The sky had completely darkened. Xu You had been crouching on an unfamiliar street for a long time, her mind continuously buzzing. Her phone vibrated tirelessly, but she never answered, not even having the energy to look at the caller ID.
Finally, her feet went numb, and the pain in her stomach finally eased a little.
“—Young lady, are you okay?” A voice appeared beside her ear.
Xu You looked up to see a young woman wearing a face mask. She bent down worriedly asking: “I’ve seen you crouching here alone for a long time…”
Xu You froze, trying hard to appear natural, waving her hand, saying to the person: “I’m fine…”
Her face was pale and weak, and she coughed several times in succession.
The young woman couldn’t help stepping forward to support her, “You don’t look well at all, do you need to go to the hospital or something?”
“No need…”
At this moment, Xu You’s phone rang again, it was Xie Ci calling. She sighed softly, casually declining the call.
It wasn’t that she was deliberately ignoring him, but she knew that right now, some emotions had built up in her heart that weren’t easy to dispel. Her spirit was scattered, and at times like this when emotions took over, continuing to argue would only hurt each other.
She didn’t want to argue with Xie Ci, and even more didn’t want to hurt him.
“Thank you.” Xu You thanked her embarrassedly after standing steadily.
“What are you thanking me for, it’s just a small gesture.”
The kind-hearted young woman accompanied Xu You to hail a taxi by the roadside, only leaving after seeing her get in the car.
At home. The living room and kitchen lights were on, Dad Xu was sitting on the sofa reading a newspaper. Hearing movement, he looked up at Xu You who had just entered.
“Dad.”
Xu You changed her shoes and walked a few steps closer.
Dad Xu picked up the remote control placed aside, turning down the TV volume, casually asking: “Where did you go with your classmates, out all day, and not answering calls just now.”
“I didn’t check my phone just now, didn’t go anywhere special, just had dinner and came back.”
Dad Xu was silent for two or three seconds, putting down the newspaper in his hand, “Come here, I have something to discuss with you.”
Xu You nodded, lacking energy, taking off her bag as she walked over.
“You’ve been off lately.”
She was a bit stunned.
Then she heard Dad Xu say: “Tell me honestly, are you still thinking about the physics competition?”
“…”
“No…” Xu You murmured in response.
“No?!”
Dad Xu raised his voice, somewhat excitedly throwing down a book from beside him, scolding, “The materials I bought you, you said you had no time to do them, but what happened? You finished all your B version Five Three physics exercises, where did you find so much time? We’ve told you competitions aren’t the way forward, you haven’t received any training, your school doesn’t organize external training either, why are you still so stubborn, has water gotten into your brain?!”
“Haven’t you learned enough from your brother’s lesson?! Wasted year after year, and still didn’t achieve anything notable. Others at least had proper training, you’re just relying on self-study, how far can you go!”
“A girl’s youth isn’t so easily wasted. Last summer vacation I agreed to let you enter the physics competition, but you were eliminated in the preliminary round. I know you had a fever then, your performance was unstable, but that’s not an excuse, you know? What if something like this happens again in your third year? Competitions are different from the college entrance exam, why won’t you give up… It’s almost the most crucial time and you’re still distracted by competitions. If you don’t do well in the college entrance exam because of this, are you planning to repeat a year?”
“…”
She understood her father’s expectations and worries, couldn’t find words to argue back, so simply remained silent. Xu You’s cousin had also studied for competitions, but failed in his final year of high school, didn’t get recommended for admission, and his college entrance exam was affected too. In the end, her cousin didn’t want to repeat a year and settled for an ordinary 211 university.
“What’s going on, what’s going on?”
Chen Xiuyun heard the commotion and came out from the kitchen. Seeing Xu You being scolded again, she became anxious, quickly stepping forward to pull Xu You behind her, “Why are you scolding the child again…”
“Ask her yourself!” Dad Xu’s anger hadn’t subsided.
Chen Xiuyun turned her gaze to Xu You who was lowering her head.
She stood motionless and silent, not saying a word, her eyelids drooping down.
“What’s going on?”
Xu You’s lips were pressed tight.
“Say something, do you want to worry your mom to death?”
Xu You opened her mouth to speak, but tears fell instead. She tried to wipe them with the back of her hand, but couldn’t stop them.
Seeing her like this, both adults’ hearts softened. After a long standoff, Dad Xu’s anger subsided a bit, he sighed heavily, his tone profound: “It’s not that dad is forcing you, our whole family’s hope is on you, your mom and I only have one daughter, we’ve worked so hard to raise you. Your grades are good, don’t waste such an important time period on meaningless things, you’ll regret it later…”
“Alright alright I won’t say anymore today, go back and think about it carefully, go wash up and sleep early today.”
Chen Xiuyun called out to her, “Do you want to eat something, mom made noodles.”
Xu You shook her head.
After showering, she leaned against the bed, spacing out for a while. Feeling too cold sitting there, she simply took off her clothes and crawled into the blankets.
The blankets weren’t warm either, her hands and feet felt ice cold.
In her daze, she thought of Xie Ci for some reason. When you spend a long time with someone, you become too dependent, and habitually miss them.
He always wore little clothing, yet his body was warm and dry, unlike herself, cold as ice. So whenever they were out together, he would habitually hold her hand and put it in his pocket.
Fingers intertwined, skin warming skin. Even wearing gloves wasn’t as warm as this.
The phone light was very bright, placed beside the pillow, vibrating again and again.
This time it wasn’t calls, but messages.
Light ding-dong sounds, continuous, echoing in the room.
The last message was longer than the previous ones. Xu You picked it up to look.
[Can you answer my calls? Can you at least look at the messages?… Xu You I’m really scared of you now, how can someone treat feelings even less seriously than me, breaking up just like that…]
Seeing this, she didn’t read further.
The dim yellow bedside lamp was still on, Xu You reached out to turn it off, the room suddenly plunging into darkness.
She picked up her phone, turned over, feeling her way to dial a number.
Two rings.
“…Damn it, Xu You I’ve been standing under your building for two hours, finally you’re paying attention to me. Fuck, I was just about to send you a farewell letter.” His tone held both grievance and anger.
“…”
“Can you hear me?”
“Go ahead.”
“Coming down? Come down please.”
Xie Ci spoke very quickly, asking twice.
Xu You made no sound.
“Even your community’s security guard grandpa almost recognizes me now…”
“Xie Ci, you have a cold, go back quickly.” She spoke, her voice very soft.
He was silent for a while, seeming to accept it, “You tell me, what exactly do I need to do, I really can’t take it anymore.”
“…”
“Are you going to break up with me?”
“No.”
“Oh…”
There was a slight clicking sound of a lighter from the other end.
Xie Ci was smoking again.
“You don’t like my friends?” he asked.
Xu You gripped the phone tightly, her hand trembling, “No, our problem, it’s not that.”
“What problem then, so you don’t like me?”
He made an “oh” sound, “Let me put it another way.”
“You look down on me, and my friends, think we have poor grades, think we live extravagantly, that our interests are vulgar.
All day just eating, drinking, playing around, fighting and causing trouble, is that it? Anyway, that’s what all of you think, right?”
Xie Ci’s voice was rarely cold.
And vulnerable.
She couldn’t hold it in anymore, biting her lip, tears soaking her pillow.
Long silence on the phone. Silent except for the whooshing of wind. A few minutes that felt longer than several hours.
“Okay, I understand.”
He hung up after saying this.
She didn’t sleep well that night. Xu You had a dream.
In the dream, she seemed to walk a very long road, her eyes full of chaotic light retreating backward.
Sometimes Xie Ci accompanied her walking, sometimes he disappeared. She watched him walk away.
His silhouette grew faint, then fainter and fainter, finally disappearing into darkness.
When she woke up, Xu You picked up her phone to check the time, four in the morning. She lay in bed, eyes looking at the ceiling, unable to sleep anymore. She got up, lifted the curtain to look outside.
The night was a vast expanse of reflecting light.
It was snowing again.
This city.
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