In the end, it was Fu Junyan who resolved the situation. He lifted the crying Gu Xiao’an who had thrown himself into my arms and hugged the little one to his chest, letting him see my hand. His slender index finger naturally hooked up the fake wound, and I could feel the warmth of his finger. Then he patted An’an on the back, gave him a reassuring look, and scooped up some prop blood that had been mixed by the crew to look like real blood, showing it to An’an and saying gently, “An’an, have a taste.”
Gu Xiao’an stubbornly shook his head upon seeing it, sniffing and saying in a tearful voice, “An’an isn’t a monster!”
I choked for a moment, then heard Fu Junyan continue coaxing him with good temperament, “This is prop syrup used for acting, it’s sweet. Just like the candy An’an likes to eat.” As he said that, he raised his head to give me a deep look, signaling for me not to worry, before adding, “I asked the prop master, it’s edible.” Hearing this, I also nodded and gave the red-nosed Gu Xiao’an an encouraging look.
Gu Xiao’an puffed out his cheeks and kept staring at me. Seeing me nod, he finally looked straight at Fu Junyan for a long time with reddened eyes. Fu Junyan just held up his hand patiently in front of the little one. Finally, after a while, Gu Xiao’an stuck out his tongue like a little animal and licked Fu Junyan’s finger, the motion seeming to require all his courage, both timid and brave.
Only then did I realize An’an had stopped crying. But his little hand was still clutching the corner of my clothes tightly as he asked weakly in a voice only Fu Junyan and I could hear, “Sister won’t die like mommy, right?” That timid look scratched at my heart. I nodded solemnly, glanced at Fu Junyan, then lowered my head to kiss An’an’s little face.
At this point, Jay walked over from the side. He bent down to pat Gu Xiao’an’s little head and said to me, “Xiao Ai, you’re lucky to have such a good relative.”
I looked up at him towering over me and couldn’t help saying, “I don’t know what good fortune I’ve accumulated…”
That night, An’an took the initiative to bring his little blanket to sleep with me again. Carrying his blanket, he tilted his little head and knocked on my door, pouting his little cheeks and looking at me with big, extremely serious eyes, saying, “Sister, sleep with An’an!”
I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. The feeling of being needed was so wonderful. Just from his childish words, my heart instantly warmed as if I had seen the most beautiful sunrise in the world, no longer feeling any regrets or sorrows.
I sat up from the bed, pulling up the blanket, and waved, nodding at him with a smile.
Then the little one ran over like a gust of wind, first charging into my arms to give me a smacking kiss. Then he arranged the blanket himself and lay down, his pink little hand clutching the corner of my clothes. He blinked and looked at me several times before closing his eyes in contentment.
After a short while, a ball of white fur squeezed through the door that hadn’t been fully closed. Xiao Qi wagged his tail as he ran in. Seeing Gu Xiao’an lying down, he let out a soft bark and curled up at the foot of the bed, closing his eyes.
I watched all this in silence. Only when I raised my head did I notice Fu Junyan, who at some point had started quietly observing us while leaning against the door frame. I pointed at An’an’s little hand holding onto my clothes. He nodded, still just watching us from the shadows. I couldn’t see his expression clearly, but I imagined it must be an extremely gentle and warm look. His slender figure stood before me in the dim night. I suddenly recalled when all those inexplicable incidents happened one after another, when I climbed into the nanny van in a daze, he reached out like that to take An’an from me and said, “You’re tired, rest for a bit.” That simple reaching out of his hand seemed to relieve me of all my bewilderment and helplessness.
Or perhaps it was precisely because of those hands that first entered my sight, from then on, no matter when, seeing him never made me feel afraid, only reassured. The phrase “the world is tranquil and beautiful” suddenly came to mind. I felt that just this was incomparably wonderful. I must be crazy…
But I still had a question to ask. I said, “Fu Junyan, how does An’an know his mom died?”
He seemed to understand and answered me without hesitation in a low voice, “That day when I brought An’an into the room, I told him.”
Hearing him say this, I suddenly found it a bit unbearable. Thinking of the pain of growing up without a mother, uncontrollably, I almost angrily raised my eyes to glare at Fu Junyan. Because I absolutely could not understand why he did this!
But Fu Junyan wasn’t angry. He just continued standing there in the shadows and said calmly, his tone gentle and heavy, “We can tell An’an that his mom went on a long trip because he’s young. But behind one lie are countless more lies, an endless bottomless pit. Xiao Ai, do you want this child’s childhood to be filled with lies? We can’t give An’an his birth mother, so from the start, we shouldn’t give the child false hope. Children are naive, not ignorant, but he will grow up eventually. Telling him the truth is better than anything. And with our love, believe that he won’t be lonely or lacking.”
I fell silent. He wasn’t wrong. Finally, I closed my eyes and dropped my head weakly, saying, “Fu Junyan, I’m sorry.”
But he just smiled and shook his head at me, saying, “Silly child.” Then I watched as he closed the door for me and quietly turned to leave.
The next day, Fu Junyan prepared two glasses of milk as usual. When I put down my empty glass with satisfaction and smacked my lips, I saw An’an clutching his milk bottle tightly to his chest, refusing to drink no matter what.
I said, “What’s wrong, An’an? Too hot?” I reached out to take his milk bottle.
But Gu Xiao’an shook his head and scooted further back into his chair, hugging the milk bottle. He lowered his head to swallow as he stared at the nipple, his little face flushed red as if in a stalemate. He turned his head and said to Fu Junyan who was frying eggs, “Water, An’an wants water!”
On the way to the studio, I looked at Gu Xiao’an’s careful manner as he held the milk bottle, then raised my head to look at Fu Junyan, my eyes full of confusion. But he also just shook his head, as puzzled as I was about why this little one who loved milk so much couldn’t bear to take a single sip today.
When Jay arrived on set, I saw a flicker of joy in Gu Xiao’an’s eyes, and also a hint of shyness. I really wondered when An’an had gotten so close with Jay? I rubbed my eyes, thinking I must have seen wrong.
Then sure enough, as soon as An’an saw Jay approach, he struggled out of Fu Junyan’s arms. His little body hugged the milk bottle as he threw himself onto Xiao Qi’s back, burying his little face by Xiao Qi’s ear and whispering something. His voice was very soft. I could only hear that warm childish tone. The child’s expression was very solemn, making the surrounding crew members unable to hold back their secret smiles.
With every sentence An’an said, Xiao Qi would let out a bark. The two little ones were so happy together. I had long since given in to these two living treasures. Standing to the side, I could only helplessly throw up my hands and exchange a smile with Fu Junyan.
After this person-dog chat went on for a while, Gu Xiao’an finally seemed to make up his mind and ran over to Jay’s leg. The little one shyly tugged on Jay’s pant leg, raising his little face to look up at Jay with a pair of big, shining eyes, his expression solemn and adorable. But he suddenly raised the milk bottle he had been cradling in his arms like a treasure as high as he could and shouted at Jay, “An’an give! An’an give milk, uncle nice! An’an sorry!”
The set suddenly quieted down because of the child’s milky words. Jay looked a bit stunned at An’an by his feet, and I…
“Why are you crying again?” Fu Junyan’s warm fingertips brushed over my eyes, only then did I realize I had shed tears.
I bit my lip, looking at that sincere little rascal, my heart in turmoil. Where did this little bean sprout come from? How could he exist? How could there be such a thoughtful child?
Dingyue-ge also walked over from the side and patted my shoulder, his cold aura lessening quite a bit. He didn’t have work yesterday afternoon and wasn’t on set, but he must have heard about it more or less. Watching Gu Xiao’an stubbornly holding up the milk bottle by Jay’s feet, he sighed and said to me, “This child tugs at the heartstrings.”
I nodded at him and let out a nasal “mm”. Then I turned my head to see Fu Junyan walk over and lift Gu Xiao’an up, helping him hand the milk bottle to Jay.
“Xiao Ai, how old are you?”
“Huh?” I was startled, not expecting Fang Dingyue to suddenly ask me this question. After a long while, I answered, “Eighteen.” This year, I was only eighteen, in the prime of a girl’s youth.
I was the eighteen-year-old Gu Baobei, not the twenty-eight-year-old Gu Baobei who had suffered the pains of love and was homeless ten years later. I glanced at An’an again, then at Fu Junyan who was holding the child. They were my unexpected encounters after being reborn, disrupting so many of the storylines I should have had in my previous life. But I didn’t feel the slightest bit of pity…
“You’re still a child yourself, yet you have to take care of a child too.” Fang Dingyue sighed, his whole being suddenly seeming very approachable as he said, “Xiao Ai, you’re both good kids.”
Only then did I recall that in my previous life, Fang Dingyue and I played lovers who loved each other to the bone, to the point of life and death. But in reality, our relationship was cold enough to drop into an ice cave. Fang Dingyue wasn’t an easy-going person. He had a cold aura and was indifferent to everyone. People seeing him would think of the words “cold and proud”. Only much, much later did everyone know he indeed had the capital to be cold and proud. He was born into a political family, the son of a high-ranking official, the kind of man who could casually drive his car into Zhongnanhai1 for a spin.
In my previous life, when I took on this drama, I was still a little miss spoiled by my dad, ignorant of hardships and thinking too highly of myself. Whether it was the Gu family, Xiao family, or Mo family, with a cough from me, I could turn any field upside down. So even if such an ‘icy block’ was outstanding as a man, I had no interest. Moreover, although I was attracted to the script and had an interest in it back then, in the end I just felt it was fun to act and did it as a diversion, not putting my heart into it. Sometimes when I wasn’t in the mood, I would just go through the motions. John had high standards, and so did Fang Dingyue.
But in my previous life, because I often got NG on set, one time he looked at me coldly and said, “Gu Baobei, if you don’t want to act, go home and rest!” I didn’t understand him then, only felt stifled and threw him a few white-eyed glares, my heart full of complaints. I thought to myself that I wouldn’t be like this when acting opposite Jay. Jay already had a bit of fame in the entertainment industry at that time and didn’t impatiently give me looks like Fang Dingyue who was a newcomer like me. How was I to know, Jay tolerated me because he liked me.
Later, there was a time Fang Dingyue requested leave from the crew. It happened to coincide with the crew filming on location. The crew had rented the Leaning Tower of Pisa from the Pisa government for half a day, which was quite a difficult feat. But he, the lead actor, suddenly wanted to take time off. Old John was in a bit of a bind. I, however, watched nervously from the side, unable to ignore it. Using the words he had said to me before, I shouted at him, “If you want to act, then act properly. What’s with the special treatment? Holding up everyone’s progress.” I said those words to provoke him just because my spoiled temper flared up, holding a grudge that he had yelled at me like that before.
But it just so happened that I was also in talks with Xu Mei about a contract at that time. So in order to sign me, Xu Mei tried hard to please me and firmly stood on my side, making things difficult for Dingyue-ge. Fang Dingyue was thwarted like this again and again. Later, he probably got fed up too and never brought up taking leave to go back to China again.
After that, for a period of time, his emotions were off and he made mistakes while filming. I also gloated over it for quite a while. But as “Regretful Love” gained popularity, I later found out through the media that Fang Dingyue’s relationship with his family wasn’t good at that time. Later, he heard his mother seemed to be ill, so he felt uneasy and wanted to take time off to go check on her. As a result, he was put in a difficult position by me. By the time the hospital issued a critical condition notice for his mother and he found out, rushing to catch a flight back from Italy, it was already too late. Because of this, he missed the chance to see his mother one last time…
Thinking about it now, that time seems to be approaching soon…
“Dingyue-ge.”
“What?” There was warmth in his eyes as he turned his head to look at me.
“Dingyue-ge, how did Old John find you?”
“He held an open audition in Milan with multiple rounds of selection, picking one out of six thousand people.” He smiled, the curve of his lips very handsome, dissolving much of his innate coldness.
“Oh.” I nodded and blinked at him mischievously, “I was grabbed by Old John on the street!”
“Everyone knows you have good luck!” He laughed heartily, thought for a bit, then said, “You also act well. It’s easy to get into the right mood when acting opposite you.”
Hearing his praise made me quite happy. Thinking that in my previous life, he won Best Actor at the Golden Dragon Awards2 for the role of Mo Qian in a surprise victory, I casually said, “Dingyue-ge, don’t make fun of me. Picking one out of six thousand! You act so well, maybe the Best Actor award at the year-end Golden Dragon Awards will be yours?”
“Really? What a coincidence, instant fame then.”
I smiled and thought for a moment before looking at him and saying, “Dingyue-ge, when Old John found me, I had just run away from home! Thinking about it, I haven’t contacted my dad at all in the two months since joining the crew. I kind of miss him… My dad is getting old, I don’t know if his health is good or not? Do you think he might not be angry anymore but is too proud to reach out, hoping I’ll admit my mistake first and give him a call?”
Fang Dingyue seemed to not have expected me to suddenly say these things. He pondered for a while as if in meditation before patting my shoulder and saying, “Do what you feel is right.”
“Then Dingyue-ge, do you miss your daddy and mommy?”
He came back to his senses and turned to me, saying, “We don’t call them that. We directly call them ‘dad’ and ‘mom’. Not as affectionate as how you girls say it.”
I nodded, smiling innocently, “That’s right! But counting it up, we’ve been with the crew for two months! Dingyue-ge, you men are the most careless. Remember to give your parents a call too! Show some concern! Like ask if they’re in good health, what they’ve been eating recently, that sort of thing. You don’t know, old folks are actually like children and need to be coaxed.”
After saying that, without waiting for his response, I turned and ran over to Gu Xiao’an’s side. By now, Gu Xiao’an already had a big smile on his face, contentedly hugging his empty milk bottle while lying on Xiao Qi’s back.
And Jay stood to the side, far away from him, holding a cup of water with his brows still furrowed. He kept taking big gulps of water and saying to Fu Junyan who stood beside him, “I hate drinking milk the most… hate milk the most… I hate cows…” Seeing this, I covered my mouth and turned my head slightly to laugh. Jay, who would run the other way even with his eyes closed at the sight of a cow, was forced by this little runt to drink a whole bottle of milk…
In my previous life, Jay always had a pretty good reputation as a celebrity, with almost no incidents of throwing tantrums. His image was also always down-to-earth. But there was one time he got angry and walked out while recording a variety show. Actually, it was just because the program director had unknowingly stepped on his sore spot and insisted on making him, who hated drinking milk the most, drink a whole glass of milk on the show. This time… I looked at Gu Xiao’an with quite a bit of gratification, covering my mouth to secretly laugh a few more times.
And when I raised my head and saw Fu Junyan staring at me giggling, that inexplicably knowing look in his eyes made me shrink my neck. I stuck my tongue out at him.
From the start of filming, I had inexplicably moved in with him and didn’t stay in the apartment building uniformly rented by the crew. In my previous life, his fame was so big it overwhelmed the sky. If Fu Junyan typed an extra comma in his Weibo post, entertainment newspapers could use it as a headline. His popularity reached an unstoppable level. Whoever got involved with him would soar to success. If an unknown makeup artist or actor received even a two-word comment of “thank you” from him on Weibo, they would gain instant fame.
But it was precisely this kind of person who basically did not interact with outsiders. In my previous life, he very rarely participated in show recordings. Even if he took part in some drama promotions, he didn’t say much. At major award ceremonies, it was almost always his agent who went on stage. He always maintained that image of being red-hot yet warm and mild-mannered, acting superbly but keeping an extremely low profile in his personal life. Polite, yet distant. Like an unfathomable cloud, shapeless and without borders.
I had always thought he must be as clear and cold as water, standing at the apex of the sky. It would be a luxury to look at him for a moment longer. If one were to touch his fingertips, it would seem sacrilegious… So I never imagined he would be such a warm man…
The filming in the studio was about to end, but there was still no news of Fang Dingyue requesting leave. I was a bit worried that he might not have taken my words to heart.
One morning, Fu Junyan pulled me away when I was about to wake An’an who was sleeping in. He whispered, “Come with me.” Then he held my hand and led me all the way to the playroom he had specially set up for Gu Xiao’an. I watched as he moved An’an’s building blocks and toy train aside bit by bit and lifted a corner of the shag rug for me to see.
I rubbed my eyes, thinking I hadn’t woken up properly. I took two steps forward to confirm I really wasn’t seeing things. There was actually a pile of colorful candies hidden under the rug! I was quite speechless. Turning to Gu Junyan, I asked, “What is Gu Xiao’an trying to do? Stock up for winter?”
But Fu Junyan just looked at me deeply without answering, only saying, “Look, there’s no chocolate.”
“Wow!” I squatted down to sit on the rug and rummaged through those colorful candies. Indeed, there wasn’t a single piece of chocolate! I raised my head to look at the TV mounted on the wall, my heart growing heavier. Only then did I turn to Fu Junyan and say seriously, “Fu Junyan! An’an’s ability to imitate is too strong. I think from now on, before letting him watch cartoons, we should watch them first. Otherwise, if he starts clamoring to hibernate one day, what will I do?”
Fu Junyan heard this, raised his brows, and tilted his head to look at me. Suddenly, he burst out laughing. He laughed so handsomely with curved brows and eyes, as if bathed in a spring breeze. Then, he squatted down beside me and sat close to me before reaching out to ruffle my hair, saying, “Silly.”
“Ah!”
He laughed out loud, his voice bright and pleasant, his eyes swirling with attractive colors. He said again, “Really silly!”
“Huh?” I paused for a moment. Even if I was slow, I knew he was making fun of me. I immediately armed myself, hugging my legs and scooting back a bit. I didn’t want to sit close to him. Thinking that, I puffed out my cheeks and lifted my head to glare at him fiercely, mentally drawing circles and crosses, cursing him for calling me silly. You’re the silly one, your whole family is silly!
“Silly like a pufferfish!” He laughed again, his eyes already full of mirth.
But I deflated, retracting my puffed-out cheeks. This pufferfish-like pose made my heart surge. I just wanted to draw a circle to curse him, but I also felt he was so good. I could only bury my head and ignore him.
“Silly pufferfish!” But he reached out to ruffle my hair again, saying, “Xiao’ai, so well-behaved.” His voice was soft and gentle, spreading to my ears in a lingering way that made one feel powerless.
Then he covered the shag rug and carefully put the toys back in their original places bit by bit, as if they had never been moved. Turning around, he said to me, “Shh! This is our secret!”
I just nodded dumbly, then thought of him calling me a silly pufferfish again. Feeling both agitated and embarrassed, I covered my face and fled.
- Zhongnanhai (???) is a complex of buildings in central Beijing, China. It’s also where the headquarters of the Communist Party of China (CPC) and the State Council of China, which is the country’s central government are. Zhongnanhai is a venue for important political meetings and discussions; a symbol of politcal power, high-level decision-making and government affairs. ↩︎
- The Golden Dragon Awards (???) is one of the most prestigious film awards in the Chinese-speaking world (China, Taiwan, Hong Kong and other Chinese speaking regions). ↩︎
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