Meng Tao Yu came back to school to visit Feng Ning several times. Even in university, she was unchanged from high school – bare-faced with a pure, innocent face.
On Saturday night, they chose a hotpot restaurant. The rich broth in the pot was boiling, and Feng Ning watched her little face turn red from the spice. She used the serving chopsticks to help Meng Tao Yu cook vegetables, meatballs, and meat.
“Ning Ning, why aren’t you eating?”
Feng Ning said: “I’m full, you eat. Don’t worry about me.”
Meng Tao Yu made a sound of surprise, “I barely saw you eat anything. Is your appetite that small now?”
Feng Ning’s face was pale, her complexion not good, her features much thinner. She took off her jacket, wearing a cyan sweater. Whether it was because the neckline was too big or not, her collarbones formed a hollow line, making her whole person seem thin and empty.
Following her intuition, Meng Tao Yu asked: “Ning Ning, are you not feeling well?”
“Hm?” She told a lie: “A bit, I’m on my period these days.”
“Oh, I see. I thought you were in a bad mood.”
As soon as she said it, she felt something was wrong. Meng Tao Yu vaguely knew about Feng Ning’s family situation. Afraid of touching on painful memories, she quickly changed the subject, “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You’re so capable, you’ll definitely get into a good university.”
Feng Ning put down her chopsticks and said lightly: “You little one, since when did I need your comfort?”
University breaks started earlier than high school. A few days later, Shuang Yao and Zhao Wei Chen came together. When they arrived, it was between classes, and Shuang Yao randomly stopped a girl heading to class to ask. That person actually had to think for a moment, “Feng Ning… do we have someone like that in our class?”
Shuang Yao was surprised: “Isn’t this Class 13?”
She suddenly realized: “Oh, you mean that repeating student.”
“Yes.”
After the girl went into class, Zhao Wei Chen was still puzzled, “Has Little Sister Ning changed so much, becoming so low-key? Almost a semester’s gone by and people in her class don’t even know her.”
Feng Ning took a class off to walk around campus with them. When leaving, Zhao Wei Chen gave Feng Ning a hug.
Shuang Yao squeezed her hand, “You still have us.”
Zhao Wei Chen: “Little Sister Ning, no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be my idol.”
Feng Ning smiled slightly.
No one could see the shackles beneath her smile.
The students in Class 13 of the senior year’s impression of Feng Ning was that she was cold and distant, spoke little, kept to herself, and didn’t like talking to others. No one connected this introverted ice beauty with the incredibly radiant girl from the opening ceremony.
The class teacher must have learned about Feng Ning’s situation from Iron Lady beforehand, knowing that before her break from school, she had maintained grades at the top of her year, hardworking and intelligent, so they were very considerate of her in all aspects. However, since Feng Ning had skipped sophomore year and went directly to senior year, she initially struggled greatly with keeping up with the learning progress, her grades staying outside the top hundred.
Under the heavy pressure of senior year, girls would still use break time to discuss various gossip.
Occasionally, Feng Ning could hear them mention Jiang Wen’s name.
His photo hung in the glass display case next to the honor board, forever frozen at seventeen. Wearing the blue and white school uniform, with black short hair and clear features, quietly meeting the gaze of everyone who stopped to look.
From opening her eyes in the morning, Feng Ning operated like a forcibly wound-up machine, numbly going through the motions. Until night came, when the rotating screws turned their final round. Lying in bed, her mind became very quiet, very blank. Closing her eyes, she felt herself sinking, sinking, until slowly disappearing from this world.
The winter break of senior year was, in Feng Ning’s memory, the coldest, slowest winter. Her whole being seemed to gradually sink into silence and freeze along with the season.
On the first day of the Lunar New Year, the Spring Festival atmosphere was thick. After sweeping Qi Lan’s tomb, Feng Ning didn’t want to go home, so she took a bus to South City’s busiest square.
Two six or seven-year-old children were fighting over toys. Feng Ning walked around the square twice, then sat down nearby. She listened to a street musician playing guitar, and after he finished several love songs, she threw a coin into his bowl.
Feng Ning stood at the bus stop, looking at each branching route and destination on the sign. She didn’t know where to go, had no destination.
The next bus that stopped was Route 425, the most frequent route in the city.
Feng Ning got on the bus, holding a candied haw stick, freeing one hand to reach for money in her pocket. The bus wasn’t very crowded, with scattered empty seats.
Walking back a few steps, for some reason, Feng Ning’s steps suddenly slowed.
The person sitting by the window simultaneously turned their gaze, eyes looking over unblinkingly.
Many years later, Feng Ning’s impression of Jiang Wen remained frozen at this moment.
It might have been just a few dozen seconds, but she remembered this scene, all of it, every detail.
The heater was on in the bus, and the windows were foggy. He sat alone in the second-to-last row. Melted snow had wet the ground beneath their feet, and shops outside were playing New Year’s songs. Jiang Wen’s hair had grown a bit longer, the ends fragmented, covering his eyebrows. He still wore that dark blue jacket.
Such a cold color.
Their gazes met, and she froze, her footsteps stopping. She opened her mouth, but her throat felt stuffed with cotton.
Any sound… she couldn’t make it come out.
Jiang Wen lowered his eyelashes.
Feng Ning ultimately said nothing, lowered her head, slowly turned around, and found a seat.
They sat one in front of the other on the same bus, separated by several rows, in silence.
The bus reached an intersection, the green light came on, it turned a corner, and reached the next stop. Soon, many people got on – adults holding children’s hands, crowds swaying, filling all the empty seats.
The aisle was full of standing passengers too.
Two stops later, Feng Ning stood up, made her way through the crowded people, and got off.
Her foot stepped on a manhole cover, making a soft sound.
Under the gray clouds, a wind blew up from somewhere, lifting the few strands of hair hanging at her waist.
Not long after, there was another sound behind her. Feng Ning kept walking forward along the vast street, not looking back.
After the New Year passed, one day in April, Feng Ning received a call from Zhao Bin Lin. He asked, “Feng Ning, are you… are you doing okay lately?”
The pen in her hand stopped, and she said, “I’m doing fine.”
“Oh, that’s good, that’s good.”
“How about Jiang Wen, how is he?”
“Jiang Wen…” Zhao Bin Lin hesitated, “He’s doing well too, just got offers from several Ivy League schools, has already withdrawn from school, and is preparing to go abroad.”
Hearing this news, Feng Ning was a bit stunned. She stayed frozen for a moment, but quickly recovered, “Is that so? So sudden.”
Zhao Bin Lin was somewhat surprised, “He didn’t tell you?”
“His phone number changed, we haven’t been in contact for a long time,” Feng Ning said frankly.
Zhao Bin Lin was stuck for words, then continued, “I thought he would at least say goodbye to you or something.”
Feng Ning froze.
A scene emerged in her heart.
She suddenly thought of that day. The first day of the Lunar New Year, when she met Jiang Wen on Bus 425.
She hadn’t asked, hadn’t looked back.
She didn’t know how long he had been sitting there before, or if he had gotten off after her.
Perhaps… that was his unspoken goodbye.
“Well, that’s all for now, I need to get back to studying.”
“Goodbye, keep working hard.”
“Alright.”
Feng Ning propped her chin on one hand, absently doodling on scratch paper. When she focused again, a rough sketch had already formed.
A drunk peacock.
After a moment, Feng Ning quietly filled in the details.
She wrote a line of English below.
—apologizing to my little prince
For some reason, tears suddenly fell. They fell on the paper, quickly spreading.
The final memory of senior year froze in this moment, stuck in this teardrop.
Shuang Yao was the first to know that Feng Ning was sick.
—She discovered a half-empty box of fluoxetine1 in the drawer while helping Feng Ning clean.
On the way to the hospital, Shuang Yao held her hand and said firmly: “Feng Ning, you can’t be unlucky forever, and things won’t get worse than they are now. Once you get through this, everything will be better. All your good luck is saved for the second half of your life.”
Life did indeed get better.
East Street was regulated for the second time, and many people were imprisoned. Meng Han Mo had gotten out early, bought several storefronts, and opened a barbecue restaurant and an auto repair shop.
Feng Ning performed reasonably well on the college entrance exam. After the results came out, Iron Lady helped her choose the most popular major at Beijing Foreign Studies University. In the first semester of sophomore year, Zhao Hui Yun helped Feng Ning make some small investments, and she finally cleared her outside debts, no longer needing to work day and night to earn money.
After starting university, Feng Ning changed her WeChat. Zhao Bin Lin also attended university in Beijing, and their schools were close. Occasionally he would come find her for a meal.
However, neither of them ever mentioned Jiang Wen.
One night in her junior year, just before sleep, Feng Ning received a call from an unknown number.
“Hello,” she said.
There was no sound from the other end.
Wrong number?
Feng Ning wasn’t prepared, looked at the number again, “Hello? Is anyone there?”
Still no response.
Her roommate was playing games below, looked back at her, “What’s wrong? Whose call is it?”
Feng Ning shook her head, saying softly: “I don’t know.”
The silence continued, but Feng Ning didn’t hang up, breathing suppressed.
Who knows how long it lasted, maybe two minutes, maybe ten minutes, before the other end hung up.
From beginning to end, no one said a word. She lay in bed, staring intently at the pattern on the bed curtain.
After a while, Feng Ning got out of bed, put on her shoes and went downstairs, went to the nearby supermarket to buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
Walking to the empty artificial lake, she chose an empty chair to sit down.
She had quit smoking for a long time.
When the nicotine entered her lungs through her airways, her head felt briefly dizzy.
It was very dark here, with distant lights floating. Feng Ning sat in the darkness, smoking one after another, from a full pack down to just a few left.
She held her phone up to her eyes, opened WeChat, found Zhao Bin Lin’s Moments, and went in.
He hadn’t set privacy settings, so Feng Ning casually scrolled back.
At the end of last month, he had posted a photo, location tagged as New Haven.
The phone screen emitted a faint light.
She paused, opened the photo, and enlarged it.
The sunlight in the photo was good, stopped on the grass. In front of the old Gothic clock tower, Jiang Wen was being hooked around the neck by Zhao Bin Lin. His hands were in his pockets, wearing Yale’s blue and white t-shirt, eyes looking carelessly at the camera.
The lighter made a click sound, producing a flickering small flame.
Feng Ning lit another cigarette.
Blue-green smoke dispersed before her eyes.
She opened her call log, looked at the strange number from earlier one more time, then deleted it.
Feng Ning stood up, threw the remaining cigarettes and lighter into the trash bin, and walked along the cobblestone path. She had come out in a hurry, without applying foundation.
On her arms, much thinner than before, scars were grotesquely visible.
This artificial lake was very small, just a few steps to return to the starting point.
But no matter how she walked, she could never return to the starting point she wanted.
Feng Ning suddenly thought, actually now isn’t bad.
Time had passed, she was tired.
But Jiang Wen would forever remember her proud appearance, and that was enough.
- An antidepressant used to treat depression, OCD, anxiety etc. ↩︎
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