Sheng Huan and Chen Yi’s relationship became a thorn that Ruan Mian couldn’t remove from her heart.
Even though she learned from Meng Xinglan the very next day that Sheng Huan and Chen Yi’s relationship was still stuck at the level of friends, even though everyone felt that Chen Yi probably didn’t like Sheng Huan, despite all this, Ruan Mian still couldn’t control her own wild thoughts.
The present doesn’t represent the future. Chen Yi may not like Sheng Huan now, but eventually there would be someone else, someone more suitable for him.
Just like in the movie Chungking Express1, when Cop 663 asks the blonde assassin if she likes pineapples, and she replies that people change. He may like pineapples today but could like something else tomorrow.
Even if he doesn’t like her today, there’s always tomorrow. Every day after could bring new likes, but no matter what he likes, it won’t have anything to do with her.
Whenever Ruan Mian thought of this, a nameless sourness and sadness would well up in her heart. As a result, summer vacation, which she usually looked back on fondly, became exceptionally difficult to endure.
At the end of July, the competition class started make-up classes. Class times were adjusted from self-study on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays evenings and Saturday mornings during last semester to every Monday through Friday from 6 to 9:30pm. The classroom was also changed from the multimedia room to the senior year classrooms.
Ruan Mian and Chen Yi bumping into each other was inevitable. She had thought to replace indifference with distance, but usually just one casual glance from him was enough to undo all her efforts.
There was a mini exam organized for the class that Friday. Ruan Mian hadn’t had much appetite these days due to the hot weather. Not eating properly during the day had upset her stomach.
Before the exam started, Ruan Mian already felt a bit unwell. Yu Tian helped her get a cup of hot water which she drank a couple sips of before screwing the cap back on and holding it against her stomach.
The warmth seeped through her clothes, alleviating some of the stabbing pain.
In the summer heat, evening temperatures remained high. The classroom air conditioner was on and fans were blowing, sending cold drafts everywhere.
Ruan Mian was only wearing a thin short sleeve shirt. Halfway through the exam, the exposed parts of her arms were covered in goosebumps from the cold and pain.
Seeing she looked unwell, the proctor Teacher Luo quickly came over and asked softly, “What’s wrong, not feeling well?”
Not wanting to draw too much attention, Ruan Mian just said, “I’m fine Teacher, just a bit cold.”
“I see.”
Teacher Luo straightened up. She had originally thought to ask Chen Yi sitting nearby to turn off the fan but was worried about disturbing the students’ train of thought. After thinking for a moment, she went over to switch it off herself.
With a slow creaking sound, the old fan ground to a halt.
Teacher Luo walked down the aisle between the two rows of seats after turning off the fan. Chen Yi, who had paused to gather his thoughts, glanced up without much reaction.
It was just a casual mini exam so it was only an hour and a half long. When it ended, Chen Yi as class monitor helped the teacher collect papers, starting from the front row.
When he got to Ruan Mian, she had her head down on the desk. Yu Tian had helped hand in her paper for her. Chen Yi glanced at it before passing it back. “You didn’t write your name.”
Ruan Mian wasn’t sleeping. Hearing his voice, she raised her head again and filled in her name.
Chen Yi continued collecting papers towards the back. Ruan Mian laid her head down again on the desk. Whether from discomfort or something else, she felt strangely sad.
She didn’t know how much time had passed. Just as Ruan Mian was drifting off to sleep in her dazed state, a jacket was suddenly draped over her head. It carried a familiar scent and warmth.
The icy zipper brushed her cheek. Ruan Mian was instantly alert as she grabbed the jacket and looked up to see the retreating figure up ahead.
Thinking she didn’t know who had given her the jacket, Yu Tian mentioned offhandedly, “That’s Chen Yi’s jacket.”
Ruan Mian gave a soft “Mm”.
While packing up her things, Yu Tian remarked, “Didn’t expect he looks so cold on the outside but is pretty nice to the class.”
He was.
He was so nice, yet it just made Ruan Mian feel even more miserable.
This was merely an unintended bit of kindness that slipped through his fingers, yet it was already enough for her to discard all previous unhappiness and dive right back into this secret crush known to no one.
This was so unfair.
But feelings could never be measured by the word ‘fair’. It was simply that the one who developed feelings first would always be closer to utter defeat in love from ancient times till now.
Sunk deeply with no way out, Ruan Mian was destined to be the loser in this one-sided crush.
After school that day, Ruan Mian had planned to return Chen Yi’s jacket to him, but he had already left the classroom with other students. She could only bring it home with her.
That night after her shower, Ruan Mian was sitting at her desk drying her hair when Fang Ruqing knocked and came in to deliver clothes. She just happened to see the black jacket on Ruan Mian’s bed.
The oversized jacket was obviously not a girl’s.
Fang Ruqing reached out and picked it up. Seeing her actions, Ruan Mian’s heart thudded. Although there was nothing wrong, she still felt a bit guilty and took the initiative to explain, “That’s my classmate’s clothing. My stomach felt a bit off tonight and I forgot a jacket, so I borrowed one from them.”
Compared to the jacket, Fang Ruqing was of course more concerned about her daughter’s health. Setting aside her idle thoughts, she asked, “Your stomach’s not well? Is it better now?”
“Much better already, probably just caught a chill.”
Fang Ruqing still couldn’t help but scold her, “This is definitely because you haven’t been eating properly these days. Starting tomorrow morning, I’ll call you to come eat breakfast.”
Ruan Mian smiled with a sigh. “Alright.”
Fang Ruqing was still holding the jacket. “I’ll help you bring this downstairs to wash thoroughly. You can return it to your classmate next Monday?”
Ruan Mian raised her towel and dried her hair a couple more times. Her expression was natural. “Okay, thanks Mom.”
Just as she was leaving, Fang Ruqing didn’t forget to remind, “Remember to blow dry your hair before sleeping.”
“I know.”
The room quickly quieted down again. Across from Ruan Mian’s bedroom was Pingjiang Mansion. In the darkness of night, the lit street lamps in the distance were like daylight.
On many previous sleepless nights, she had sat here like this, counting those lights one by one from left to right, again and again until nearly dawn.
The next morning, probably considering Ruan Mian’s rest, Fang Ruqing specially pushed back breakfast time by half an hour, only calling Ruan Mian to get up at almost 8.
Duan Ying had brought Zhao Shuyang back to her hometown this summer break. After one calm discussion with Fang Ruqing, Zhao Yingwei still chose to resign from the failing foreign trade company and go into business with a friend instead, spending the whole break surveying the market in cities down south.
Zhao Shutang had enrolled in tutoring classes and left home before 7:30 each morning. At breakfast, it was just Ruan Mian and Fang Ruqing at the table.
After eating her fill, Ruan Mian set down her chopsticks and wiped her mouth, casually asking, “When is Uncle Zhao coming back?”
“Still a while, probably not until Mid-Autumn Festival2.”
Fang Ruqing picked up some pickled cucumber with her chopsticks. “Your competition class is probably arranging exams this semester right?”
“Around December I think.”
Fang Ruqing gave a laugh and also set her chopsticks down. “Confident you can get the guaranteed admission spot?”
Ruan Mian pressed her lips, pondering for a few seconds. “Not too sure, but I’ll do my best.”
“Mm, as long as you try your hardest with no regrets, that’s good enough.”
Fang Ruqing stood up to clear the bowls and chopsticks, speaking while walking to the kitchen. “Your dad and I never expected you to be exceptionally accomplished. You’re already so outstanding now, it’s actually beyond our expectations.”
As a child, Ruan Mian’s development had lagged far behind her peers. At one point, Fang Ruqing and Ruan Mingke even thought she might be a bit slower mentally compared to others. But after starting school, it was as if a switch had been flipped in Ruan Mian. All along she had kept the reputation of a good student and tested into No.6 Middle School.
Even after transferring to No.8 Middle School, she didn’t fall behind at all.
Ruan Mian carried the unfinished pickled cucumber dish and followed Fang Ruqing into the kitchen. She covered the leftovers with plastic wrap and put it in the fridge, then leaned against the door watching Fang Ruqing clean up.
“When I had you transfer schools initially, I was very worried that you wouldn’t be able to keep up with No. 8 Middle School’s pace, and worried that you wouldn’t adapt well in all aspects with the new environment.”
The sound of running water from the tap drowned out Fang Ruqing’s voice somewhat. “But I didn’t expect that after you came to No. 8, your grades would be even better than at No. 6. Whenever I think about it, I feel so proud as a mother.”
Ruan Mian smiled and scratched her cheek. “It’s probably because No. 8 teachers have different teaching methods compared to No. 6, which suit me better.”
“That’s one aspect. Your hard work is another aspect.”
There weren’t many breakfast bowls and chopsticks, so Fang Ruqing finished cleaning up quickly. She dried her hands and put an arm around Ruan Mian, walking outside with her. “Shutang only has half a day of tutoring today. Let’s go find her and eat lunch together, then the three of us can go shopping this afternoon. What do you think?”
This arrangement and combination was clearly not in Ruan Mian’s plans, but she didn’t want to reject Fang Ruqing’s good intentions either, so she could only agree. “Alright, whatever you say.”
The little time left in the morning slipped by swiftly. At noon, Ruan Mian accompanied Fang Ruqing to pick up Zhao Shutang and they ate lunch together, then went to a nearby mall to walk around the entire afternoon.
Not long after Ruan Mian and Zhao Shutang reconciled, Zhao Shutang returned to school and naturally, Ruan Mian’s tutoring her stopped as well.
Perhaps feeling awkward, the two were still like before, not interacting much and having little connection.
Walking around shopping together so suddenly today, Ruan Mian felt strange about it all. Too much or too little conversation were both awkward, so she ended up not speaking at all.
Halfway, they passed a restroom and Fang Ruqing went in to use the toilet. The two girls stood outside holding their things, keeping a distance that could fit three people between them.
Noticing her silence, Zhao Shutang couldn’t help glancing over at her a few times. The last time their eyes happened to meet.
They were both startled. Ruan Mian looked away first, then a few seconds later, turned her head back. “Um, when does your tutoring end?”
Zhao Shutang pursed her lips. “Before school starts.”
Ruan Mian uttered an “Oh”, then went silent again.
Zhao Shutang looked at the gap between them and casually took two steps closer to Ruan Mian. Gently, she asked, “How long will your competition class go for?”
“Probably until the competition.”
Ruan Mian lowered her head to look at the tiny figures below. “If you have any questions you’re unsure of, you can ask me.”
“…Mm, okay.”
Ruan Mian turned to look at her. “Zhao Shutang, can I ask you a question?”
“What is it?”
“Last time you said, my mom married Uncle Zhao because she was after your family’s property, so…is your home being demolished then?”
The abrupt yet somewhat amusing question made Zhao Shutang unable to hold back her laughter. But she quickly stifled it, seemingly embarrassed as she scratched her neck twice. “Not really. I just happened to overhear neighbors chatting about it.”
In fact, Zhao Shutang had heard it from Duan Ying. At the time when Zhao Yingwei came back saying he was going to register his marriage with Fang Ruqing, Duan Ying had been complaining to her about it the whole time.
Their family of four had been living well in this alley. Now suddenly a woman with a daughter about her age wanted to move in. Of course Zhao Shutang couldn’t accept it. Add in Duan Ying’s prejudiced thoughts, she naturally got led astray.
“After my mom passed away, Dad never had another woman by his side. I thought he would stay unmarried for the rest of his life. So when he said he was going to marry Auntie Fang, I felt like he had betrayed my mom, and betrayed our family. So…”
Zhao Shutang didn’t continue the rest. Ruan Mian understood and nodded. “When my dad and mom divorced, I had the same thoughts.”
In a way, their situation was similar. Chatting about this topic, they said a few more sentences before Fang Ruqing came out of the bathroom. The three headed home.
After dinner, Ruan Mian went to Li Zhi’s place. Chen Yi would stay at his shop until very late every Saturday. She went to return the clothes.
Chen Yi took the washed clothes and said thanks.
It took Ruan Mian a couple seconds to react that he was thanking her for washing the clothes. She smiled very faintly. “I should be the one thanking you. Thank you again for yesterday.”
Scratching the corner of his right eye, he casually said, “No problem.”
Ruan Mian pursed her lips, swaying her head twice. Just making conversation, she asked, “Li Zhi’s not here?”
“He’s showering in the back.”
Chen Yi looked at her. “Did you need him for something?”
“Nothing. Just asking.”
Ruan Mian said, “I’ll head back first then.”
“Mm.”
Leaving the shop, as Ruan Mian walked down the stairs, she couldn’t resist turning back to glance inside.
The boy was lowering his head, standing by the counter counting coins.
The bright lighting in the shop dazzled her eyes for a moment. It took her awhile before she drew her gaze back, inexplicably sighing.
Back home, Ruan Mian was reading in her room when Zhao Shutang came knocking with her workbook. “Ruan Mian, I have some questions I want to ask you about.”
Ruan Mian went and opened the door. “Come in.”
Zhao Shutang’s class ranking was always near the bottom every monthly exam, mainly because of her poor composite science scores. Her main subjects didn’t have issues.
After Ruan Mian explained the questions to her, she gave Ruan Mian a notebook. “This is the Chinese study materials I compiled before. See if it’s useful for you.”
With that said, she got up and walked out.
Ruan Mian called out to stop her by the door, “Zhao Shutang.”
The girl halted and turned back. “What is it?”
Ruan Mian waved the notebook in her hand, smiling as she said, “Thank you.”
Zhao Shutang also smiled. “You’re welcome.”
After that day, Ruan Mian and Zhao Shutang interacted more. Although most of the time it was about schoolwork, the subtle awkwardness between them had disappeared unknowingly.
The new term arrived swiftly. After school started, there were many more unfamiliar faces on campus. The military training performance and opening ceremony for the new students were held together this year.
Last year’s opening ceremony, Ruan Mian stood in the crowd below, an ordinary student who couldn’t be spotted with one glance. This year, as one of the outstanding senior science class representatives giving a speech on stage, in many people’s eyes, she was an unattainable top student, a study master.
The blazing heat of summer continued into September. The gentle yet firm voice of the girl echoed through the loudspeakers around the stadium and across the vast sky.
“…This concludes my speech. Thank you everyone.”
Ruan Mian dipped her head slightly and took a small step back. Thunderous applause immediately erupted from below.
The next speech was a humanities student. As Ruan Mian came down, Zhou Hai was chatting with Chen Yi, who was after the next speaker. Seeing Ruan Mian, he called her over too.
Zhou Hai said, “The school is planning to publish your batch’s speeches in the next school journal. Remember to send an electronic version of yours to Principal Wu later.”
Ruan Mian nodded. “Okay, I know.”
Zhou Hai held his newly bought cup and smiled. “I just heard from Chen Yi that you were top of your class again in the last quiz. Keep up the good work and try to get me a guaranteed admission1 at the end of the year.”
Ruan Mian dipped her head and brushed the stray hair at her ears back behind them.
Zhou Hai looked to Chen Yi again. “As for you, don’t think that since you’re applying abroad, you can disregard the guaranteed admission spots. If you don’t get a first-place prize, don’t come back to see me.”
Chen Yi smiled lazily, tone nonchalant. “Can’t say for sure if I’ll get a first-place prize, but I’m going for sure, and won’t be coming back empty-handed.”
“You brat.”
Zhou Hai slapped his shoulder, lamenting, “No wonder Teacher Wang likes you. Just your unreasonable arrogance.”
He shook his head with a click of his tongue. “Can’t find a second person like this in all of No. 8 Middle School.”
Chen Yi smiled crookedly, using his thumb knuckle to rub his forehead.
After a while, Principal Wu called Chen Yi to prepare for his speech. Zhou Hai patted his shoulder twice more. “Go on.”
“I’ll head over then.”
After finishing with Zhou Hai, Chen Yi also looked to Ruan Mian standing aside. He wanted to greet her, but the girl seemed to be spacing out and didn’t notice him.
He didn’t pay it any mind either, withdrawing his gaze and heading up the nearby stairs.
Zhou Hai sighed sentimentally several times in a row, then looked back at Ruan Mian’s absentminded appearance and called her name. “Ruan Mian?”
Ruan Mian snapped back to reality from her daze.
Zhou Hai laughed. “What’s wrong? Able to space out even while standing. Is the pressure too much lately?”
Ruan Mian shook her head. “No.”
“Don’t take my words to heart. Whether you get an award or not doesn’t matter. Trying your best is enough.”
Worried that his words really put pressure on her, Zhou Hai consoled, “With your current grades, getting into a top university in the capital won’t be difficult anyway.”
“I know. Thank you, Teacher Zhou.”
Ruan Mian took a small, deep breath, but was unable to suppress the urge in her heart. She asked, “Teacher Zhou, is Chen Yi preparing to go abroad?”
“Yes, he plans to attend UC Berkeley in California for physics. I think he started preparing last year.”
Zhou Hai looked at her. “What is it, you have ideas too?”
Ruan Mian blinked. “No, I was just curious.”
Zhou Hai smiled. “To be honest, as a teacher I definitely hope you aim higher and higher, but as an elder, a girl studying abroad alone is quite tough. Personally, I don’t recommend you follow Chen Yi’s path.”
Ruan Mian didn’t respond, only nodding.
Some teachers nearby called Zhou Hai over. Holding his cup, he stroked the sides a couple times and said to Ruan Mian, “Go on with what you need to do. Remember to send your speech to Principal Wu.”
“Alright, I know.”
Ruan Mian circled around the crowds and strode away quickly from the stadium. Reaching an isolated area, she suddenly bent over, gasping deeply.
Clearly in open air, yet she was like a drowning fish.
- Chungking Express (????) – 1994 Hong Kong romantic drama film written and directed by Wong Kar-wai ↩︎
- Mid Autumn Festival (???) – a traditional Chinese celebration held on the 15th day of the eighth lunar month. A very important one culturally, where families gather under the full moon and eat mooncakes. ↩︎
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