Chapter 31: Following Your Heart
At the internet cafe, Xu Si and Yang Shikun were playing games on two computers. Yang Shikun noticed Xu Si’s constantly lighting up phone and asked, “Brother Si, your phone… are you sure you don’t need to check it?”
Xu Si glanced at it and flipped it over: “Mm.”
The internet cafe was filled with shouts of “Go, go!” and gaming addicts who had been up for several nights, slurping instant noodles while frantically hitting their keyboards. That year, Honor of Kings mobile game had come out and swept across the country. Yang Shikun was a complete gaming addict himself. Looking at the huge “DEFEAT” on his screen, he sighed.
He glanced at Xu Si, who was seriously playing Tetris, thinking Brother Si seemed different from others – like a breath of fresh air in the internet cafe.
“Brother Si, let’s play Honor of Kings1 together.” Xu Si responded with an “Mm.” Yang Shikun happily hit his mouse when he saw “VICTORY” on his screen: “Finally won a game.”
Xu Si checked his phone: “Going out to take a call.”
“Are you ever going to stop?” The young man stood at the internet cafe entrance, radiating negative energy.
“I told you to come home.” “Not coming.” After saying this, Xu Si laughed lightly: “Aren’t you two doing fine now? Why do you want me to come back?” “I’ve said it was my fault back then – I wasn’t capable enough to keep your mother. It wasn’t your mother’s fault.” “Tch.” Xu Si found his words ridiculous. “You got into another fight today?” “What’s it to you?” Xu Si hung up.
For ten years, he’d barely asked a single question, never shown a smile, and now he was asking about this? Xu Si found it absurdly laughable.
After pulling an all-nighter with Yang Shikun, Xu Si looked at his tired friend: “You should go home.” “What about you, Brother Si?” Xu Si, still looking alert, said: “I’m going to buy something.” “You’re not going home, Brother Si?” Yang Shikun’s drowsiness halved, asking confusedly. He didn’t know much about Xu Si’s family situation, only that Xu Si had a father who rarely came home.
Xu Si made an affirming sound and hailed a cab: “You go on.” Yang Shikun wanted to say more but met Xu Si’s gaze. Licking his lips, he said: “Brother Si, call me anytime if you need anything.” Before leaving, he asked one more question: “Brother Si, want to stay at my place?” “No need, I have somewhere to stay.” “Alright then, remember to give me your new address.”
[…]
Xu Si pushed open the door, seemingly able to see his grandmother sitting in the rocking chair holding him – a white-haired old lady in flowery clothes holding a loudly crying child. The events from when he was seven still felt vivid.
“Our little Si is so lovable. She had no eye for quality – if she doesn’t want you, grandma wants you.” “My precious, why are you crying like a little cat?” “Little Si, look what grandma made – your favorite chicken legs!” “Eat more, grow tall, grow taller than grandma.” “Our little Si hates pain the most. Oh dear, how did you scrape your leg so badly? Let grandma blow on it – it won’t hurt after grandma blows on it.” “Sit still, grandma’s getting the first aid kit. We’ll disinfect it so it heals faster.”
Later, when Xu Si got into the city’s best middle school, Xu Hengyu sneered at it. Only Li Shimin, wearing reading glasses, read the acceptance letter over and over, voice full of pride: “My little Si is amazing, got into the city’s best middle school.”
The room still had the 2010 Year of the Tiger poster. Back then, Li Shimin had laughingly hung it crookedly in the most obvious spot: “Our little Si is twelve now, it’s your zodiac year. Look, grandma bought this poster specially – isn’t it nice?”
“Only twelve and already so much taller than grandma, and so handsome too. When you grow up, you’ll have all the girls falling for you.” “Our little Si needs to wear red clothes for his zodiac year. Look what grandma bought you.”
Back then, Xu Si complained about the red socks Li Shimin bought but still wore them to school. Every time Xu Si did well on tests, Li Shimin would cook a huge table of dishes. She’d tell her friends: “My little Si is going to attend Tsinghua or Peking University in the future.”
Shortly after Xu Si’s zodiac year, Li Shimin became seriously ill. Even then, Xu Hengyu didn’t return from out of town. Xu Si sat alone outside for a whole night. He watched the doctors come out of the operating room and shake their heads at him.
Xu Hengyu only rushed back then. Xu Si hated him – hated how he cared about nothing except Shen Yuchun. Hated how grandma had mentioned “little Yu” so many times before him, but never saw him once, leaving with regret.
Xu Si slept alone holding the urn for a night – the only person who loved him was gone. He never returned here afterward; this place was full of memories. He locked the door and hid the key, not allowing Xu Hengyu to return or touch anything in this home. He didn’t deserve to.
Looking at the kindly smiling old woman in the photo, Xu Si lit three incense sticks and bowed: “Grandma, she’s back. Grandma must know who I’m talking about, right? I don’t want to forgive her, even after so many years, I don’t want to forgive her.”
“Grandma said to follow your heart to be happy. Though I don’t know if what I’m doing now is right, I only know that right now, I don’t want to forgive her.”
Xu Si pushed open Li Shimin’s room and found his elementary school drawings still posted on the wall, now yellowed. The photo showed an old person and a child, both smiling happily. Above it was written: “My Most Important Person.”
He still remembered how happy she was when he gave her that drawing. He never imagined his childhood drawings would be treasured for so many years.
The wall was covered with his awards from growing up: Most Improved Award, First in Chinese, First in Math, First in English… all neatly arranged on the wall, now yellowed.
His toys – slingshot, roller skates, water gun, marbles, and many other small items – were all packed in a box. Even his used scratch paper was neatly arranged in the bookcase.
With his third-grade math competition prize money, he bought Li Shimin a scarf. Though the quality wasn’t good and the color wasn’t particularly nice, she wore it for many years, telling everyone her grandson bought it.
The paper cranes hanging in the window were ones he and Li Shimin had folded together.
Xu Si then opened his own room. The desk and bed were still covered with dust covers – Li Shimin knew he liked cleanliness and didn’t want dust in the room.
He put the dust covers in the cabinet, drew the curtains, and changed to new bedding and sheets. Xu Si took out the medicinal wine from his bag but wasn’t sure how to apply it. It took him a long time to finally get it right.
Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, he soon fell asleep.
- A very popular 5v5 multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA) in China. Think League of Legends for the mobile phone, or Mobile Legends. ↩︎
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