Xu Xingchun couldn’t help but smile, his tired yet handsome face showing a slight dimple on his cheek.
The smile quickly faded. He carefully traced Fu Xueli’s hair, eyes, nose, lips, and chin, studying her face intently.
He wasn’t sure if this was just a beautiful dream.
Many images flashed through his mind.
Like the dreams about her he’d had over the years, so real yet unreal.
Sometimes, Xu Xingchun waited, hoping his obsession with Fu Xueli would fade.
This obsession often made him lose himself, even embarrassed him.
But for many years, anything related to Fu Xueli still stirred uncontrollable feelings in him, a yearning carved into his bones since youth.
Looking back at his childhood, he sometimes couldn’t tell just how broken his family was. His father died when he was young, and from his mother’s words, he never knew if his father was a police officer or a criminal.
In his memory, that beautiful woman was always in great pain. She had given all her love to one man, so she poured all her remaining pain and despair onto young Xu Xingchun.
Those memories were now blurry, like a nightmare. He only remembered at every meal and every night, she would cover her jade-cold face with her hands, hot tears falling between her fingers. She would whisper in Xu Xingchun’s ear, hurting him while hurting herself.
His mother was assaulted by a middle school teacher at 14, kicked out by her father at 20. Later, she met Xu Xingchun’s father.
That man brought light to her life, but his death left her completely heartbroken.
As a child, Xu Xingchun feared and disliked his mother because he couldn’t feel genuine safety or love.
His childhood was dark and hopeless.
He thought if he could escape, he would run without hesitation.
He tried hard to control himself.
Xu Xingchun knew he wasn’t someone people naturally liked.
He hated being seen as a monster, facing those strange looks, so he made himself normal. Using his good mind, he became the best student in school.
At some point, he could smile at everyone under the bright sun and stay unmoved by their rudeness. He kept gentleness on the surface, hiding his flawed personality, keeping everyone at a distance.
Fu Xueli was the first and only person who made Xu Xingchun feel something like happiness.
During their first class duty together, some troublemaker girls from another class confessed to him, one bringing her brother. He stood there indifferently. Xu Xingchun stood patiently at the podium as their backdrop, his eyes deeply shadowed. But he had mild germaphobia and disliked being touched by others. He felt it was unclean and didn’t want that girl to touch him.
Later, Fu Xueli kicked open the classroom door, holding a broom, with a slightly fierce air, her profile seemingly glowing. She was beautiful enough to make people freeze.
Though somewhat pitiful, Fu Xueli was truly the first person Xu Xingchun remembered standing up for him.
He was naturally awkward, but gradually realized he couldn’t control his growing attention to Fu Xueli.
He finally realized only she could make his heart beat.
He also discovered he had been unknowingly influenced by his mother, only able to love someone in a distorted way.
The first time, she kissed him.
The kiss ended quickly, but instantly took all of Xu Xingchun’s attention. She had an innocent yet alluring beauty, while he was completely bewildered. After a brief struggle, he fell into her carelessly set trap.
Xu Xingchun knew he was hopeless, but what he didn’t know was that to Fu Xueli, the kiss was just a casual joke with others.
For quite a long time, Fu Xueli was too self-centered, showing no consideration for others, lacking empathy, and disregarding others’ dignity.
Xu Xingchun was the first to feel this. Fu Xueli directly avoided and disliked the obsession in his eyes.
Bone-deep loneliness often left Xu Xingchun completely lost. He desperately hoped Fu Xueli would truly fall in love with him. This persistent fantasy tormented him, disrupting all his sense of boundaries.
For a long time in middle school, Xu Xingchun endured mental torture in fear, on the edge of no return. He was too fond of pretending, pretending to be gentle and passionate.
So he feared that one day, these masks would be exposed. His frightening selfish possessiveness, his different nature, would make Fu Xueli look at him with disgust again.
Maybe if she had escaped from him from the start, she could have had the free life she wanted.
But it was too late.
They both knew it was too late.
The early fantasy finally came full circle years later, spoken plainly by her in this deep night.
Fu Xueli still had the same face from his memories, without makeup, like a newborn, still pure and moving. He casually caressed it.
She bit her lip in defeat, genuine guilt in her voice, “Xu Xingchun, I’m sorry for wasting so many years of your life.”
Xu Xingchun silently looked back at her in the night.
What did all those years matter anyway.
Besides Fu Xueli, who else could he love.
How he loved her eyes.
Like cold stars on the horizon, like shattered ice in strong wine.
That year in middle school, she just happened to glance at him once. And he was never able to forget.
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