She sat on the bench, staring blankly at the tree in front of her. Only when a child accidentally stumbled against her leg did she snap back to reality.
Xu You slowly picked up her phone, cleared her throat softly to adjust her voice to normal, then dialed a number. Her eyes fixed on the streetlight as she waited for the other end to pick up.
A few seconds later.
“Hello, Xie Ci, this is Xu You.”
“I know,” Xie Ci replied softly.
“Mm.”
“…You—” His voice hesitated, showing uncertainty, “Did you need something?”
Xu You asked, “Have you fixed my car?”
Xie Ci answered immediately, “Yes, it’s fixed.”
She said, “Where are you? I’ll come pick it up.”
“No need,” Xie Ci said, “It’s late. I’ll drive it to you.”
After a moment, Xu You responded, “Okay, thank you for the trouble.”
They were as distant as mere acquaintances, exchanging pleasantries while wearing thick armor to protect themselves.
Xie Ci was quiet for a while before asking, “Where should we meet?”
Ten minutes later.
A familiar Audi slowly pulled up to the curb in front of her. Xie Ci got out of the car.
Xu You caught the keys he tossed to her.
“Why are you alone?” he greeted her casually.
Xu You’s focus was fixed on her own shadow. After hearing his question, she finally looked up and said, “I just got back from a business trip.”
“Oh…” Xie Ci instinctively stood straight and fell silent, perhaps not knowing what to say.
He actually didn’t want to stare at Xu You so directly and greedily, but he couldn’t help but keep his gaze fixed on her.
She wore a simple white dress with her hair down, her face clean and natural without any extra accessories.
Xu You stood up, trying to ease the suddenly stiff atmosphere, “How are you planning to get back?”
“What?” He had been staring too intently and hadn’t caught what Xu You said, still looking at her in a daze.
The night wind whipped her dress backward. Xu You looked at the now quiet and reserved Xie Ci after their reunion.
He was still tall and slim, exactly as she remembered, matching every detail in her memories.
A strange ache rose in her heart.
Time truly was the best medicine for healing.
No matter how deeply it had hurt to the bone back then, the scars could now be smoothed over so easily.
“Back together?” Pang Feng leaned against the door, arms crossed over his chest. “Did you go see that ex-girlfriend who tormented you for years tonight?”
Pang Feng was one of the friends Xie Ci made in recent years, not just another drinking buddy from the bars. He was connected to Xie Ci’s uncle’s side and knew about his family matters.
Xie Ci lay with his hands crossed behind his head, staring at the ceiling without answering.
Pang Feng muttered to himself, somewhat exasperated, “Will this ever end? I’ve never seen people as complicated as you two. I don’t know if she still remembers you, but look at you – secretly pining for someone without daring to speak up. Are you even a man anymore?”
The chattering in his ear made his mind chaotic. Xie Ci fumbled for his cigarette box, pulled one out and held it between his lips, taking two drags.
The tobacco circled through his lungs before being exhaled.
“Don’t talk to me right now, it’s too noisy.”
After smoking several cigarettes and pacing the room a few times, Xie Ci finally couldn’t resist calling her.
“Did you get home?”
“Yes.”
“You…” Xie Ci crushed the paper cup in his hand, “When do you have time? Let’s have a meal together.”
“Okay,” she agreed.
“Mm, then… goodbye, get some rest early.” He didn’t know what else to say.
“Good night.”
As soon as the call ended, Pang Feng applauded from the side, “Xie Ci, you know what? You should have made that call in front of the bathroom mirror.”
“That way you would have seen how awkward you looked, your blushing face made you look ten years younger.”
Xie Ci was slightly annoyed and tossed his phone aside, “Get lost.”
Seeing Xie Ci’s surface irritation but obvious joy in his eyes, Pang Feng said enviously, “Looks like it’s true love. Congratulations, though that girl is really unlucky – how did she end up running into you again after all this time?”
Xie Ci was in a good mood and didn’t mind Pang Feng’s teasing, “Why don’t you go find someone too?”
“No thanks, I still want to play the field and enjoy life’s pleasures.”
That night, waiting for You Lele to return, Xu You sat on the bed slowly peeling a pear while telling her about running into Xie Ci.
You Lele was naturally excited, “Oh my god, how can you two be so destined?”
“Ah… why didn’t you tell me earlier? When I was at the repair shop, I could have gotten a good look at what your first love looked like!”
“Do you think this is a good thing?” Xu You asked.
“Of course it’s a good thing.”
After all these years, Xu You had actually given up hope, though she had mentioned him briefly to friends a few days ago. But she really hadn’t expected to meet Xie Ci again.
She sighed quietly.
You Lele looked at her expression and said half-jokingly, “You know, a peaceful life isn’t always a blessing. Life is short, of course you should live passionately with the one you love for it to have meaning.”
Xu You asked, “Who said I still like Xie Ci?”
“You said yourself you couldn’t forget him after all these years – isn’t that still liking him?” You Lele said casually, “And you really haven’t been able to like anyone else either.”
Life had to go on, and romance was just like passing clouds.
Being a reporter was tiring, and time flew by quickly. The daily work was just “finding stories”, “conducting interviews”, “finding topics”, “writing articles”, “going to the front lines”.
Everyone in the office was busy, but no one knew exactly what they were busy with.
“Xu You, are you okay?”
Li Zheng’an waved his hand in front of her face, “What are you thinking about?”
He was holding a cup of coffee, passing by Xu You’s workspace. Zhang Lili, sitting across from Xu You, looked up and said with a smile, “She’s been spacing out all morning.”
“That free? Have you finished your drafts?” Li Zheng’an asked.
Zhang Lili: “They’re with the chief editor for review, should be ready for the editorial department once approved.”
“Pretty efficient.”
“Thanks to Xu You.”
Hearing their casual chat, Xu You lowered her head and pulled open a drawer, taking out a strip of cold medicine. She popped two capsules and swallowed them with water from her glass.
Somehow, maybe from the air conditioning, she had caught a cold that only showed symptoms today.
She had woken up with a splitting headache this morning. You Lele had taken her temperature and found she had a low fever.
Li Zheng’an, leaning nearby, saw Xu You’s poor complexion and asked with concern, “You’ve caught a cold – want to go get an IV? Don’t push yourself if you’re not feeling well, ask the chief editor for half a day off.”
Xu You shook her head at his concern, not even bothering to look up.
Zhang Lili watched this scene and laughed, asking Li Zheng’an, “Since you’re so free, why don’t you help write some articles? We still have one about an impoverished college student to write.”
“Do I look like such an easy target?” Li Zheng’an joked about himself.
His meaning was clear.
Zhang Lili sighed internally, truly a case of unrequited love. What a pity it was another one-sided affection.
Actually, working with Xu You during this time, Zhang Lili discovered this girl had a different kind of emotional detachment. It wasn’t simply that she had no interest in men, but rather that she was completely unwilling to accept anyone else.
Xu You had gentle, attractive features, and there was no shortage of pursuers around her.
Take Li Zheng’an as an example. He had proper looks, a gentle personality, had worked in this field for many years with many connections, and was said to be from a wealthy family. When he first joined the news agency, Li Zheng’an had frequently shown interest in Xu You, but she never responded or accepted his advances.
It could have been a perfect match, a beautiful love story. But in the end, it didn’t work out.
At lunch in the cafeteria, Xu You just got a bowl of noodle soup, not having much appetite.
As she was using her spoon to drink the soup, someone suddenly sat down across from her. Xu You looked up to see a young girl.
This girl was called Fan Qi, from the same university as Xu You. But Fan Qi had joined the news agency right after graduating with her bachelor’s degree, so she was new to the industry and not in the same department – she was like a half junior to Xu You.
“Senior,” Fan Qi called out to her with a troubled face.
Xu You made a sound of acknowledgment, “Got scolded again?”
Judging by her expression, Xu You had guessed it.
Fan Qi stayed silent, confirming it. She took a few bites of food and said dejectedly, “I really regret becoming an editor.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Senior, I’m so tired, I want to quit.”
Once she started talking, Fan Qi began pouring out her grievances non-stop, “Every day I have to receive so many manuscripts, arrange layouts, plan headlines, help revise reporters’ article titles. You reporters don’t have to work fixed hours, you control your own time and come and go freely, but we can only start working after you submit your articles. We leave work later and later every day, yesterday I worked until midnight, and this morning I got scolded by the chief editor again. I really regret not taking the graduate entrance exam, studying was so much better than working.”
Listening to Fan Qi’s complaints, Xu You thought of her own internship days. She was probably similar to this young girl now – because it was so busy, breakfast was rushed, lunch was a bowl of fried rice or dumplings from street stalls. For a long period, instant noodles were the main dinner, just add hot water, two packs at once, and that was enough to feel full.
Xu You comforted her, “Everything is difficult at first, you have to persevere no matter what you do.”
“I’ve told you many things many times, you should remember them. The sun is harsh everywhere, people only see the glamorous side of any profession, but the darkness and hardships inside, no one knows about.”
She stopped there, making her point.
Standing by the venetian blinds in the office, looking through the layers of gaps at the bustling traffic below, Xu You’s mind wandered to Fan Qi’s earlier question.
“Why did you want to become a reporter in the first place?”
Why become a reporter?
This special profession.
Maybe it was an impulse, but this job really gave her many things she wanted.
Despite the many difficulties, she could find more joy in her work. Though running around all day, understanding society’s various conditions was tiring, that grasp on life’s attitudes and spiritual fulfillment were incomparable to other things.
The more she was involved, the more she admired some of the passionate old reporters. Xu You never regretted any of her decisions. In these two years as a reporter, she had seen much, heard much, and met many people, learning how to communicate with strangers.
Although often busy, doing in-depth reports on unknown stories, helping those who needed help and seeing the smiles on their faces were when she felt most accomplished and happiest.
—
A few days later, Xu You received a call – You Lele’s café’s Qixi First Love event had unexpectedly been very successful.
The final winners of the café’s Qixi theme prize were a young newlywed couple who were each other’s first loves.
After You Lele’s repeated emphasis, Xu You took a detour after work and parked next to the café.
When Xu You pushed open the door, making the purple wind chimes ring, You Lele was still sitting on the high stool, chatting happily with the newlywed couple.
As people get older, seeing the ups and downs of relationships around them, experiencing more waves of life, they become more detached from emotions. So they like hearing about these beautiful, lasting relationships.
You Lele pulled Xu You to sit down and told the young woman, “This is my friend, her experience is so similar to yours.”
“Really?”
You Lele nodded eagerly, “My friend was also a top student in high school, and her first love was similar to your husband’s type.”
Xu You froze.
The woman in front of her was petite, her face full of happiness as she nestled against her husband. She looked up at the man, “What a coincidence. Though my husband was quite troublesome in high school, he was the most mischievous boy in our class. Sometimes he would even bully me, and the teachers couldn’t control him.”
Hearing this, Xu You seemed to think of something and smiled slightly, “He was like that too.”
“Your first love?”
“Mm.”
“That’s such a coincidence, my husband was also my first love, but we broke up after high school graduation. He went to join the army and didn’t contact me at all, only came back last year after being discharged.” Though the woman was complaining, the happy smile on her face was still beautiful.
At this moment, the phone in her bag vibrated once, receiving a message from Xie Ci.
[Do you have time tonight?]
Xu You’s fingers paused.
The woman recalled the past, her eyes crinkling with tenderness, “I don’t know if he saved the galaxy in his past life or what, for such a good cabbage like me to be dug up by this pig.”
The man who had been silent glanced at his wife, “You’re the little pig.”
Xu You replied to the message and put away her phone, looking up to ask, “How long did you wait for him?”
“Wait for him?” The woman thought for a moment and said with a smile, “Actually, I didn’t deliberately wait for him. I just couldn’t fall in love with anyone else later, so I simply didn’t date.”
Xu You fell silent.
After saying this, the woman held her husband’s hand somewhat shyly and looked at Xu You, “I don’t know if you’ll have the same feeling as me, but actually after you’ve had one serious relationship and then break up, it’s usually very hard to like someone else again, and you don’t want to try to understand others anymore.”
Xu You’s heart shook upon hearing this.
“It’s like when you finish writing an essay, but the teacher says your handwriting is messy and tells you to tear it up and rewrite it. Even though you remember the beginning and content, you probably wouldn’t want to write it again, because one essay has already used up all your energy. When you’re just missing the ending but have to start over from the beginning, wouldn’t you feel really unwilling? I saw someone make this comparison online, so I remember it deeply, because I’m just that kind of stubborn person.”
When you’re just missing the ending but have to start over, wouldn’t you feel really unwilling?
Xie Ci drove to pick up Xu You, staying silent the whole way.
During a red light, he deliberately glanced at her through the rearview mirror. Xu You had lowered the window, the oncoming wind blowing her soft hair.
Xie Ci asked, “What do you want to eat?”
She probably didn’t hear. With the window open and wind rushing in her ears, Xie Ci deliberately slowed down and asked again, “Xu You, what do you want to eat tonight?”
This time his voice was a bit louder, and Xu You finally came back to her senses.
In the end they went for Japanese food. At the table, they made casual small talk about trivial daily matters, carefully avoiding the minefield of the past.
She wanted to drink, so Xie Ci accompanied her.
Later, Xu You seemed to get hungry and focused on eating, occasionally saying a few words. Most of what she said was proper and didn’t cross any lines.
It was already past eight when they finished dinner and walked out of the restaurant.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” Xie Ci asked her, “Should I drive you home?”
“Let’s walk for a bit,” Xu You said, then turned and walked in the opposite direction of where the car was parked.
The night wind was getting cool.
Xu You felt a bit dizzy, the alcohol she had drunk earlier hitting her hard now. She wore a floral Bohemian tank dress, her arms bare. On her feet were sandals, her toes clean without any nail polish.
They passed by a shopping mall with people streaming in and out.
“Xie Ci,” she suddenly called him.
“What?”
“After you left Linshi, did you ever go back?”
Her sudden question caught him off guard. Xie Ci was quiet for a while before saying, “Yes, I did.”
“Then why didn’t you look for me?” Xu You felt a bit tipsy. She stopped walking and looked at him.
Xie Ci only then noticed Xu You’s cheekbones were red, a sign she was drunk. He took the chance to look at her carefully again, asking cautiously, “Xu You, are you drunk?”
A pop band’s song started playing in the mall, the heavy beats seeming to pound directly on the heart.
The advertising sign overhead changed, showing a currently popular actress with her hand raised to her face, a diamond ring flashing on her ring finger.
“Xie Ci, are you really indifferent?” Xu You just stood there looking at him.
So this is what it feels like to bring up the past so openly in front of him.
Xie Ci couldn’t smile anymore.
Xu You’s eyes turned red, “Xie Ci, didn’t you say before that you would never break up with me even if you died?”
Never break up even if he died.
These words rang in Xie Ci’s ears, stirring up indescribable feelings. He knew he was too selfish, or too greedy.
At first when he saw her again, he thought if Xu You could forgive him and they could become friends who occasionally kept in touch, that would be enough. He knew his place and didn’t dare hope for more.
But now, Xie Ci’s heart was struggling again…
“You said it yourself, that you would never break up with me even if you died, but later you just left without a word.” She repeated, still choking up.
Without even saying anything more, he just disappeared from her life like that.
She must really be completely drunk, Xu You felt her tears couldn’t be held back anymore, no matter how hard she tried they kept flowing out.
Xie Ci was at a loss faced with this sudden questioning, “I’m sorry, my family had some issues then.”
After a long while, she finally found her voice again, “It was the same with that fight, and when you left without a word – can’t you just tell me directly when you have problems?”
Xie Ci fell into a brief silence, “Xu You, I was wrong back then, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry Xu You, it was all my fault,” he repeated once more.
“Then why are you looking for me again now?” she pressed.
“I hope you can give me another chance.” Xie Ci’s heart began to race.
She was drunk, her brain slow to react. After hearing these words, she had no reaction at all, just staying silent.
“Can you give me another chance?” Xie Ci said. Having not coaxed a woman for so many years, he was inexperienced and clumsy, left only with the purest instinct, “I won’t make you sad again.”
She stood with her back to him, arms wrapped around herself as if cold. Xie Ci couldn’t see her expression.
“When we first met, you forced me to do many things I didn’t like.”
Xu You kept her head down, starting to speak without preamble, as if talking to herself.
“I saw you fighting, you were fierce, so I was afraid of you and didn’t want to provoke you. I knew we were different, so I tried not to interact with you. But later, I remembered all your kindness too – you looking for me in the parking lot, accompanying me to visit my grandmother, running to deliver candy under my building. I thought you were silly, but lived so happily, completely opposite to me. You always liked to confidently do many things in front of me, but they all failed. When you tightened my water bottle, I pretended not to know. When you came back home with me, I also pretended not to know. When you secretly looked at me in class, took away my used pens and hid them, I pretended not to know all of it.”
The words that followed, even she hadn’t noticed, had already softened in tone.
Every little thing that happened in the past was remembered one by one, making her heart ache again.
She remembered once having dinner with You Lele, talking about their high school days. You Lele spoke about her guidance counselor, the mischievous boys in class, and the homeroom teacher who loved giving lectures during class. She laughed as she told the stories.
Xu You listened quietly.
“Xu You… I might be getting older now, I find myself reminiscing about the past more and more. I think high school life was really wonderful. Though we were tired every day, at that time everything we did felt worthwhile.” You Lele smiled and sighed.
“Mm.”
She said, “And the boys back then, though they were immature, they were pure too – when they liked someone, they would wholeheartedly be good to that person.”
“Though, young girls tend to like the bad boys more. I liked one too, but I don’t know how to describe that feeling. Being bad is a kind of temperament – without that style, it’s just being a scoundrel.”
And so, Xu You suddenly thought of her own seventeen or eighteen years.
A stuffy afternoon, lazy cicada sounds, a boy napping on his desk.
From the classroom next door, reading voices would occasionally drift over, the tree leaves outside more flourishing than the sunlight.
Back then, Xu You would eat dinner in the school cafeteria.
They hadn’t been split into different classes yet. Every time after she finished eating and walked back to the teaching building, he would have just finished playing basketball, heading upstairs with his friends. Xie Ci was always surrounded by an exceptionally lively crowd. The stairs were wide – Xu You would walk on the left side, they would walk on the right. Xie Ci would be holding a basketball, and while talking to others would somehow drift closer to her. He would glance at her from the corner of his eye, while she deliberately pretended not to see.
Occasionally, Xu You would deliberately take a few extra detours to avoid them before returning to the teaching building. Xie Ci would always be leaning on the corridor railing, golden sunset behind him, whistling at her with a mischievous grin. At times like these, the other boys standing in the corridor would join in the teasing laughter.
Xu You remembered his smiling face.
Eyebrows slightly raised, deep dimples at the corners of his lips. His pitch-black eyes were bright, childish yet charming.
“Later, I thought you might be a bit cute, even though you were always joking around and not being serious. But back then I always thought you were too immature. Now thinking back, I was young too and didn’t understand anything except studying. I wasn’t very good at expressing my feelings, so maybe that also made you doubt our relationship. You had your pride, and I had my dignity. You weren’t without resentment, and I wasn’t without sorrow.”
Xu You kept her head down, and he could see she seemed to be crying.
She remained silent, head bowed, tears still falling one by one.
Xie Ci stared at his own shoes wordlessly, feeling like his heart was being squeezed and crushed in someone’s hand.
She was a kind judge.
And he was being put through death by a thousand cuts.
“Your past – I don’t sympathize with it or pity it, because they were all your own choices. Whether you become glorious or fall from grace in the future, I wish you well. I respect all your choices, only…”
Xie Ci spoke with difficulty, “Xu You…”
“You always used what you thought was the right way to treat me, but none of it was what I wanted.”
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