Later, Xie Ci successfully picked out the bear he wanted. He held Xu You’s hand with his left hand and carried the white teddy bear with his right, attracting attention as they walked down the street.
They explored half the neighboring city, and Xie Ci even took her to a small shop to drink cherry wine.
It was Xu You’s first time trying that kind of wine; she found it too spicy and too sweet-and-sour. The rich, intense flavor left such a strong impression that she couldn’t forget it even many years later.
Under the silvery moonlight, the small lights along the road gave off a gentle but faint glow.
Xie Ci walked Xu You home, their fingers intertwined as they chatted aimlessly.
“Xu You, which university do you want to go to in the future?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it…”
“Probably Shanghai, what about you?”
“Wherever you go, I’ll definitely follow. The wife follows the husband, you know.”
Xu You: “Haven’t you got the gender roles mixed up?”
He laughed, “You know what I mean.”
The residential area was in sight, and their steps slowed down. Xie Ci let go of Xu You’s hand and said, “Close your eyes and hold out your hand.”
“What?”
She was stunned as she saw Xie Ci pull out an extremely thin silver bracelet from his pocket, “Happy birthday.”
“Huh?” Xu You looked at the item in her palm, surprised but mostly confused, “But it’s not my birthday today.”
“I’m celebrating it early for you.” Xie Ci put his hands back in his pockets and stepped back, “Consider it my return gift for the bear.”
“Were you happy today?” Xu You nodded.
Xie Ci lowered his eyelashes, hiding all his emotions as he said softly, “That’s good then.”
“Xu You.” He called her name again.
Xu You responded seriously.
“I won’t come looking for you anymore, focus on preparing for your college entrance exam.” He smiled gently as usual.
This didn’t sound like something he would say, so Xu You felt strange inside, somehow hearing a tone of sadness in it.
She remained silent, watching his carefree smile as she clutched the bracelet tightly in her palm, “Will you wait for me?”
“Yes.” Xie Ci promised.
He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
After that, take care of yourself.
—
When the second semester of senior year began, time seemed to rocket forward, with the countdown numbers visibly decreasing day by day.
Xu You’s grades were very stable, always in the top ten of her grade, a sure candidate for Tsinghua or Peking University1.
She attended school normally, left normally, living without much turbulence.
But Xu You would always remember that Monday, after the flag-raising ceremony, when gossip about Xie Ci quietly spread throughout the entire grade, with almost everyone discussing it.
When she first heard this news, Xu You was completely stunned, unable to believe what she had heard.
She even doubted the truth of this news for a very long time.
That ominous feeling grew stronger and stronger, and Xu You didn’t even bother with class, going straight to Class 7 to find Song Yifan.
They stood in the corridor, and Xu You asked anxiously, “What exactly happened to his family, where did Xie Ci go?”
“Didn’t he tell you before?” Song Yifan was stunned, hesitated for a moment, then told her that something had happened to Xie Ci’s father, and he had already left the city. No matter how much Xu You asked, he wouldn’t say anything more.
Xu You was still in a state of shock and disbelief, trembling all over, “Did he not say anything?”
Song Yifan seemed unable to bear looking at her expression anymore, “He did.”
“Xie Ci said he would wait for you.”
Hearing these words, Xu You’s heart felt like it had fallen freely to the ground, shattering into pieces.
In the end, Xie Ci didn’t even say “let’s break up,” he just suddenly disappeared completely from Xu You’s life.
The older you get, the more you can feel the weight of loneliness.
That period was very difficult, as Xu You completely cut off contact with Xie Ci.
She often stayed awake all night, frequently thinking about Xie Ci who had left without saying goodbye, who had suddenly disappeared. This kind of longing couldn’t be confided to anyone; she could only endure it bit by bit on her own.
Even at school, Xu You was terrifyingly silent, often going an entire day without saying a single word. She returned to her previous self, rarely communicating with others, just burying herself in solving problems.
And there was no one like Xie Ci anymore, deliberately making her angry, making her upset, making her happy.
Occasionally when she thought of him, Xu You would suddenly space out, wondering if Xie Ci had ever existed, or if he had just been a dream.
She thought, as long as it passed, everything she was suffering now would be worth it, anything unpleasant could be forgotten.
As long as it passed, it would be fine.
As long as it passed, she could pretend no one had left, nothing had happened.
In the days that followed, there seemed to be nothing much. Xu You acted as if nothing had happened, living each day very calmly.
Her phone was locked away in a drawer, deep inside, with no more expectations.
She could still occasionally meet Song Yifan and the others on campus, but his figure was no longer among them.
One day after exercise, several girls passed by Xu You with yogurt and snacks, walking and chatting.
“Ah, feels like it’s been so long since we’ve seen Xie Ci…”
Someone whispered: “….You don’t know?”
They walked further and further away until their figures couldn’t be seen anymore, but Xu You still stood in place.
Senior year passed incredibly quickly, everyone was busy. Red motivational quotes were posted everywhere – at classroom doors, on staircases. From unified exams to the hundred-day countdown ceremony, first mock exam, second mock exam, third mock exam.
Xu You spoke less and less, her grades became more and more outstanding. She listened to her parents and teachers, no longer participating in competitions.
She told herself, don’t look back, don’t think about it. Stay strong no matter what difficulties you encounter.
Every night during that time was quiet.
In the last week, the countdown board finally showed only a bright red 7. The senior classrooms would become exam rooms for the college entrance exam, and when setting up the exam rooms, all the wall decorations were covered with white paper.
The teacher kept some students to clean, dust flying in the classroom. Someone accidentally choked and coughed until tears came out.
First and second-year students were on break, and they moved to the newly built teaching building for first-years, on the other side of the playground.
There was a river in front of the classroom corridor, with a newly grown grass field opposite.
Senior students crowded the stairway corridors on each floor. White paper cranes folded from book pages flew everywhere, some falling into the river and floating away. Someone shouted into the distance, causing laughter throughout the building.
Xu You walked through the crowd, carrying her backpack into the classroom, finding her new seat. It was a window seat, where the last rays of sunlight could reach.
The classroom was noisy and bustling. As she lowered her head to organize her books, someone suddenly stood beside her.
Xu You looked up to see Qiu Qingqing holding a classmate memory book, waving it and asking playfully, “Could you write one for me?”
Qiu Qingqing put the paper on Xu You’s desk.
“Ah, okay.” Xu You answered softly.
Qiu Qingqing stood beside her, waiting for her to finish.
“Xu You, I actually envy you.” Qiu Qingqing suddenly seemed to think of something and laughed.
“What?”
“Xie Ci.” Qiu Qingqing’s voice was very relaxed, as if she had already let go, “I was actually quite upset before.”
“………”
Xu You immediately gripped her pen tighter, all color draining from her face.
Qiu Qingqing stared at Xu You’s dazed expression, her voice very low.
“It wasn’t until I saw how Xie Ci was when dating you that I realized he had never liked me at all.”
The classroom the afternoon before the college entrance exam was empty and sparse. Books were messily piled on desks, water bottles scattered about. Someone had carelessly written song lyrics on the blackboard with chalk.
You always said graduation was far away, Yet in the blink of an eye, we’re all going our separate ways. Happy graduation.
June 7th, June 8th. Gone in a flash.
When the bell rang after the English exam, all the students poured out of various exam rooms, each face showing relief.
After twelve years of hard study, they were finally free at this moment.
Xu You carried a bottle of water and her stationery, following the flow of people out of school.
Everything was over.
When the final results came out, the teacher was the first to call with congratulations. The city had two joint top scorers in science from First High School’s Class 0. Xu You was one of them. At the time, she was organizing things in her bedroom when Chen Xiuyun walked in holding the phone, telling Xu You this news with joy all over her face. Soon after, all the relatives knew about this and offered their congratulations. Chen Xiuyun and Xu You’s father sat in the living room, making phone calls one after another. The house hadn’t been this harmonious and happy for a long time.
Xu You doesn’t remember much of what happened after. She was very tired that day, took a shower and went straight to bed. Lying there, she thought of nothing, her mind completely empty, sleeping until nearly noon the next day.
When Chen Xiuyun saw her get up, she put down what she was doing and asked with a smile: “What do you want to eat? Should we go out?”
“Mom, I’ll go to the kitchen and make some dumplings, then I have something to do in the afternoon,” she said.
Chen Xiuyun frowned, “You finally finished your exams, you should eat something nice, why dumplings?”
Xu You said: “I suddenly want to eat them.”
The dumplings were put in a thermal container, and Xu You took them, left the residential area, and randomly got on a city loop bus.
The bus was bumpy, her head leaning against the window as her eyes took in every corner of this city.
An elderly man beside her asked, “Young lady, what’s wrong?”
“Ah it’s nothing, I just lost something.” Halfway through speaking, Xu You’s tears fell first, and she hurriedly wiped them away with the back of her hand.
The old man chuckled, “Ah… if it’s lost, don’t cry anymore, maybe you’ll find it again in the future.”
The bus swayed through streets and alleys, past laughing children in shorts, street vendors, summer heat blowing on everyone. Sunlight filtered through brown branches casting shadows on green leaves, ice cubes in milk tea shops, bicycle riders, young people with their shirts billowing in the wind.
Xu You sat in her seat, lowering her head to scoop up the dumplings one by one with a spoon, putting them in her mouth.
As she ate, she began to choke up.
She lowered her head, crying while eating.
When the bus reached its final stop. The food should have been finished, but she forgot.
Actually, she still often thought of him.
She just controlled it.
Her grandmother passed away, time slipped to after the college entrance exam and graduation, her parents divorced, then she went to university in Shanghai.
Xie Ci didn’t appear at the high school graduation reunion either. Those years passed in such chaos that even memories couldn’t be sorted out.
Xu You lived a plain and unoriginal university life. She skipped grades to enter graduate school, and despite her family’s opposition, insisted on choosing journalism, a major unrelated to her undergraduate studies. That day she had a huge argument with her father and sat alone on a park bench in pouring rain for an entire day.
It was also that day when she thought of Xie Ci again. Then that day, she suddenly discovered that her favorite stray cats at school never appeared again.
So Xu You cried very calmly, allowing herself to think about Xie Ci.
Her story with Xie Ci always felt like it was from so long ago. So long ago that memories were covered in dust, and she could barely remember clearly herself.
She always thought she had forgotten. But when carrying a thermos to the hot water room, occasionally passing the basketball court, or even sitting quietly alone in a breakfast shop finishing her meal. Brushing past boys in white jerseys. In these countless unimportant moments, she would always remember him.
Once the thought entered her mind, it would spread uncontrollably.
During those days when she couldn’t let go, sometimes she would want to find him. But thinking too much became painful, so she forced herself to stop thinking.
Until the fourth year without seeing him, when Xu You graduated from university, standing on the green grass under blue skies and white clouds.
The sun was perfect that day.
She finally understood that he was like that summer of senior year.
Once gone, he would never come back.
No matter how well or poorly she lived, whether she forgot him or not, Xie Ci would not return.
From the beginning, she shouldn’t have had such unrealistic thoughts.
She shouldn’t have, shouldn’t have wrestled with herself for so many years.
There were also the most difficult days, when she even planned to accept others’ feelings, saw a therapist. She had tried, had made many attempts. Until one evening when Fu Xueili called to say she was going abroad, asking if she would return.
Before hanging up, Fu Xueili finally said, Xie Ci had also come.
That day she had just returned to her dorm from the library after studying. After hanging up the phone, she sat on the flower bed beside the building. With no lights, she spaced out for a long time in complete darkness, watching the lights in the distant dormitory buildings go out one by one.
Even the dorm auntie was urging that the dormitory curfew was approaching.
Only then did Xu You come to her senses, tears having unconsciously streamed down her face.
Then, she suddenly realized.
No matter how hard she tried, it still wouldn’t work. Even if she deceived herself into thinking she was doing well, it wouldn’t work.
Everything related to him hurt her heart just hearing about it. She was too foolish. The likes in this world weren’t so simple.
Later she met a senior who told her that people who fall apart because of love are worthless.
So Xu You always remembered this.
Gentle but uncompromising, staying strong without panic or hurry, living her own life.
Her own life, a life without Xie Ci.
- The top two universities in China. ↩︎
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