ATLAS TRANSLATES

In the courtyard, Little Yellow barked twice when suddenly a voice called out: “Ningning, are you home?!”

It was Zhao Weichen’s mother’s voice.

Feng Ning quickly poked her head out the window, “I’m home!”

“I brought you some braised dishes, come down and open the door.”

“Ah, okay.”

Feng Ning responded.

She turned around to find Jiang Wen buttoning up his shirt. He picked up the watch from the bedside table and put it on, his expression calm, “I’ll go down with you.”

…

…

The door opened to reveal a handsome young stranger, tall with long legs, standing there.

Mrs. Zhao hesitated, confusion appearing on her face. Then she saw Feng Ning’s head peek out from the side, “Auntie Cai.”

Jiang Wen politely extended his hand, smiling, “Let me take those.”

After being called twice, Mrs. Zhao finally snapped out of it, “This, this is?”

Feng Ning was still choosing her words.

Jiang Wen took the initiative to introduce himself, “Hello auntie, I’m Feng Ning’s boyfriend.”

With his chiseled features, handsome face, and those slightly upturned eyes, he was universally appealing to women of any age.

“Boyfriend…”

Mrs. Zhao chewed on the meaning of this word, paused for two seconds, and silently looked at Feng Ning.

Feng Ning looked back at her.

Mrs. Zhao glanced at Jiang Wen again, “Good, good good, I won’t disturb you two then.”

After seeing her out of the courtyard, Feng Ning leaned against the doorframe, drained.

Jiang Wen held the basin of braised food, looking at her in confusion, “What’s with that expression?”

Feng Ning sighed, “Ah, if Auntie Cai knows, it means everyone in Yujiang Lane will know.”

Jiang Wen was quiet for a moment, “I don’t think I’m that embarrassing to be seen with.”

His tone suggested he saw nothing wrong with it.

“It’s not about being embarrassing.” Feng Ning leaned in to smell the braised food, “It’s just… meeting the parents is always troublesome.”

“What’s troublesome about it?” Jiang Wen said casually, “Are you planning to sleep with me without taking responsibility?”

Feng Ning’s eyes widened, “Your face has gotten quite thick overnight.”

Jiang Wen neither agreed nor disagreed.

After putting the braised food in the kitchen, Jiang Wen’s phone rang. He took it out, looked at the caller, and hung up.

After a while, it started ringing again.

Feng Ning glanced at him: “Why aren’t you answering?”

Jiang Wen replied indifferently: “Spam calls.”

Just as he finished speaking, Feng Ning’s phone also started ringing. She looked – it was Zhao Binlin.

As soon as she picked up, the other end shouted: “Where’s that dog Jiang Wen, is he with you?”

Feng Ning looked at Jiang Wen, “He’s with me, what’s wrong?”

Zhao Binlin was very angry: “What does he mean by not answering my calls?”

Feng Ning handed the phone to Jiang Wen.

While they talked, she walked aside and put the braised food in the freezer. By the time she finished tidying up, Jiang Wen had hung up.

Feng Ning took back her phone and casually asked, “What did Zhao Binlin want?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why didn’t you answer his calls?”

Jiang Wen: “He’s harassing me.”

“……”

A few minutes later, another call came. It was from Jiang Wen’s family.

Feng Ning laughed, “You’re really busy, these calls just won’t stop on New Year’s Day.”

Jiang Wen glanced at her.

While he was on the phone, Double Yao came over, calling her to make dumplings.

She had clearly come over after hearing the gossip.

— Feng Ning bringing a boyfriend home to stay overnight was explosive news in Yujiang Lane.

Shuang Yao smiled like a cat who got the cream, bumping Feng Ning’s shoulder, casually guessing, “Hey, did you two last night…?”

Feng Ning’s mouth twitched, “Shuang Yao, tone down that lecherous expression, act normal.”

Jiang Wen finished his call and came over. Feng Ning stopped pushing Shuang Yao around.

Shuang Yao straightened her clothes: “Fine, I’ll go ahead.”

Feng Ning leaned against the wall, smile lingering: “What’s wrong?”

“My grandfather wants me to go home for a bit.”

Feng Ning nodded, “You’re quite busy on New Year’s Day.”

“You… want to come with me?”

Feng Ning was a bit dazed, made a sound, “Go with you to meet the family?”

Jiang Wen’s breath hitched, seeming a bit nervous, “Mm.”

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Feng Ning turned her head, avoiding his gaze, appearing deep in thought, “This… isn’t it a bit early? Let’s wait until we’re more stable?”

Jiang Wen originally had something to say, but after being quiet for a while, he still didn’t say it. Finally, he said: “Okay, I’ll come find you after dinner.”

“You seem a bit distracted.” Double Yao finished rolling out the dumpling wrappers and leaned against the counter.

Feng Ning kneaded the dough, “Thinking about things.”

Outside was full of cheerful voices.

Zhao Weichen had brought his girlfriend home for New Year’s this year, and they were making rounds visiting households in Yujiang Lane. Fortunately, Feng Ning had escaped being questioned by all the elders about Jiang Wen.

Shuang Yao saw her obvious bad mood and found it strange, “What’s with that worried expression?”

Feng Ning brushed it off: “Didn’t sleep well last night, a bit tired.”

She stared blankly at the cutting board, her body aching and weak, working half-heartedly.

In the evening, during dinner, Feng Ning couldn’t escape the questioning.

Including the children, there were probably over ten people. Double Yao’s mom suddenly asked: “Xiao Ning, I heard from Weichen’s mom that she saw your boyfriend this morning?”

At these words, everyone looked at Feng Ning.

Feng Ning paused for two seconds, saying her prepared lines, “Yes, he’s my boyfriend, but we haven’t been dating long. We were planning to bring him to meet everyone after a while.”

Auntie jumped in: “I heard the young man is very handsome, like a TV star!”

The table burst into discussion, with Shuang Yao’s mom asking what she cared about most: “How’s his family situation? What about his character? If those are both good, at your age, it’s time to settle down.”

“His family is very well-off, and his character is good too. He was my high school classmate,” Feng Ning answered one by one, “But we just started dating, we don’t know what will happen in the future.”

After a brief silence, Shuang Yao’s mom nodded, “His family is well-off?”

Shuang Yao proudly showed off: “Very well-off, super rich. Our Ning scored big!”

Shuang Yao’s father offered his opinion: “Too rich isn’t good either. When men have money, they can’t control themselves.”

As the table discussed, Shuang Yao shouted: “Enough, enough, you didn’t care this much when I brought my boyfriend home!”

Feng Ning continued eating, smiling as she ate, with the elders’ chatter in her ears and warmth in her heart.

…

…

After dinner, Shuang Yao suddenly remembered something: “Oh right, Ningning, I left something at your place.”

“What thing?”

During dinner, Feng Ning had drunk some alcohol with Shuang Yao’s father, and her face was still a bit red.

“My bracelet.”

“Haven’t seen it, I’ll help you look for it later.”

The two walked around the neighborhood, and on the way home, Shuang Yao suddenly spoke up, her tone somewhat uncertain, “Ningning, why do you always give me a feeling…”

“What?”

“I don’t know how to say it.” Shuang Yao gathered her thoughts, “You and Jiang Wen, what are you really planning? Can you be honest?”

“Didn’t we discuss this before? Why bring it up again?”

Shuang Yao clicked her tongue, “I know, but haven’t things changed qualitatively between you two? Don’t you have any different feelings?”

“….Different feelings.” Feng Ning pretended to think for a moment, then said seriously, “He’s pretty good in bed, I probably won’t have any regrets in this life.”

Shuang Yao exclaimed and laughed, scolding, “Can you be any more vulgar? I mean, don’t you feel like your whole being belongs to him?”

“…….”

Feng Ning made a disgusted sound: “It’s just sex, why are you so old-fashioned? What’s this about ‘whole being belongs to,’ isn’t that nauseating?”

Reaching the courtyard gate, Feng Ning stopped and took out her keys to open the door. Shuang Yao was still chattering: “Love nowadays is too superficial. Being truly and sincerely loved by someone for so long, how fortunate! You should really cherish Jiang Wen.”

“Enough.” Feng Ning interrupted her, “To be honest, how much did Jiang Wen pay you? I’ll double it.”

“No, I’m being serious. I feel like you’re still avoiding things with him.” Shuang Yao didn’t understand, “Even after all this, why do you keep running away?”

They went upstairs one after another, and Feng Ning replied casually: “Don’t know, I feel a lot of pressure. You look for your bracelet first, I’m going to rinse my mouth.”

Walking into the room, her first step was to open the window for fresh air.

Whether it was psychological or not, she felt like the air still held traces of last night’s scent…

After sending Shuang Yao away, Feng Ning went into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror for a while, grabbed the cup beside her, took a mouthful of water, tilted her head back, and gargled.

After rinsing her mouth and washing her face carefully, she pushed open the door, shaking water droplets from her hands, and saw Shuang Yao standing motionless by the bay window, her expression somewhat confused.

Feng Ning realized something and quickly walked over.

Shuang Yao held a strip of medicine in her hand.

It was what she had carelessly left on the table after taking it in the afternoon, forgetting to put it away.

Turning around to see Feng Ning’s composed expression. Though she said nothing, Shuang Yao suddenly had a strange feeling.

A thought suddenly flashed through her mind, and though it was hard to believe, she blurted out, “Ningning, have you… relapsed?”

Feng Ning’s expression didn’t change.

“What’s really going on, don’t… don’t lie to me.”

Feng Ning patted her arm and took back the medicine, “It’s fine, it’s not the end of the world, why make that face?”

“No, Ningning, I’m scared.” Shuang Yao’s throat tightened, “I’m really scared.”

Uncontrollably, she thought back to that summer. After high school graduation, that summer when Feng Ning’s condition was at its worst.

At that time, Shuang Yao had accompanied Feng Ning to the hospital several times.

Just when she thought everything was starting to get better, one day, she opened Feng Ning’s door.

She was sitting on the floor, her arms covered in shocking bloody scratches.

Shuang Yao didn’t know what happened, stood frozen for a long time, then went to hug her and cry, “Feng Ning, I’m begging you, seeing you like this makes me feel terrible, really terrible, please don’t do this anymore, okay?”

…

Feng Ning hesitated slightly, her voice carrying a hint of comfort, “It’s okay, I’m taking medicine, I can regulate myself.”

Shuang Yao stared at her blankly: “So, if I hadn’t found out, you were planning to hide it like this?”

“Wasn’t planning to, just taking it one step at a time.”

“What about Jiang Wen, did you tell him?”

Feng Ning put away the medicine, “How could he know?”

“Why?”

Feng Ning: “I never told him… about this illness.”

When she didn’t hear Shuang Yao respond for a long time, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Never told him… really?”

From Shuang Yao’s tone, Feng Ning frowned, sensing something was wrong. She had a bad feeling. She asked, “What do you mean?”

Shuang Yao confirmed again, “You’re saying that Jiang Wen has no idea about your depression, from beginning to end?”

“Right.”

“Impossible, absolutely impossible.” Shuang Yao’s tone was very firm, “He even asked me how long you’ve had this illness, he couldn’t not know.”

“He asked you how long I’ve had this illness?!” Feng Ning’s voice rose uncontrollably, “When did Jiang Wen come to you?”

“Two days after Christmas, he specifically flew to Nancheng.”

Feng Ning’s heart sank as she quickly connected that night’s mysterious late call from Jiang Wen, and his suddenly changed attitude toward her afterward.

After Shuang Yao left, Feng Ning sat alone on the bed.

Her mind was full of all the details of her interactions with Jiang Wen during this time.

The scars she deliberately hid from his eyes, and her efforts to appear as lively and cheerful as before.

At ** o’clock at night, Jiang Wen came to find Feng Ning.

Answering the phone, she took a minute to compose herself, speaking to him as usual: “Don’t come up yet.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Let’s go for a walk, I’ve been cooped up at home all day without moving.”

Jiang Wen was quiet for a few seconds on the phone, “Are you sure you can still walk?”

Feng Ning didn’t understand his meaning at first, “Why wouldn’t I be able to walk?”

“I underestimated you,” he said righteously.

Feng Ning laughed, “The usual place, wait for me ten minutes.”

…

…

At the bus stop, Jiang Wen sat on the long bench, watching Feng Ning approach.

She walked step by step, not very quickly. From darkness into light, until she stood before him.

Jiang Wen stood up.

Face to face, one tall and one short, they just looked at each other without saying anything.

Suddenly, Feng Ning leaned slightly closer to Jiang Wen, tightly hugging his waist, as if trying to absorb his warmth through his clothes.

Jiang Wen felt something was strange, but unconsciously relaxed his body, enjoying Feng Ning’s unusually heightened affection.

The corner of his mouth showed a slight smile, “What’s wrong with you?”

Feng Ning softened her tone: “Nothing, just really missed you after not seeing you for a few hours.”

Suddenly, as if triggered by something, Jiang Wen put his hands on Feng Ning’s shoulders, wanting to push her back a little to see her current expression.

But Feng Ning remained silent, her arms tightening further.

Jiang Wen somehow sensed her tense emotions, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Feng Ning let go of him.

They held hands, walking aimlessly through the streets of Nancheng.

“Today I…”

Jiang Wen suddenly spoke up, and Feng Ning looked up at him.

He hesitated, unusually tongue-tied, “Today I showed your photo to my grandfather.”

She was a bit caught off guard, taking a moment before saying: “Oh…”

“He said you’re beautiful.” Jiang Wen’s lips curved slightly upward as he said, “He wants me to bring you to meet him when there’s time.”

“……”

The surroundings were unnaturally quiet, and Feng Ning didn’t make a sound. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

The smile gradually disappeared from Jiang Wen’s lips, “You… don’t want to go?”

“I might… not be ready yet.”

“What do you need to be ready for?”

Feng Ning turned to look at him, asking in an even tone: “You know I have depression, right?”

Her tone carried little question.

Jiang Wen was completely unprepared, caught off guard.

After a long silence, he finally said: “I’m sorry.”

Feng Ning pretended to be calm, smiling as she asked: “What are you saying sorry for?”

The night wind had picked up, but neither of them felt the cold.

Jiang Wen grabbed her hand, using a bit of force to pull her close.

Gazing at her, he thought of his cowardice back then.

Because of his cowardly avoidance, he had left her to struggle alone in the abyss of pain.

Jiang Wen both hated himself and hated the large blank space time had left between them.

“I’m sorry for breaking up with you back then when I didn’t know anything.”

Seeing his clearly guilty expression, Feng Ning had words on the tip of her tongue, tried several times to speak, but didn’t know where to begin.

Suddenly, a suspicion in her heart seemed to be confirmed. She wanted to ask more clearly if he had decided to get back together with her out of pity. But she was afraid that once she got the answer, they would be finished.

Before this, Feng Ning hadn’t thought she could walk very far with Jiang Wen. Regarding her depression, she had originally planned to hide it until she couldn’t hide it anymore before telling him.

Shuang Yao kept asking why she wouldn’t think about a future with Jiang Wen.

It wasn’t that Feng Ning didn’t want to think about it – she just didn’t dare to, didn’t want to.

If one day, Jiang Wen was dragged into her darkness, sinking deep with no way out… Just thinking about this scene made Feng Ning’s chest ache.

“Actually, I’ve never been quite normal, including now.”

As she spoke, Feng Ning unconsciously stepped back, “I’m not even a normal person anymore.”

In his urgency, Jiang Wen pulled her over and pressed her against his chest, his voice carrying unusual anxiety: “Don’t be like this.”

“You should reconsider our relationship.”

“I…”

He had only said one word when Feng Ning hurriedly interrupted him, “Although I don’t mind if you pity me, I’ll give you two days. Go properly research depression on Baidu.”

“For me, dying isn’t a difficult thing – living is.”

“Jiang Wen, I’m a person with no future. Think it through carefully.”

—

Until dawn, Feng Ning leaned against her headboard, thinking about what had just happened.

Jiang Wen had sent her home, and neither had spoken the whole way. At the door, she quietly looked at him, “I’m going in.”

Jiang Wen nodded.

Though she had been mentally preparing herself all along, after completely clearing things up with him, Feng Ning’s heart still felt blocked, not feeling the relief she had imagined.

She thought somewhat self-mockingly that this kind of self-sacrifice, always thinking of others first – she would probably only do it once in this lifetime.

In the deep of night, everything gradually quieted down until there was no sound at all.

When she received the message, it was nearly four AM. Her phone suddenly dinged twice, the sound seeming especially loud.

He sent it through WeChat.

-61nfiawj: [Are you asleep?]

Feng Ning was momentarily stunned, hadn’t had time to reply when another message came.

-61nfiawj: [When you wake up and see this message, come down and open the door for me. I’ll wait for you.]

Not even bothering to change her coat, Feng Ning put on slippers and went straight down. Opening the outer courtyard door, the small yellow light bulb above lit up in response.

Jiang Wen sat on a nearby container, turned his head to look at her, his expression calm but haggard, his lips somewhat chapped.

Seeing her daze, Jiang Wen stood up.

Walking over, seeing she only wore thin pajamas, Jiang Wen took off his coat and threw it into her arms, “Put the coat on first.”

“Why… did you come at this hour?”

“Didn’t you tell me to think about it?”

“I gave you two days, it’s only been a few hours, and you’ve already thought it through?”

Jiang Wen took something out of his pocket, “I only needed a minute to give you my answer. I just needed some time to go back and get something.”

Looking at the diamond ring glinting in the night.

Feng Ning hadn’t reacted, still standing there.

“What are you doing?”

Jiang Wen said quietly: “I originally didn’t want to be so casual, proposing to you without preparing anything. But you make me feel like you might disappear at any moment, and this seems to be my only option.”

Completely unprepared for things to develop this way, Feng Ning opened and closed her mouth, a bit at a loss, unable to say a word.

It would be a lie to say she wasn’t nervous.

Jiang Wen: “Yesterday you told me a lot. I’m not good at talking in front of you to begin with. I’ve never been as eloquent as you, so I needed to think carefully about how to say what comes next.”

“Even if you’re sick, I’ve never pitied you. Maybe,” Jiang Wen paused, “the one who needs pity has always been me.”

Feng Ning almost held her breath, listening to his every word.

Jiang Wen pulled up something on his phone and handed it to her.

“This is an email I wanted to send you long ago, but it only stayed in my drafts.”

Feng Ning’s chest tightened.

His tone was faint, “If you want to reject me, at least read this first before rejecting me.”

…

…

Feng Ning, I can’t sleep.

I don’t know how many more nights like this I’ll have, where I have to exhaust myself completely before I can sleep.

After returning to school there are many classes, several teachers talking non-stop at the podium. Every word floats around outside my ears, I can barely take in a few sentences. Every day I have to deal with all kinds of people, feeling like I’m always busy, sometimes not even having time to eat, yet I inexplicably keep thinking of you.

In some ways, this is okay. I’ve become a bit lazy, too lazy to read notices, seeing friends’ messages and taking hours, even overnight or a whole day to reply.

A while ago, I don’t know if it was an illusion, but I saw a girl who looked very much like you. These days, I stand at the classroom door waiting for her to come out, then wait again at the stairwell. Friends asked if I wanted her contact information, I said no, I just want to look.

When I think of you now, it’s like a dream. So very, very blurry, so blurry that I feel those scattered pieces I remember about you didn’t even happen to me.

Before, Feng Ning rarely chatted with him.

Whenever he received her message, Jiang Wen would immediately stop whatever he was doing. Taking his phone, carefully crafting a reply to her, then staring at the screen, waiting for her response.

Sometimes it was at night, with a full day of classes the next day, if he couldn’t get her reply, he still didn’t want to sleep. He really didn’t want to close his eyes, but couldn’t fight the drowsiness.

After breaking up, I thought about getting back together with you. Thought about just being ordinary friends, which would be better than having no contact now. But it’s a bit embarrassing to say, so I can only think about it. Don’t know who I could tell, others might think I’m crazy, thinking about these things every day.

…

…

I’m about to go abroad

Feng Ning, in my first year of high school I was also a very proud person.

But now I really want to beg you.

…

…

At this point, she couldn’t read anymore.

Her heart ached dully.

Head lowered, she couldn’t recover for a long time.

Jiang Wen didn’t care anymore, “Before coming back to China, I held on by thinking ‘you don’t care about me at all,’ held on without looking for you. Later I couldn’t hold on anymore. On the flight back, I thought, it doesn’t matter whether you care about me or not, I won’t calculate gains and losses anymore. If you got married, I would give up completely, but you didn’t.”

“Maybe pushing you will make you go further away. But now I don’t want to care about what kind of interaction would get me more. If you still can’t accept me, I can only accept that. But, you missed out on me, and in the future, no other man will do such stupid things for you.”

Tears in her eyes, Feng Ning said, “What are you doing, saying such a long speech, are you threatening me?”

“I’m not threatening you, I’m… begging you.”

“Begging me for what?”

“Begging you.” Jiang Wen paused, “To add me to your household registration book.”