ATLAS TRANSLATES

Fu Xueli raised her head and looked at Xu Xingchun, curling her lips as she leaned in, rubbing her nose against his, responding to him very carefully.

Her thoughts began to wander…

She didn’t know where to start asking. There didn’t seem to be a good beginning…

They stood at the kitchen doorway. The knit sweater didn’t block the wind at all. Fu Xueli felt a chill rising from her feet, making her teeth chatter from the cold. She rubbed her face with her hands to clear her mind a bit.

After swallowing and hesitating several times, she finally chose her words carefully and tried to speak, “Your aunt showed me your childhood photos today.”

“Mm.” Xu Xingchun leaned against the doorframe, looking down at her, appearing to listen attentively. Under the light, his features were sharp and clear.

“I thought you were well-behaved in elementary school, with so many ‘excellent student’ awards that your hands would be full. But your aunt said you never brought a single award home.”

After saying this, she looked up and saw that Xu Xingchun seemed to be smiling.

She felt a bit relieved, her nose and cheeks reddened from the cold, “But your grades were so good in middle school and high school. Who knew you were actually a little troublemaker in elementary school.”

The light above was soft and dim. Xu Xingchun rubbed his nose with the back of his hand, not moving from the door. He coughed lightly, “I wasn’t as mischievous as you.”

Fu Xueli pretended not to hear the teasing in his voice, “Can you tell me about your father?”

“Maybe later.” His smile faded a little.

“Then… your mother, was it… when you graduated from university…”

Xu Xingchun’s throat moved, “Late-stage cancer.”

The small wound on her finger, which hadn’t felt painful before, now started to ache slightly, along with a twinge in her heart.

She pressed her forehead against his shoulder blade, burying her head low. With each breath, she inhaled his familiar scent.

Feeling a bit lost.

After a long silence, Fu Xueli finally asked in a low, tentative voice, “At that time… was it because of me…”

She thought for a moment, swallowed her words, and hesitated several times. She changed the word ‘suicide’ to ‘self-harm’. Then, thinking again, she changed ‘self-harm’ to ‘got hurt’ before finally speaking.

She felt a bit uneasy, “At that time, did you get hurt because of me? Was it serious?”

Xu Xingchun was pressed against the door by her, “Not serious.”

A lie.

Knowing he was lying, she didn’t have the courage to ask further. Fu Xueli admitted she was a coward, despite appearing to have a very strong personality on the surface.

But every time, it was just lips moving, actually lacking the courage to face her own mistakes and the harm she had caused.

Outside the window, the twilight was clear. The yellow dog lazily wandered around the yard, and there was the smell of cooking smoke. They stood facing each other, like protagonists in a movie, spanning decades, coming full circle after many twists and turns.

On the wall, the young parents in the black and white photo frame were still smiling.

Memories were like a breached river, or like an abyss, flowing back to the beginning.

When he was young, in the place where Xu Xingchun lived, there was a woman who sold sweet potatoes. Her husband was violent by nature and an alcoholic. This woman’s mother had died when she was young, and she was then driven out of her home, forced to wander and work as a hostess, finally marrying her current husband.

Later, this woman disappeared.

Because her husband was addicted to drugs and borrowed high-interest loans, they both jumped into the river to commit suicide.

For ordinary people who use drugs, the most common outcome is death. Dying on a bed in a small hotel, with a syringe stuck in their arm. Or dying in a place unknown to anyone in this world.

This was what his father had said.

But at that time, he was five years old and didn’t understand death.

Xu Xingchun’s father was a narcotics police officer. In that circle, there were only three types of people: narcotics police, drug dealers, and addicts.

Narcotics police. They had the patience and precision of snipers and surgeons, weren’t afraid of death, and were always ready to be covered by the flag.

But one wrong step, and they would never see the light of day again, with huge secrets rotting in their hearts.

When he was 8 years old, it was the last time Xu Xingchun saw his father.

Without even having the chance to say goodbye, at the doorstep of their home, his father’s hands were twisted behind his back and handcuffed. His mother ran after him but was pushed to the ground. He looked back at them once, and was quickly pressed down by the head and pushed inside.

The prison door of the police slammed shut with a bang and was locked. Armed police officers got into their vehicles one after another.

From then on, every night, his mother, arm wrapped in black gauze, would cry in the next room.

She was a beautiful woman.

But now she had become neurotic.

She vented her accumulated resentment on Xu Xingchun. Using her hands to pinch his face, mouth, and various parts of his body. Day and night, he suffered terribly from this childhood lack of love. His self-esteem was sensitive, lacking a sense of security.

Gradually, rumors spread among the neighbors. At school, a bench was thrown at him, mocking his mother. With a glass cup at hand, Xu Xingchun picked it up without expression, smashed it, and stabbed it towards someone.

His arms and lower abdomen were all stained with blood.

Then he was expelled.

His mother took him to a nearby city, cutting off contact with everyone.

Smoking and fighting, he knew how to do all of this before entering middle school.

Later, a psychologist at the bureau looked at Xu Xingchun and said that his emotions had not been properly channeled since childhood, negative psychology had been suppressed for a long time, and once released, it couldn’t be controlled.

He was a bit psychologically abnormal.

Yes.

For Xu Xingchun.

The feeling of not being needed by this world, of existence being meaningless, lasted for a long time.

Until middle school.

He met a girl.

A very beautiful girl.

Wearing a soft yellow dress.

Every day she would pass by a small alley.

In that small alley, he was like a dirty insect that couldn’t see the light, with a pathological gaze, hiding in the corner watching her.

Watching her hands climb up the old windowsill, under the sunset light, a kitten following her arm, jumping to the ground.

Watching her break a beloved cup, and cry for a long, long time.

At that time, Xu Xingchun had a thin face, wearing a loose white school uniform, with no presence in the school.

Occasionally, he began to pleasure himself thinking about this girl. Like an unknown impulse, blooming on a sacred and pure cross, withering in an instant.

Later, he changed classes. They became deskmates. She was lazy, often late for class, always bringing him dumplings sold at the school gate, in exchange for help with homework.

They got together. Xu Xingchun was very careful, hiding his extremely sensitive personality well, learning to restrain himself.

In his desolate life, she was the only bit of joy.

He liked her wearing that soft yellow dress, with a pearl shell button on the chest. Watching her put on airs, her face glowing, “What do I have left besides my beauty, you only like my face.”

She was proud and willful, carefree and thoughtless. But this poor soul, his liking for her came without reason, yet he couldn’t suppress it. He could only involuntarily, try every way to get close to her.

Having never experienced intimate relationships between people, Xu Xingchun was at a loss with all of this.

Later on.

He had also thought, it would be fine to be liked carelessly by her, to be her daily amusement. To live a life without tomorrow.

The way to escape temptation is to succumb, to give up dignity and freedom, to maintain this feeling that could be taken away at any time.

His love had already hit rock bottom.

The human heart is terrifying.

What always conquers desire is only a higher level of desire.

“Xu Xingchun, don’t look back once you’ve turned the page.”

“Okay?”

As she spoke, tears fell without her realizing.

Damn.

Fu Xueli quickly grabbed a tissue from the side and covered her nose. Pretending to blow her nose, she pressed her fingers tightly, her voice muffled, not wanting him to see her crying again, “I’ve had it tough too, we’ve both been through hell. If I had known back then how hard it was for you, I wouldn’t have abandoned you.”

The number of times Fu Xueli had cried in front of Xu Xingchun recently almost equaled the total number of times she had given in to others in half her life. It didn’t match her arrogant and domineering style from childhood at all.

She had lost all her image.

He gazed at Fu Xueli’s charming face. His eyes lingered on her face for a long time, using his hand to caress the side of her face, from her eyes to her soft, dry lips.

The pads of his fingers were slightly rough, scraping against her delicate skin.

Fu Xueli’s face was very thin, but it felt plump when pinched. When she got irritated, she was like a small animal with its fur standing on end. When she felt guilty, she would lower her eyes, wearing an expression of admitting her mistakes. Fragile yet stubborn.

“Alright.”

Xu Xingchun’s voice was low and hoarse, with a gentle feeling. There was a slight vibration in the air, beating against the eardrum.

The old man and Xu Yuan had returned, with the rustling sound of opening the door accompanied by dog barks. They were setting up tables and chairs in the main room. Fu Xueli was leaving after dinner tonight.

In the kitchen, Xu Xingchun rolled up his sleeve with one hand, picked up a clean white porcelain bowl from the table surface, and placed it in the sink to wash. Revealing a bit of his forearm, with taut muscles and smooth lines.

It had to be said, his features were exquisite and highly aesthetic. His looks had more style than many young idols in the entertainment circle.

She leaned over, supporting herself with both hands on the stove, tilting her head to look at him, unable to get enough.

Xu Xingchun slightly raised his arm, blocking her reaching hand, “The water’s cold, don’t touch it yet.”

Fu Xueli made a sound of agreement, leaning her head against him, her body soft and without proper posture, “I’m going abroad in a few days. I saw the weather forecast, it’s getting colder here. Remember to wear more clothes. I see your work is so hard, always having to wander around the streets.”

Thinking of something, she suddenly became a bit distressed, and hurriedly advised, “Oh right, Xu Xingchun, when you’re out performing some task, don’t smile at those women.”

His voice was a bit hoarse, he laughed for a while, couldn’t help but cough a bit, “What’s wrong?”

“Yes, yes, yes, that smile. Do you know, smiling like that at women can easily lead to crime.” Fu Xueli said seriously, very earnestly.

What did she take him for?

“I’m a police officer.” Xu Xingchun paused as he was turning off the stove.

It’s precisely because he’s a police officer… that makes him more tempting…

She cried out, silently hugging his waist, her arms tightly wrapped around his back, “I don’t care what you are.”