ATLAS TRANSLATES

Fu Xueli visits this cemetery every year at this time. She holds paper money and fresh flowers bought along the way, slowly climbing the steps.

On the tombstone is an old black and white photo of a handsome man and a gentle woman, both smiling. They are young in the picture.

— Fu Xueli’s biological parents

She stares blankly at the photo, blinking reflexively, not knowing what to say. After placing down the white chrysanthemums, she crouches weakly to the side, lost in thought for a long time. After a while, she remembers to burn the paper money.

“Dad…” After a slight pause, she struggles to call out, “Mom.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, her nose feels painfully congested, and hot tears finally fall from her eyes. She hurriedly tries to wipe them away, laughing bitterly, “Actually, I know… I may have done something wrong, but today I finally dare to admit it. Am I very cowardly?”

“There’s a fool who loves me very much, loves me so so much.” Fu Xueli rests her chin on her knees, curling up into a ball. She lights the fire and chokes out, “I always thought he told me everything.”

Fu Xueli feels her lips trembling. As she speaks, she starts laughing at herself, but the tears just won’t stop flowing.

She knows that Xu Xingchun wouldn’t tell her anything, so she pretends not to know anything.

But Ma Xuanrui’s words hit her heart like heavy hammers, one after another.

They shatter the layer of self-deception Fu Xueli has been using to comfort herself all this time. It feels like all her blood vessels and nerves have been cut off, and all her internal organs have frozen.

Fu Xueli finds it hard to breathe. She pauses for a moment before continuing, “You gave birth to me, but maybe that was a mistake. These past few years, I feel like I’ve been living as a joke. I’ve blamed many people – my uncle, you, and even him. I blamed him for why he would abandon me and disappear when I couldn’t give him lasting love.”

“I’m so afraid of loneliness. I didn’t want to let him go, but he hasn’t come back for so many years.” Fu Xueli tastes salty tears in her mouth. “I’ve thought about going to find him, but day after day I’m afraid I’ll make the same silly mistakes you did.”

“I just thought he deserved a better girl.” She buries her head deeply. “But I know I’m afraid to admit it. These are all noble-sounding excuses to let me live with a clear conscience.”

Yes.

Only now does Fu Xueli dare to admit – Xu Xingchun, after all these years, has never, not for a second, given up on liking her.

Fu Xueli has always been able to see clearly who is compatible with whom, and who isn’t suitable for each other.

She knows that people from two different worlds shouldn’t be together.

This is a principle she has always understood.

But she still let Xu Xingchun down for so many years.

Made him suffer alone for so long.

As dusk falls, Fu Xueli sits alone quietly, watching the paper burn completely. It’s as if once this fire burns out, the past can be wiped clean, free from worries.

“Xu Xingchun, I’ve made up my mind.”

The moment Fu Xueli finishes speaking, there’s silence on the other end of the phone.

Her voice is completely hoarse from crying too long. She pauses before continuing, “If you want to hear it, I’m in the neighboring city. I can come find you right now.”

“…Where are you?” Xu Xingchun asks.

Fu Xueli insists, “I’ll come find you.”

After a long while, he breaks the silence and names a place.

— The place where they broke up.

It seems like many years have passed, yet it also feels like only a few days. Nothing has changed at this university, from the trees to the buildings. After 7 PM, the campus lights turn on. Many students pass by in groups, mixed with teachers, hard to distinguish. Below the girls’ dormitory, couples embrace tightly, reluctant to part.

This is the university Fu Xueli attended.

The street lamps are dim, the faint light blurring his face. Xu Xingchun sits there motionless. He’s still wearing the police uniform from yesterday, which has gotten a bit dirty. He’s doing what he’s done for so many years, day and night.

Waiting for her.

The moment Fu Xueli sits down beside Xu Xingchun, she trembles imperceptibly.

There’s a sticky dampness in the air, making it hard to breathe normally.

The two sit in silence for who knows how long – three minutes, five minutes, or even longer. She finally speaks, her words slow, “Xu Xingchun, I want to tell you something.”

“…Mm.”

Fu Xueli takes out her phone and sets an alarm.

Just five minutes.

She knows he’s watching her, then says, “You should know what this means. I can finish speaking within five minutes.”

Her heart feels constricted.

Fu Xueli says the sentence she’s rehearsed hundreds of times in her mind, “Today is the death anniversary of my biological parents.”

Just like many years ago, it was an ordinary death anniversary.

After visiting the grave, they set up photos at home. Fu Yuandong, Fu Chenglin, and Fu Xueli had a meal together.

This was an annual ritual. After eating, Fu Xueli had plans with friends and left after saying goodbye. Having grown up with Fu Yuandong since childhood, she didn’t have very strong feelings for her biological parents.

It was snowing on the day of the anniversary. She tried to hail a taxi by the roadside but couldn’t get one. Tired of waiting, Fu Xueli decided to go back home to get her car keys and drive herself.

When she opened the door, the living room was extremely empty. Auntie Qi was nowhere to be seen. There was no one, just an extra pair of shoes.

Fu Xueli found it strange.

She wanted to call out but instead walked upstairs.

The study door was ajar. She saw Fu Yuandong pouring drinks and shaking his head with a sigh. Fu Xueli heard her mother’s name.

She paused as she was about to push the door open, standing still without making a sound.

The family dog lazily lay nearby, wagging its tail as it watched its owner’s strange behavior.

Fu Yuandong’s friend beside him tried to comfort him, “It’s been so many years. You’ve raised Ajuan and Akun’s daughter to be this big. They won’t blame you.”

Fu Yuandong heaved a heavy sigh, “If it wasn’t for me, urging Kun to go home and resolve things, he wouldn’t have lost his life, and Ajuan…”

His friend hurriedly said, “They were going to split up anyway. Ajuan had long lost feelings for Akun. Back then, we were all young. No one knew this kind of thing would happen.”

Fu Yuandong: “They wouldn’t have died in that place. I was young and reckless then, only thinking about business and being with the person I loved. Kun saw me and Ajuan together. I wronged him. Thinking about it now, we had supported each other in the early years…”

— Hearing these words, Fu Xueli felt like she was going mad.

Unable to process this information, she immediately felt suffocated. She stepped back, feeling like her entire worldview was about to be overturned.

Countless past confusions came rushing back.

Why hadn’t Fu Yuandong married all these years?

Why could she occasionally sense Fu Yuandong looking at her with an excessively sad expression?

Why was Fu Yuandong even better to her than to Fu Chenglin?

Why did her cousin and uncle never speak of that aunt?

Why did Fu Yuandong always say he owed her?

Oh…

So that’s how it was…

Fu Yuandong and Fu Yuankun were preparing to do a project, but they ran short of funds when disbanding. At the time, they were negotiating contracts and had to entertain clients every day. During that period, the two of them were also fighting fiercely over Fu Xueli’s mother.

One rainy night, Fu Yuankun kept refusing to meet Fu Yuandong. Fu Yuandong went to their house, and the two had another big fight. In the end, Fu Yuankun stormed out, slamming the door. Ajuan quickly followed after him.

The road was too slippery that deep night. A drunk driver hit and killed both of them.

Fu Xueli didn’t rush in hysterically to question Fu Yuandong. She just numbly walked downstairs and wandered in the snow for a very long time. Until she had no strength left and collapsed by the roadside, only then did she feel tears welling up.

Yes, she didn’t have the courage to confront Fu Yuandong because she knew she could never hate the person who raised her.

But what is love?

Why do people use love as an excuse to become so dirty?

Is love more important, or is responsibility more important?

Those days, she didn’t want to return to that home at all. She stayed at school but went to bars to get drunk every night.

When she returned late at night, Xu Xingchun waited for her below the dormitory every day.

Day after day.

Fu Xueli couldn’t get over that hurdle in her heart. She could only vent all her negative energy on Xu Xingchun. She started to avoid and even fear this too-solid feeling.

Smoking, drinking, clubbing, fighting – she could do all these things.

But truly loving someone with all her heart, she might really find it hard to persist.

There are no exceptions, right?

In the end, all love becomes disgustingly unbearable.

“Xu Xingchun, can you not come find me anymore?” Fu Xueli stumbled, falling every few steps, but wouldn’t let Xu Xingchun come near. Until finally, she sat down on a chair, tears unknowingly streaming down her face.

She was drunk, her heart feeling like it was being twisted to pieces, but she cried out, “Xu Xingchun, I’ve wanted to break up with you for a long time. I wanted to break up with you in high school. Can you stop clinging to me? Can you not like me anymore… I really feel so tired. You all talk about love, but what is love? Can love make you all so selfish?!”

“I’m begging you, let go of me and yourself.” There was real pain in Fu Xueli’s eyes.

Xu Xingchun sat on the chair, accompanying Fu Xueli as she cried for half the night. He vaguely heard her sob that she wanted to go back to the past.

Looking at the deep night sky, Xu Xingchun asked in a very soft voice, “Fu Xueli, do I really make you so miserable?”

But when she was 14, Fu Xueli had a fight with her uncle and angrily ran out to find him.

It was a cold night like this one. In that park bench, Xu Xingchun wore only thin pajamas.

She cried until she couldn’t control herself. He put his coat over her, enduring the cold wind for a long time. She asked between sobs, “How long will you stay with me?”

Xu Xingchun said, “A lifetime.”

After a long time, Fu Xueli asked, “Are you cold?”

He answered, “Cold.”

She said, “I’m cold too.”

“The coat is on you.”

“Xu Xingchun, I think I feel a bit happier now.”

“Mm.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“Seeing you cry makes me unhappy.”

“I’m happy now.”

Xu Xingchun raised his hand to touch her face, “Good.”

Fu Xueli hugged him. “Xu Xingchun, which is more important, my happiness or yours?”

“Your happiness.”

She finally smiled through her tears.

The sky between the building clusters looked like a deep blue curtain. Xu Xingchun’s silhouette was blurry and delicate in the scattered lights of the night.

At that time, he had promised to stay with her for a lifetime.

But now Fu Xueli was crying even harder than before. Her eyes held despair and sadness that he couldn’t understand.

-Whose happiness is more important, mine or yours? -You. -Of course it’s you.

Fu Xueli woke up in complete darkness. Her head throbbed with pain, foggy from a hangover. She lay on a soft bed, unsure of where she was.

“What time is it?” she asked hoarsely.

“Not quite five.” Xu Xingchun sat in the space between the foot of the bed and the door, his head lowered. “You’re awake.”

She made a sound of acknowledgment.

Just then, a phone alarm went off in the room. Fu Xueli sat up, clutching the blanket. “Did you set an alarm?”

“Yes.”

“Turn it off.”

“No need.” Xu Xingchun asked, “Do you remember what you said last night?”

“I remember.”

“Have you made up your mind?”

“……”

“There’s one more alarm. Tell me when you’ve decided.”

After just a moment’s hesitation, when the alarm rang for the second time, her eyes welling up with tears, she forced herself to say through gritted teeth, “Let’s break up.”

After a long while, he said, “Okay.”

She heard the soft sound of the door closing.

Xu Xingchun’s last words were, “I’m leaving.”

Fu Xueli knew she was crying, without making a sound, just tears flowing.

This was their last meeting before reuniting, and the scene she didn’t dare to seriously recall for so many years.

Before coming to find Xu Xingchun, she had washed her face specially.

Now, Fu Xueli had two trails of tears on her cheeks. Without makeup, her skin was almost transparently white. Without her usual glamorous makeup, she looked especially clean and pure.

In just a few words, she could finish talking about the past. With tears welling up in her eyes, Fu Xueli said, “Because of what happened with my parents, I became confused about love. I was completely trapped. Back then, I thought love was meaningless and would only make people hysterical and badly hurt in a relationship.”

“So I was weak. I just wanted to escape, at the cost of hurting you. But I was shameless. I liked lying. I still liked you, so I couldn’t control myself from seeking you out. I just couldn’t give you a permanent promise at the time, and I was afraid to admit my mistakes.”

Xu Xingchun had given her his heart, but she couldn’t see it, pretending he wasn’t in pain.

I’m sorry.

I’m really so sorry.

So now she has to face the consequences.

For ordinary people, love is appreciation and enjoyment. But for Xu Xingchun, Fu Xueli’s love was like food in starvation, absolutely necessary, the last lifeline.

So what kind of feelings did he have when he let her go?

Immersed in such pain, when he could barely hold on, he still didn’t blame her once.

Fu Xueli wanted freedom, so Xu Xingchun gave it to her.

Fu Xueli said she was afraid of being trapped, so Xu Xingchun covered up even the most intense pain, as if nothing had happened. Even if it meant dying, he would let her go.

She finally got what she wished for, but she could never forget him.

It seemed like not much time had passed, yet it felt like a century. Xu Xingchun sat quietly for about a few minutes.

In the distance, there were a few faint, indistinct figures. The light bulb overhead grew dimmer. He tilted his head slightly, raised his hand, and wiped away her falling tears.

The gesture was gentle and delicate, familiar as if he had done it countless times.

Fu Xueli was stunned.

Xu Xingchun found his voice again, very calmly saying, “…I don’t want to hear ‘sorry’ now. I just want to know, have you thought it through? Do you want to be with me?”

Whether it was guilt, love, or just wanting to make amends, he accepted it all.

Before she could react, Xu Xingchun took her phone. He turned off the alarm just before it was about to ring.

She was drawn into his embrace.

Fu Xueli’s voice faltered, struggling to speak, “I don’t know how to love others.”

“I’ll teach you.”

Her voice was thick with emotion, “I’m afraid that in the future…”

Afraid of what?

Afraid that their relationship would repeat the same mistakes?

Or afraid that she would still trample on Xu Xingchun’s sincere feelings?

But Fu Xueli had a faint premonition that this time, if she got together with him, they might never be able to separate again.

Xu Xingchun’s lips gently pressed against her ear, his voice extremely low, passionate yet restrained—

“Fu Xueli, I’m not afraid of anything. What are you afraid of?”