting our backs over and over, coaxing us, “Good, don’t cry.”
- Freeze here means to be put on hold or shelved temporarily by a management company. My understanding is that being “??” (l?ngcáng) doesn’t necessarily imply a negative assessment of the actress’s talent or potential; rather, it may be part of a deliberate strategy to manage their career effectively. But they won’t be actively assigned to projects/roles. ↩︎
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