The day the results came out was February 4th, Beginning of Spring.
In the morning, Ruan Mian ran into Mr. Yan, the math teacher, at the stair entrance at school. The two chatted for a bit, and Mr. Yan asked her, “The results should be out today, right? Are you confident?”
She touched her ear and said she didn’t know if she was confident or not, not daring to sound too full of herself, “I’ll just wait and see the results.”
Mr. Yan smiled, “Have some confidence in yourself, you’re already excellent.”
Ruan Mian nodded, “Thank you Mr. Yan.”
Later when she went upstairs to the second floor, Mr. Yan went back to the office. Ruan Mian took a deep breath and slowly walked up the stairs. Many students in the class had participated in the competition and were all chatting about it noisily.
Meng Xinglan ran over and chattered, “I can’t take it anymore, I’m so nervous, how are you not nervous at all?”
Ruan Mian was almost led astray by her, put down her schoolbag, got up and walked to the back of the classroom, “It’s no use being nervous anyway, whether it’s good or bad is already decided, being more nervous now won’t help.”
“You’re right.”
Meng Xinglan saw her taking a broom out and asked, “Where are you going?”
“On duty.”
Last Wednesday, Ruan Mian was late and was caught by Mr. Wu and punished to clean for a week. Today was the last day.
The area she had to clean for the punishment was a long shaded path in front of the Ideology and Politics building. Ruan Mian and a girl from Class 16 were responsible for a small section.
That section of the road was so long that after sweeping it all, half of self-study time had passed. As a group walked back, Ruan Mian was with some classmates from the same floor.
One boy asked, “Hey, Ruan Mian, you guys are getting your results today, right?”
Ruan Mian hmm-ed, and said, “Probably not until noon.”
“With your grades now, your spot is pretty much set for recommended admission, right?”
The boy said, “Our class advisor always cites you as a typical example when talking about exams and stuff.”
“Yeah yeah, our class too. But you’re just so amazing, a girl who’s so good at science, I really admire you a lot.”
Ruan Mian smiled with her head down.
At that time, everyone thought Ruan Mian was smart and excellent, standing at a height that others could only look up to but not reach. But because she had fallen for a boy, she had lost the confidence she should have had.
Back in the classroom, Zhao Qi was talking with the Chinese teacher from Class 2 next door in the hallway. Ruan Mian greeted the teacher and walked into the classroom with the broom from the back door.
After two morning classes, Ruan Mian was dragged by the still extremely nervous Meng Xinglan to the school store, “I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to die if the results don’t come out soon.”
Ruan Mian sighed, “It should be soon.”
As the two came out of the school store, just as they walked under the teaching building, a classmate shouted out the fourth floor window down below, “Ruan Mian! Mr. Zhou wants you to go to his office, the competition results are out!”
It was also at that moment that Ruan Mian suddenly felt nervous. Her hand looped around Meng Xinglan’s arm subconsciously clenched her clothes.
Meng Xinglan asked, “Do you want…me to go with you?”
“It’s fine.”
Ruan Mian took a deep breath, “I’ll go myself.”
“Okay then, I’ll be waiting for your good news.”
After speaking, Meng Xinglan patted her on the shoulder and went upstairs first via the side stairwell.
Ruan Mian went around to the stairs in the lobby. By the time she got to Mr. Zhou’s office, there were already quite a few people standing in the room.
The results were displayed on the competition’s official website homepage in the form of an overall ranking list.
Probably because so many people were checking the results at that time, Zhou Hai had refreshed the page dozens of times, but the little loading circle was still spinning.
Ruan Mian stood by the door. Looking up, sunlight filled the entire corridor.
“It’s out!”
A student exclaimed, and the people scattered around crowded over. Only Chen Yi was leaning against the window sill, his expression no different from usual.
There were more exclamations from the crowd: “Chen Yi! First prize! Damn! Awesome!”
“Yu Tian also got first prize! Holy shit!”
At this time, no one cared about cursing or not cursing. As Zhou Hai’s mouse scrolled down, more and more exclamations and congratulations could be heard.
At this point, some people noticed Ruan Mian standing by the door, and also noticed that her name had not appeared on the ranking list.
Everyone’s gazes gradually turned from excitement to disbelief, but very soon everyone pretended as if nothing had happened and retracted their eyes.
Ruan Mian let go of her tightly clenched hands. In her heart, the dust had already settled. She couldn’t say whether she felt more relieved or more disappointed.
The rankings only announced up to third prize. Ruan Mian had gotten second prize, missing recommended admission by a hair, becoming the biggest surprise of the competition.
The results were soon posted on the bulletin board at the school gate. No. 8 High School had an abundant harvest in this competition, with a total of eight first prizes in various subject competitions. The remaining second and third prizes were also high ranking in the city.
Ruan Mian’s failure was both within and beyond the teachers’ expectations.
Afterward, Zhou Hai specifically called her over to comfort her, “The physics competition questions this year were much more difficult than previous years. Getting second prize is already very good. Although you didn’t get recommended admission, you can still apply for score reductions at many universities later on.”
Ruan Mian nodded, “I see.”
“It’s okay, don’t get discouraged in any case, there’s still the college entrance exam.”
Zhou Hai said, “There are many paths in life. If you can’t walk down this one, then we’ll switch to another one. There is always a path that can be walked to the end.”
Ruan Mian said okay.
Later during that period of time, Ruan Mian always slept poorly. The atmosphere at home was also gloomy. Duan Ying and Fang Ruqing’s contradictions kept escalating, and Zhao Yingwei’s business encountered failure after failure, resulting in arguments with Fang Ruqing that even became unresolvable.
No matter how good a relationship two people had, once they started fighting, they couldn’t stop their mouths. Fang Ruqing even attributed the reason for Ruan Mian’s competition failure to Zhao Yingwei, blaming him for not checking the car beforehand and blaming him for acting on impulse.
That Spring Festival, the family fell apart. Fang Ruqing returned to her maternal home, Ruan Mian accompanied her grandma and stayed at Nanhu Gardens, Duan Ying took the two children back to her hometown, and Zhao Yingwei drifted outside, gone for ten days to half a month at a time.
The winter break in senior year was only a few short days. Zhao Shutang and Ruan Mian both moved back to Pingjiang West Lane the day before the break ended.
After eating dinner together outside at night, on the way back, Ruan Mian ran into Li Zhi whom she hadn’t seen in a long time and stayed at his store for a while, while Zhao Shutang went back home first.
Li Zhi didn’t perform in the college entrance exam last year and went to an ordinary university in Pingcheng to study computer science. He had been busy with classes on campus for the first half of this semester that just ended.
Not long after Ruan Mian sat down at the small round table in the store, Chen Yi suddenly came over too. Seeing her here, his expression froze for a moment, but soon returned to normal.
He had come to bring Li Zhi something. There was still stuff at home so he didn’t stay long in the store and barely said a few words to Ruan Mian.
In fact, the two hadn’t talked much since the end of the competition.
After losing the chance at recommended admission, Ruan Mian re-immersed herself in preparing for the college entrance exam after the results came out, making up for the courses she had fallen behind on due to the competition, keeping her extremely busy.
And Chen Yi had given up the recommended admission spot at a domestic university and had been preparing to go abroad all this time.
Rumors of him and Sheng Huan were still circulating at school, but because Chen Yi was considered half stepped into institution of higher learning now, the teachers were still turning a blind eye like before, even Zhou Hai never brought up the matter again.
Without knowing it, the distance between her and Chen Yi had grown further and further apart.
Ruan Mian snapped back to her senses and was shocked to find that Li Zhi had sat down across from her at some point unknown to her.
Li Zhi picked raisins from the fruit tray into his mouth and laughed softly, “What are you thinking about? You seem so absorbed.”
“Nothing.”
She took slow, deep breaths, trying hard to conceal her thoughts, “Wasn’t thinking about anything.”
Li Zhi’s eyes stared at her intently without looking away for a moment, like a sword piercing straight into the heart, “If my dad saw you like this now, he’d definitely think I did something to you.”
Ruan Mian’s heart skipped a beat as she met his gaze, as if suddenly understanding something in a daze, and her eyes immediately turned red.
Li Zhi slid the box of tissues on the table over, “I’ve known about Chen Yi going abroad for a long time already. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to affect your exams.”
“Mm.”
“You went to the competition class for him too, right?”
Ruan Mian rubbed her eyes, “Not entirely, but pretty much.”
Li Zhi sighed, “Actually you didn’t have to. You’re so outstanding, it’s only because you fell for Chen Yi that you would feel inferior.”
“But Chen Yi is just an ordinary person too. It’s only your feelings for him that made him your light.”
Li Zhi said, “Don’t overlook your own excellence because of his light.”
“Everyone has their own path in life. If you keep chasing after him, then how can he ever see you?”
Ruan Mian turned her head away to cover her eyes. She had thought she would cry, but she didn’t. The distress and sourness in her heart were real, but perhaps from habit, she actually didn’t feel like she couldn’t bear it.
That night, some were happy and some were worried, but dawn broke and a new day still came.
With the new term starting, there were only a few short months until gaokao. The third year curriculum grew increasingly intense, with endless tests and a heavy atmosphere suffocating everyone.
Between Physics Class 1 and 2, over thirty students had participated in various academic competitions and independent enrollment programs1 at top universities in the previous term.
Some didn’t get in anywhere while others received guaranteed admission or extra points. Ruan Mian gave up the extra points she had earned to apply for the more competitive Peking Union Medical College clinical medicine program (eight years)2.
In mid-March, No.8 High organized physical exams3 for gaokao. It was a rare relaxing time during third year. After finishing at the hospital, Ruan Mian and Meng Xinglan skipped evening self-study to get a private room at a nearby movie house, watching films all night.
They cried over romance films, felt motivated by films on studying, and pumped up by patriotic ones – a night of laughs and tears.
The next day at school, they were caught by Principal Wu and given a lecture during morning reading, forced to write 500-word self-critiques before being let go.
Walking quite a distance from the office, the two finally couldn’t hold back and burst into laughter leaning on the railing.
The skies were clear then. Tears or laughter, it was all youth.
Amidst such days, gaokao entered double digit countdown. The students with guaranteed admission gradually left school in late April.
Their empty seats in class were quickly filled, and Ruan Mian would unconsciously glance toward a certain front row seat at times.
Chen Yi had received a conditional offer letter from UC Berkeley. The official admission notice would come out end of July.
With no reason to remain at school, his former seat became a dumping ground for test papers and study materials.
But Ruan Mian still often saw him on the basketball court – sometimes alone, sometimes with many people, but most often just the two of them.
Later on, she avoided walking past the basketball court and never saw Chen Yi again until the school organized graduation photos before gaokao.
Teacher Zhou called back all the students who had left.
The entire third year class was chaos that day, like caged beasts finally set free, unable to contain their excitement.
Physics Class 1 went first for photos.
Teacher Zhou wore a stylish gray shirt and slacks, hair gelled and shiny under the sun. He set down the teacup he’d held for two years and led them to the library entrance.
That’s how school days always were – nothing special until looking back at graduation photos, only then feeling the reluctance to part.
Under the blue sky and white clouds, a group of 16, 17-year-olds smiled naively. For many, it was a youth that could never be reclaimed.
After the class photo, the rest were all splinter group shots. Meng Xinglan messaged Liang Yiran to come over from his class.
Shen Yu also ran out from theirs.
The six of them took a group photo in the third year hallway. Ruan Mian later kept that photo in her wallet, only to lose both wallet and photo one day.
By then, it had been five years since she last saw Chen Yi. She had lost one of the few remaining traces of him in an unfamiliar city.
School didn’t let out until a week before gaokao.
The mood on the last day of class was especially melancholy. Ruan Mian received many autograph books4 from classmates.
Familiar or not, everyone wanted a few words of blessing from her.
Some students vented outside, shouting and yelling as if to release all the stress of the past year. Some tore up scrap paper and test sheets, tossing them down from upstairs. Soon after, someone cried out in alarm – they had thrown their exam permit5 too.
Ruan Mian sat in class writing in her classmates’ books, hearing the commotion. She smiled to herself, brush continuing to write blessings.
“Wishing you the best on gaokao, may you succeed and rank among the top.”
Ruan Mian
2010530
During that week off before the exam, Ruan Mian stayed home studying and occasionally helped Zhao Shutang with some problems. At night she went out alone.
The summer night breeze was cool and refreshing. Her playlist shuffled through one song after another.
The two days before gaokao fell on a weekend. Li Zhi came back from school and joined Ruan Mian’s solo night wanderings. The two walked from east to west, then bought ice pops by the road and took the bus home.
It was very late and the bus was empty. They sat in the back row. The wind blew in through the open windows. Ruan Mian sucked on the ice shards, humming disjointedly.
Li Zhi laughed. “You don’t seem nervous at all, huh?”
“It’s alright. Being nervous doesn’t help.”
Ruan Mian finished her ice pop and looked out the window.
“Decided where you wanna go yet?”
Ruan Mian gave an affirmative “Mm,” then named a familiar school.
Li Zhi remarked, “Med school, huh.”
“I don’t have huge ambitions or anything.”
Ruan Mian smiled. “Just hoping I can become someone useful to society in the future.”
“Sounds good, Dr. Ruan is always right.”
The two gaokao days were overcast in Pingcheng, the air somewhat stuffy. Ruan Mian was assigned to her former middle school No.6 for the exam and stayed at Nánhú Family Gardens for two nights.
Zhao Shutang was assigned further away to No.5 Middle School. Her father Zhao Yingwei was busy with work and couldn’t make it back, so Fang Ruqing had to handle the transportation.
After finishing the Chinese and Math exams that first day, Ruan Mian received a call from Ruan Mingke. They only spoke briefly before he had to leave for a meeting again.
Putting her phone down, she went outside for some water then stood on the balcony to feel the night breeze. It was very dark that night, no moon or even many stars.
The next day, the final English exam finished without the forecasted thunderstorms. Instead, the overcast cleared and sunshine broke through the clouds when Ruan Mian left the exam venue.
All around were excited cheers.
Ruan Mian actually felt normal. She walked home, showered, then went to bed until 6:30 PM. After washing up, she headed out.
Zhou Xiurong could get out of bed and walk around now. She was in the kitchen learning to cook soup from Aunt Wu. Seeing Ruan Mian, she asked, “Going out again tonight?”
“Class reunion dinner, probably won’t be back until very late. Don’t wait up for me, I brought my key.”
Ruan Mian changed her shoes at the door. “If it gets too late I’ll just stay over at my mom’s.”
“Alright, be safe.”
Zhou Xiurong rubbed her waist. “Remember to bring an umbrella.”
Ruan Mian shut the door in response. The old lady shook her head with a smile and returned to the kitchen.
With half the teachers overlapping between Class 1 and 2, it was awkward for them to pick a side. In the end, they combined the reunion dinner into one booking, getting two large private rooms at a hotel near school that could be merged.
People trickled into the reunion dinner. When Chen Yi entered halfway through supporting an already tipsy Teacher Zhou, Ruan Mian had just gotten there.
Teacher Zhou had taught many excellent students that year – a couple with guaranteed admission, several accepted through independent enrollment, and the rest like Ruan Mian were potential candidates for the provincial champion title6.
He pulled Chen Yi along to call Ruan Mian, Meng Xinglan and a few others over, speaking meaningfully for a long time with exhortations and expectations.
The alcohol made him sentimental. As he spoke, his eyes grew red.
Ruan Mian turned to look out the window. It was then she realized they really were graduating, and many here she might never see again.
Thinking this, she couldn’t help but look at the boy beside Teacher Zhou. Knowing that after today, the distance between them could no longer be measured by numbers, she secretly teared up.
By the end of the reunion dinner, everyone was a sobbing mess. Some boys escorted the teachers back before returning. Hearing the cries from the room, they lingered in the hallway and didn’t go in.
The group stood chatting at the far end for a long time.
People gradually began leaving. Chen Yi was about to go in and get his coat when Jiang Rang suddenly called out, “Chen Yi-“
The boy halted and looked back. “What’s up?”
Jiang Rang had drank quite a bit, eyes reddened by alcohol. He pondered for a long time before deciding not to say it. “Never mind, it’s nothing.”
Chen Yi laughed lightly. “You’re drunk.”
Jiang Rang rubbed his face and smiled too. “Yeah, pretend I’m drunk.”
- Independent enrollment (????) – some top Chinese universities recruit talented students separately from the main gaokao process ↩︎
- Peking Union Medical College (???????) – one of China’s most prestigious medical schools, founded in 1919. Its clinical medicine program takes 8 years, and is a joint MA program with Tsinghua University. ↩︎
- Physical exam (??) – students undergo a health exam before gaokao, required for admission ↩︎
- Autograph book (???) – schoolmates exchange messages and well wishes as keepsakes ↩︎
- Exam permit (???) – issued by testing authority as proof of registration, required for entry on exam day ↩︎
- Provincial champion (???) – top scorer in a given province ↩︎
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